Kiki, you're going to get all kinds of advice on your sitch. Exposing the A is a BIG deal, and it's a highly debated issue.
Ultimatums won't get you very far with your H. If you have limits, or boundaries, to CALMLY discuss with him, then be sure that you explain that to your H. Let him be aware that you are NOT trying to control him. Whatever he feels are rules or ultimatums, explain that they are personal dealbreakers for you. You'd like for him to respect them but understand if he can't. If he doesn't want to recommit to your M, then you won't stop him.
Try your hardest to take a break from this, if you can. It's a lot to deal with, and whatever you do, it's YOUR choice.
Take care.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
I'm curious, where does everything stand now? I know that everyone is different and reacts differently to situations but I wonder if your H ever got angry about you confronting OW. Is this something that will hang over you for the rest of your lives? I am feeling very close to telling my H that he has got to make a decision. I cannot live with the disrespect he has shown me any longer.
Well, a lot happened over time and huge changes occurred very gradually over many months.....
But to answer your question. Yes, when I confronted OW my H's reaction was HUGE. My husband had recently moved out and even though he's a peaceful sort of guy I was fearful of him. I even went so far as to have the locks changed on the house! Although looking back the whole thing is kind of funny.....
The very first time I contacted her was informational. I was very nice and indirectly I was able to obtain information; name, marital status, etc....
The second time I called (later that same day), was to tell her she might want to inform her husband about the relationship with my husband before I did.... (hee hee! Hey, at least I warned her first!!!!), the third was to tell her that my children and I would meet with her at their class (my husband and her were in the same management class) and that we were going to tell her exactly what we thought about her and her relationship with my husband...
Anyhow, within an hour my husband cut off my home phone/internet service (without telling me!), and that's when I lost it. I called him screaming and told him that he just made the biggest mistake of his life by cutting off my phone service. Then I immediately took out my cell phone and called as many numbers as possible at her workplace and informed everyone that she was having an affair.
This is my own story. I would never recommend anyone do what I did... especially since everything kind of spiraled out of control. With my sitch you have to keep in mind. My H had already filed for D so I felt I didn't have anything to lose. I don't regret any of it (except maybe not talking to her H sooner). Does contacting her "hang over my life" today? Not in any way. Although... there is a part of me that's really sorry I didn't have the PI take photos of them together so I could send copies to her H to give him proof....
By the way, I agree with the advice that you shouldn't give your H any ultimatums right now. It will only come across to him that you are trying to "control" him. That usually doesn't work. The spouse just wonders what they are missing with OP and resents you for trying to control them. And OP comes out looking like the more attractive option.
P.s. If you do give an ultimatum,boundary or limit be COMPLETELY prepared to follow through. Otherwise you encourage it even further.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
If you're not sure about contacting the OW's H, then don't. If you can't see any crystal clear advantages on what contacting him would do at this point, don't. This sitch took awhile to create, and it's going to take awhile to resolve.
No, it's not fair they they are living in their fantasy world! But for all you know the OW's H does know. I can think of 2 others here (LWB and SueS) where the OW's H contacted them. I would just lay low for awhile.
On the other hand, there is a difference between an ultimatum and setting boundaries. Being treated disrespectfully is crossing a boundary (at least for me).
Remember the DB goal-setting rule -- set small goals! If you were to put your statements from your post this morning as goals and present them to a DB coach, they would tell you they're definitely off the charts, except perhaps for 'treating me with respect.'
- confront him and tell him that unless I see that he is willing to work on our marriage - which to me means: actively persuing a plan to get our marriage on track, - treating me with respect - living in the same home with me and the kids - and of course cutting off all contact with OW
Unless, of course, you've decided you've had enough. Only you know when to throw in the towel. Decide what you really want, to fight for your M or call it quits, then set some goals.
If you want to fight for your M, then what Zebra said is 100% true. "People are attracted to happy, loving people and are repelled by demanding, needy, miserable people. Do what works, avoid what doesn't."
