on hold

[stella_k]

hello all.
I have posted in MLC section 2 days ago, then realized I should have come here first.

Here is my story.
I am 45, H44, D17, M/T23.

Now that I heave learned so much about MLC I understand that it didn't start with
the bomb. I have noticed the change in H 2 years prior, he has become ill-tempered, had severe insomnia, drank a lot, was showing signs of depression and was increasingly unhappy with his work and the place where we live
(have been abroad for 13 years now).

MLC chronicle:

September 2007 he receives interesting job offer in our home town and goes away for an interview.

He calls and tells me he wants the job and takes it, will be back for Xmas.
Shortly before Xmas he calls me, drunk, and tells me he is in Hell (no explanation).

He arrives and I see the alien for the first time. His eyes are
beady, he is cold, unloving, makes nasty remarks, doesn't want any sex (which is very unusual).
Then, on Dec 27, the Bomb and ILUBNILWY speech.
We both cry (I perform all the pleading-begging-sobbing Don'ts)
and he says he needs time to sort things out, just wants to be alone. I ask if
there is OW and he says NO. In 23 years he didn't lie to me once,
so I believed him, of course. We decide that he goes and I stay where I am (I work full time teaching) until our D17 graduates.

We also decide not to tell anybody. He goes away and tells me he still loves me and everything will be ok. First 3 weeks he calls often, then it starts again - he is distant, cold, calls less, doesn't say anything about our R.
By then I start reading about MLC and do not initiate any R talk, just try to stay calm and positive.

Then he comes for XMas again. He is not an alien anymore, much nicer to me and D,
but still doesn't want sex. When I confront him, confesses that there is an OW,
and has been there for a year (the phone call from Hell).

I cannot really blame him when he says that I was unhappy all these years and made him unhappy as well. We had issues like any other couple and he was always very loving and supportive (in my MLC thread I've mentioned some of the issues).
I can see that he suffers too (he kept saying: what have I done?!).

This time we decided that he will have time till the end of May, until our D17
graduates. He says he still doesn't know what he wants.

Now that he is gone again (same scenario: calls often, says ILY, calls
less and less, sounds distant) I find it more difficult to remain positive.

Even though I have seen positive changes, I don't beleive that he will be out of
the tunnel any time soon.

I think that giving him a dead line was a mistake, but there is nothing I can do about it now.

I've decided that I'm going home, no matter what. I'm not going to stay here along,
with our D gone to college.

So here I am now - on hold, waiting for May (come what may:))

Thank you for listening and sorry about mistakes (dyslexic).

Stella.

[addie]

Hi Stella,
Thanks for posting on my thread.

I checked out your MLC thread and we have more in common than you realize. I too am involved in the education field. I took a sabbatical this year to move across the country for H's job and am currently not working but am seriously considering returning with my S11 to the life that I left behind as I have no family, friends or H where I am currently living.

This is the second time I have moved for H's work. A couple of other times we have lived apart due to his work - very complex story. Ironically, during the times we were separated due to work, he missed me terribly, called every day and told me he loved me. I'm positive there was no OW during those times.
H is constantly searching but is never happy and blames me. He's never been happy with any of his jobs, has tried many different jobs, initially truly excited with them but quickly realizes he's still not happy. There's a great chance he's MLC as well and/or depressed but refuses to see a doctor.

I too feel like I'm on hold til ??? (I haven't decided when I may be leaving back to my home town). I don't expect much to change with H for a long time.

Do you have friends where you are living? Keep posting - it helps to vent.
BTW not many spelling mistakes in your posts.

[stella_k]

thanks Addie,

I have my methods, of course, and I can cope but I'm so painstakingly slow...
Which is why I never participate in chats - by the time I have my answer, all the people are gone or the topic has changed:)

Yes, for me it is also the second move, and it was my H who initiated it. I can adapt
easily and both times I was content with what we had, but my H always felt like
he had to keep going. I have friends here, but not close friends. We live on campus
where everyone knows everyone else and I feel uncomfortable sharing my problem with any of my colleages/friends.

