THIS ISNT CONFLICT THIS IS HIM ABUSING YOU EMOTIONALLY
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
Is there anyway I can make him see that he is abusing me emotionally, because I really dont think he realizes it or is doing it intentionally.
I had a feeling things werent right. He told me tonight that he was taking my advice and others and was just spending time with himself for a while....He said he knew that I said we couldnt work on things until he was over her and he wanted to see if he could get over her.
???Wants to see IF he can get over her....that bothered me. Shouldnt it be to GET over her?
He still doesnt get it. Then he goes on to say something about picking one of us....I just turned and walked away from the conversation. NO ONE IS GONNA PICK ME!! He should be the lucky one IF I pick him!!! He wanted to know why I was walking away, I just said that I didnt want to talk to him about any of this. He was right and I was glad he was taking time to himself. Then walked in the house.
Im glad he made it clear however that he was taking time to himself and that is why he hasnt called or texted or anything. I agreed, he should be alone. I am also going to give him the number of the therapist when our MC calls me with it. I only hope he will call and make the appt.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
I talked to my H last night. Got alot off of my chest. We talked about alot....including how insensitive it is of him to call me with problems about OW. Including the night he got drunk. He said he felt like I was the only person he could talk to about it. He apologized to me for all of it. He is dead set on having some much needed time to himself. I have given him the number of the therapist and told him HE needs to call and set the apt up. He agreed and said he was going to. He wanted to know why he had been doing all of this. He finally wanted to know the underlying issues to his undecisiveness and all of it. He said he hadnt had a moment of peace since all of this had started and wishes he had listened to me before about seeking help. Said he was amazed at how easy I seemed to have it and how he was struggling with money and stuff. I told him I had GOd providing everything I need. He talked about being wanting to be happy. I told him that he would never be happy as long as he was looking for Happiness in another person. He didnt understand, I didnt think he would, but hopefully the counselor will help him. He said he wanted to be alone and that he wanted time to get his thinking straight. He said he had talked to the OW and she said she felt like maybe it is just meant to be for them to be good friends and thats all, but she misses him. I told him that I would prefer him not talking about her to me.
Maybe some of you think this conversation shouldnt have taken place. But basically I told him that I would prefer keeping things the way they are because I can never figure out what page he is on. He flips his pages so fast that I cant keep up!! He said he knew that and that he was sorry. I told him I felt I was being mistreated emotionally. I told him I how wrong it was for him to lie and deceive the OW and to see her believe him was not right on his side.
Anyway....he is alone.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
My h is not with me...or with OW. He and I have both agreed that he needs to get over her and get himself some help before he and I would ever be able to work on things. He is finally attempting to do so. He has said that he wants to work on things with me, but not until he gets his head on straight. So, do I try to go back to being semi dark? Talking only kid stuff. No answering texts like "Good Morning" "how is your day?" Do I ignore? DO I just reply and leave it at that? Today it has gone like this....He called the kids to wish them a good day. He texted me about an hour later saying good morning. I waited about an hour to text him back. I just said good morning. Then around lunch time today he asked how my day was going? I said Fine. I also asked him to call me when he got a sec. He did. I told him our Daughter has an open house tonight to greet teachers and get a progress report. He has the kids tonight so I wanted him to know and if he was to go, I would go along, since I missed the last one. He said he didnt want to go, last time it was crazy and he preferred not to go. I told him that was fine, she didnt have to go. So, I said ok and he thanked me for letting him know and I said good bye.
THat has basically been it today. I feel that is the way it should be. I dont want to be rude and not respond to a hello. I am giving him time and space. Should I go darker? Should I keep it friendly and ask occasionally how he is?
Just wondering.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
I wouldn't ask how he is but responding to a hello from him would be just fine IMHO. You don't need to be unfriendly, just not too open to allow him to dump on you.
Keep a healthy distance for you and for him. He needs that time alone to figure out how to BE alone.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Thanks Mishka...He did call me later to ask if anything was going on. Just friendly conversation. NO R talk at all. I felt it was ok. He contacted me. Im trying to keep a distance though.
He is however doing good with the kids. He picked them up yesterday on his day off and spent the afternoon with them. Feed them supper, then brought them home. He didnt go to TKD last night. Had a meeting. Tonight is his regular night with the kids, so he will have them till 8. Also, we had traded weekends last week, so he was supposed to have them 2 weekends in a row and then I was to do the same. This weekend is actually my weekend, but I guess he was confused about it and last night when I mentioned him pulling duty this weekend he said he couldnt because he has the kids.....I didnt say anything. I have them all the time. If he wants them this weekend, I wont say a word about it. Besides, the OW is working this weekend and he would be there with her....so there is a plus to it! He has said though that he is trying to avoid situations where he and she would be alone so there would be no "problems". He has said he doesnt want to lead either of us on....ok.
Anyway. Im kinda glad things are going this way for now. Actually I spent some time with him over the weekend and I was very uncomfortable. He told me last night he was too. So I told him I was also....we laughed and said we wish one of us had said something! We both agreed that we are not ready for anything right now and the best thing for him is to be alone and get some counseling.
I hope this counselor will be good for him. Our MC recommended her because he knows my H and the problems and our MC is very picky about therapists he recommends. Our MC also said that my H was beyond being helped any further by him. That it wasnt about our marriage, but about him and something from maybe his childhood. I am very interested to see that therapy will bring out in him. I just hope he will go more than a couple of times.
So, just keep praying, Im trying to stay away from the vaccumn.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Im actually looking forward to this coming weekend. I have alot I want to do. First off, Im going to go and buy me a new grill for outside....Im giving the old one that really needs trashing to my H. He said he wanted it if I got a new one! I am going to work on my back porch were we took the pool down late last year. I have alot of other little projects I want to work on to.
So, Im looking forward to doing some stuff....for me!!
Last edited by kissak; 02/20/0801:54 AM.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
shhhh..don't say that too loud. Imp's gonna ask you to come clean his house when you are done.
Kissak,
I hope you are proud of yourself girl. You are so different this time around and thats a fabulous thing. Good job! Keep it up!
~ swl
Look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again. Wisely improve the present. It is thine. Go forth to meet the shadowy future, without fear. {Henry Wadsworth Longfellow}
