But at least I'm not trying by myself anymore. I now know that H wants this M to work just as much as I do.
Nothing similar expressed by my W but a blessing for you that he wants to work thru yours with you TH.
Quote:
If you really ARE willing to acknowledge an honest effort on her part, you can't be in a state that causes you to see everything she does as manipulative.
Agree with the latter; nonexistent on the former. I know my W. There is NO HONEST EFFORT ON HER PART.
I want to thank Bill....his comments are still very dead on. And...I agree with Jeff....the comments still probably don't even sink in. In fact, like we all have posted before, my W doesn't recall any of the lines or things she has said to me..in fact denies them. Comments like 'the physical chemistry is gone'...'the flame is out'.....'the day we walked down the aisle was a lie'...she cannot recall saying. So...Jeff...yes....it IS a cheeseless tunnel in THAT aspect.
ford's comments are correct as well. Although I agree that healing, forgiveness, etc is needed to move on...and thru...if recon is a possibility, I can still say that it does NOT OCCUR without the help of the person who committed the indiscretion. In fact, in reading a book by an 'expert' on infidelity, it states that the majority of M's that have infidelity involved where the S does not contribute to healing...usually go on to D. Do I run my life by statistics, well, not unless they help me plan an operation. bworl's words ring true...you can put the infidelity's behind you, cover them, etc, but the pain doesn't go and the healing doesn't occur and the TRUST doesn't return without the work of the other person and THAT must be done without beating them WHEN/IF they retutn to work on it, as TiredHeart's did above.
I WILL go on to admit my own failures here, that, I've posted before. I am tired of this. I have given up. I am NOT beating my W. In fact..if you all must know...when my W came to bed last night she pushed her way in between me and the kids (who snuck in in the middle of the night)and pushed herself into a spooning position.
I didn't push her away. In fact, I held her...the difference is that I recognize now that this is for HER...not for US...in fact, today, on her cell, she told me that this helps her with her 'pain'.
There is nothing here to stop this D. There is nothing here from my W that can be called 'an honest effort'. All her behavior now, as I see it...as it has been repeated in the past...are behaviors that are done out of fear..out of personal need...out of trying to redirect the dynamic back to her control. There are NO babysteps and there is NO desire at recon at all...as of today...as I can see it.
To FaithfulH: I admire your stand for your M and the return of your wife AND YOUR CONTINUED SUPPORT IN SPITE OF ME TAKING A DIFFICULT NON_DB PATH but there are significant differences here. Your W approached you, as I recall, inquiring about YOU beginning to know more about HER. She also was not out giving her cell phone number to strangers and with your DB'ing, she responded within a relative 'DB timeframe'. Although the hurt to you and your M was great, the behavior was not as destructive as in ours. For that...I am happy for you and you are certainly blessed. My W is gone. She does NOT do things as you describe them and I am NOT here to punish her. Do you realize who will suffer here the most by my decisions? MY KIDS!! With MY decision to file, I will lose MY HOME...I will be financially CRIPPLED. I've run many miles, alone, in the dark, thinking of this and trying for 2 years to not arrive here. But..lest we forget...perhaps it puts things in perspective to understand that I am willing to do this out of determining that this is a dead and destructive M as it exists right now. I can guarantee you...GUARANTEE..that if I tore up my complaint and just went back to DB'ing again, my W would NOT be back and WOULD seek out OM4. I AM SURE OF THAT and this is NOT said with anger or to rationalize my D
And to those who think I am punishing my W, I went with her and the kids to Madame Tussaud's Museum in NYC yesterday. I wasn't going to attend, but, my kids wanted me there....and my W thanked me for going (for the kids). I walked with D4 on my shoulders down 7th Avenue...I got lunch for us all...I took multiple photos of my W posing with various wax figures. I think that's pretty good considering what's happened in this sitch.
I'm so sorry. I wish things were otherwise.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
