If you're not sure about contacting the OW's H, then don't. If you can't see any crystal clear advantages on what contacting him would do at this point, don't. This sitch took awhile to create, and it's going to take awhile to resolve.
No, it's not fair they they are living in their fantasy world! But for all you know the OW's H does know. I can think of 2 others here (LWB and SueS) where the OW's H contacted them. I would just lay low for awhile.
On the other hand, there is a difference between an ultimatum and setting boundaries. Being treated disrespectfully is crossing a boundary (at least for me).
Remember the DB goal-setting rule -- set small goals! If you were to put your statements from your post this morning as goals and present them to a DB coach, they would tell you they're definitely off the charts, except perhaps for 'treating me with respect.'
- confront him and tell him that unless I see that he is willing to work on our marriage - which to me means: actively persuing a plan to get our marriage on track, - treating me with respect - living in the same home with me and the kids - and of course cutting off all contact with OW
Unless, of course, you've decided you've had enough. Only you know when to throw in the towel. Decide what you really want, to fight for your M or call it quits, then set some goals.
If you want to fight for your M, then what Zebra said is 100% true. "People are attracted to happy, loving people and are repelled by demanding, needy, miserable people. Do what works, avoid what doesn't."
