Need advice

[want2believe]

H did call me this morning. Asked what was going on tonight. I said nothing, assumed he was going to work on son's truck, (so he can get race car back in garage soon). He said, no - it's too cold. Will probably work on the trim tonight, but will need my help. It was nice to hear. H even gave seemed to listen to
my suggestions. It felt good! I'm not as upset now, and I
didn't send him an e-mail I was writing to him. There are still things I'd like answers to, but in a way I don't care anymore. It don't matter. I can't change him, only myself.
I guess I needed to remind myself of that point.

The savings account - I've pretty much given up on us ever having a joint account again. It just bugged me that HE had
asked for it, but then doesn't use it. I
won't mention it again, and any money that might have gone in
there, I'll just tell him we'll split it and put in our own separate accounts instead. I'll still keep the account, but the money I have going in there every month, I'll use first for any house or kid related needs. No sense closing it just because
he won't use it. It'll just become another account I have.

As for his last years birthday gift - a night for just us two at
a really nice, romatic hotel. Well, except for my mom's funeral, we haven't gone anywhere overnight since H came back. I have, but H always comes back home the same day. H has to check on the business you know. H's obviously not ready to to make that type of committment yet, no matter what he says or implies. Actions speak louder than words. I'm not going to beg him to spend time with me or the boys. Either he wants to or he doesn't. It's his choice on how he prioritizes what is important to him. We just have different priorities in this case. I'm thinking about
just giving him the money I would have spent on the hotel, and
telling him to spend it on his race car or whatever he wants. I
figure it's better to remind him that I did try to give him something, and still am, and not just ignore it and not have given him anything. It's just the way I am and how I was raised.
Of course his next birthday is in a few weeks. I have no clue what to give him. I'm not sure if I want to spend much - I know I don't want to give him anymore money for racing - he puts more than enough of his own money away for that moneypit. I'm
tempted to buy him something that might make him have to clean out part of the garage in order to make room for it. Only thing, is I know that alone it won't happen. Oh well - will mull it over some more. I forgot how nice it feels to vent my emotions here. It helps me work things out in my head! I can say things without any repercussions.

[want2believe]

Was just updating my profile, and realized H will be 50 this year. How'd I forget that? Should I give him a big 50th party? Right now though I don't quite feel like giving him a big party though. Will need to think about it like I said before.

[want2believe]

This morning I went to kiss my H good-bye. He was shaving. He responded so much like he had when he wanted to leave, it really threw me. I don't even think he realizes what he does. I tried to explain it, but of course he just doesn't get it. Say's I'm reading things into something that isn't there. H really has absolutely no clue how much he hurt me. It's really hard to believe he went through something like this himself with his first wife.

We had a short discussion on what happened this morning and the fact that we don't spend much time together. Get the same standard reply - we both have a lot to do and I'm reading something here that doesn't exist. I told H I'll always make time for us if at all possible. H on the otherhand - not necessarily, said he had a lot to do. I just gave H a kiss and said "I know".
I sent H a e-mail after I got to work telling him why I felt like we have different priorities. He can't find time to spend with me because there is too much going on, yet I know if he had a race, come hell and high water, he'd figure out a way to make it.

I also reminded him that when we talked about him coming back, I stressed that we absolutely had to make it a priority to spend time together so that we didn't fall back into the same old bad habits, and he ended up leaving again. I've gotten no response from him so far yet. Typical of him. He doesn't like to talk about this stuff. He does think about it though, and I can usually see a change in my 2-4 days later, if I just let it go.

Regardless of if the outcome is good or bad, I feel good about what I did because rather than letting it simmer in me and not saying anything, I'm at least telling him that it bugs me, and that I don't feel like that I'm not as top priority in his life as I make him. I'm not upset (a little
emotional maybe). He is who he is. I just not keeping quite about things that bother me anymore, a promise I made after he left. What he does with this, I have no control over. I hope it doesn't back fire on me, but
if it does, I'll live with the consequences.

Overall, I guess I AM reading more into somethings than I should. It just
that his actions have a way of leaving me feeling like I'm not really the main reason he came back, and he keeps going back to how he acted before he left that made me feel like he didn't want to be with him. I've got to learn to let this go though in some sense, otherwise I know I'll sabatoge our R.
I'm looking for more than I know I'll ever get out of H. I have to learn to truely give that part of the dream up.
Get back to reality and try to concentrate on the positive.