My H has been claiming that his EA with the OW has been over since I discoved it in December, we went to Disney last week and there were numerous texts (the most being 20 in a day). I sent her a text this morning saying "What part of stay away from my husband didn;t you understand?" He is enraged because now she won't speak to him and they work together. I think it is more because he is afraid because he is "in love" with her. Was it a mistake? Today sucks, yesterday was decent because he was telling me he loved me and we got along but in the end I knew he was lying about her.
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
I am getting a lot of "advice" from our (H and my) friend (whose basement my H is living in at the moment). She feels that I am going to absolutely lose it if I don't do something to change the direction of all of this. I have to agree with her. I am quite unable to sleep or eat properly and feel as though my health (physical and mental) are at stake. Me body is shaking inside. I feel as though I have a motor which refuses to quit. I am tempted to accept the advice since I don't feel as though it can get any worse. I think that this can only end in D at this point seeing as though I'm not sure that I'll recover from the damage he has inflicted. I am even starting to question why I am trying so hard when he is able and willing to hurt me so badly. I do have my limits, my boundaries, my dealbreakers. A few weeks ago I would have thought that it would take a lot more to feel as though I was done....that I would put up with much more of his crap. Apparently I have hit the wall. I feel beaten down. I feel completely disrespected. I am having trouble seeing the reasons to work so hard when all I get is shut down.
Me: 38 H: 41 D13 D10 S7 M: 15 years T: 17 years Discovery of EA: 10/07 Suspected PA Trial separation: 1/31/08
Rob1231, I don't think that I understand piecing but does it mean that you've made it through to another level where you and your S are working at continuing you M? You are right that it is all happening so fast. I don't even know which way is up right now. If it weren't for not being able to leave work right now, I would have taken the kids somewhere far, far away for a bit to try to reconnect with them and my own inner self. So when you say, try to slow things down... please give me your thoughts on this. You sound like you're in a much more rational state of mind than I am.
Me: 38 H: 41 D13 D10 S7 M: 15 years T: 17 years Discovery of EA: 10/07 Suspected PA Trial separation: 1/31/08
Any chance your husband can transfer? How much contact do they have at work?
I'm wondering how she would have reacted if you had responded on the text messages and said something like, "___ and I are having a fabulous time! Thanks for your thoughts..." In otherwords... acting like she was YOUR friend too... and also, letting her know you see her messages... that they aren't secret. That may help deflate things a little. Once the secrecy is gone the excitement usually tones down......
Unfortunately, seeing you as an advisary might make her work harder at trying to win your H over. And she might think, "Wow she really is a bit@h, no wonder he wants to leave her...." This makes it easier to validate to herself what she's doing.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
No matter what you do you will need to emotionally detach and GAL. Your feelings and thoughts are reasonable for the situation. But only you can decide what is best for you. Weigh everything carefully.
{{{hugs}}}}
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I am having trouble seeing the reasons to work so hard when all I get is shut down.
Stop for a moment and look back - What is happening right before you are shut down?
STOP DOING IT. It's NOT working. DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT. DO WHAT WORKS.
Kiki, you are right to have every feeling that you have, every emotion. The hurt, pain, and anger are all still very raw and will take time, a LOT of time, to sort through. The key is to remember not to let your H see you this way. Be strong, and be positive about where you plan to head in your life.
You CAN do this. You just have to be willing to try, and you have to be willing to keep at it. Be prepared and know that it is a long process, and it is never easy. There will be good days, and there will be bad ones, too. It's a rollercoaster ride - hang on with all your might.
Please do your best to get some rest. STOP thinking about your sitch for a while. I know that's easier said than done, but Michele would remind you "easier DONE than said."
Changes will not happen overnight. Some M's take months before they're headed in the right direction, and some take years. Time and patience are essential.
Last edited by GoingForward; 02/19/0807:26 PM.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