I am also trying to keep my D17 out of it.
She doesn't have a clue (I hope she doesn't!) and I feel safe knowing that there is
nobody here to tell her. I am really worried about her IB exams and don't want her
to get heartbroken over her dad when she has to concentrate on her studies.

As for myself, sometimes I feel the urge to spill it out, but since I've found the DB, it's getting better. Yes, venting helps. It also helps to be among people who know
better then telling me to get out of the M and forget about my H.

It is as if the sitch doesn't exist for as long as I can keep it for myself...

Even though I'm determined to go home, I'm still taking sabbatical (!), so that I can
have a back up. I am comfortable here and they want to keep me , so I think I can have it easily.

After so many years I'm a little bit afraid of going home and haunted by thousands of "what if"s. My security is gone along with my H.

I think you are right about your H been in MLC. Keep reading the MLC threads,
we have to know more about the aliens:)

Thanks for checking in on me.

[stella_k]

Posted this on MLC and wanted to have it here as well:



ok, something happened today and I'm not sure what to make of it.

My H has called.

after we spoke for awhile about D17 and his work, he brought up the R topic, first time in 2 months.
It was as if he wanted to say something but then decided otherwise. I asked if there is anything I should know about and he said no, nothing new. That he has done far too much talking already (he surely has. The things he said...God, I wish I could forget!). I didn't push and left it at that.

The next thing he said was: you should know that I'm not happy with what I've done. I said, I hope not.

And then, that the most important thing is that I'm all right. I said I sure am.

I asked him several questions, whether he eats properly and how is his insomnia,
and how are the things at work, after which I changed the subject. We were on the phone for a long time and I was the first one to say bye.

Now the positive half of me is hoping that it's the sign of the fog lifting and that he is thinking about dumping the OW and coming back:)

And then, of course, the negative one is sure that he is about to dump me for good and just wants to make sure that I'm not going to kill myself or something of the sort:(

I am sure it's a new stage, but which one?

Would appreciate any thoughts/comments.

[addie]

Stella,

Don't get your hopes up too high. It's certainly a positive sign that he called, asked how you were, stayed on the phone for a while,admitted he's not happy with what he's done but it may only be a baby step. Don't have too many expectations of him right now because it will only be easier to be let down. I've been overanalyzing my H's actions and am usually disappointed afterwards. However, we all need these baby steps to maintain hope that our R can be saved. It takes so much patience.

Hang in there and try to remain positive.

[stella_k]

Oh, I know...

I'm sick and tired of false hopes!

How many times `i went to bed with my H and woke up next to OW's BF...

They don't call it rollercoaster for no reason!

I wonder how one knows when it's over for real?

Thanks, Addie!

[JenInVen]

I posted this on your other thread...

Stella, I believe you need to keep up with the positive thoughts and continue how you're acting. Act as if whatever he says is fine with you...you're great, you understand etc.

Negative thoughts will keep you up at night and give you a lot of stress. Once you let that stress take over you won't be thinking straight and you'll say something you regret.

((((((Positive vibes))))))

[stella_k]

thank you for the positive vibes, Jen
I sure can feel them!

It snows heavily here and it's so beautiful that I find it easy to be positive today.

I also found this link and I think it' so helpful! That's exactly what I needed to start GAL.

SvenTheRed, advice...

Check it out, its great...

[JenInVen]

Yes I was just reading the thread. I think that this site is great and there is so much inspiration!! I'm trying to be positive too.

Snow! I forget how beautiful it is...been in Venezuela for 10 years now so I miss how beautiful it is when those huge flakes fall like powder. Oh and to hold out your tongue and let them fall all wet and cold. Don't miss driving in it though

[stella_k]

I wish I could share some snow, I've got plenty:)

Anyway, here is something I really wanted to share. Found this little poem today and
thought it's lovely.


a Tamil song by Subramanya Bharathi


Oh fool brooding over thy past!
Think not about the past for
What has gone is gone and
never will it return

Think you were born today
Live and enjoy every moment
Your sorrow will vanish and
never will it return