Meredith - your 5 years..

[tpaschal]

In fact, maybe that is a good idea for tpascal. Since it might be a tad much to picture your husband, um, deceased... let's picture him gone instead. He's on a deserted island in the middle of nowhere. Crap. Now what?

Well, now you have to go back to work since deserted islands don't pay well. There isn't any cell phone reception there either so you can't even call to tell him what a total piece of you-know-what he is for eating coconuts all day long while you work your fingers to the bone to put broccoli on the table. He blew up his ship (intentionally) so he's not going to be able to get back to the mainland anytime soon.

LOL! Actually, thinking of him dying doesn't make me as sad as thinking of him continuing on this path for the rest of his life.

I've often thought it would have been easier on all of us if he had died in a car accident back in Dec. 06, instead of us having to watch him change into this totally alien person. It would have been horrible, and we would have grieved terribly, but we would have had the comfort of remembering him as the wonderful husband, father, doctor, and son that he was. Now? Now we've got the grief without the comfort. Now we've got the pain of fresh wounds on a regular basis.

It's hard to explain it to S9 and D5, but I've actually used a similar analogy on D13. She has needed help with Algebra this year, but H is rarely available, and when he has been he gets easily frustrated with her and ends up yelling and she ends up crying. But D13 did not want to consider other options---taking up Grandfather's offer of help instead of calling Daddy, hiring an outside tutor---because she had never had to before. I finally said, "What if asking Daddy for help wasn't an option? What would you do if the Army desperately needed more doctors, and your Dad was drafted and sent to Iraq for the next two years? Then you would HAVE to consider one of these other options, right? Well, then, that's what we have to imagine. When it comes to Algebra, Daddy is in Iraq."

She gets it. She doesn't like it, but she gets it.

I guess I'm on the right track, just need to apply it to me and not just to the kids, hmmm?

Basically, he's eating coconuts under palm trees and you need to process your anger AND get on with getting on. Since we don't know if he'll build another ship or not, we can't count on him but we can hope if we want to. So, all of our stock is in you, baby.

Childcare - what are the choices? YOUR choices, who cares what that coconut-eater wants, he's busy eating coconuts! We'll send a messenger bird out there with the new plan, just to keep him informed, but since he's not going to be an active part of the solution he really doesn't need to be an active part in the decision either.

Obviously this isn't the cure all since he will be an influence in his children's lives and you can't REALLY kick him to an island. But it might help to visualize solutions better...

Back to CMNM on this...

This does help---thanks.

In some ways, I think it would be easier if he WAS stuck far away on that island or in Iraq or whatever. I think I can make my major decisions that way---when and where to go back to work, when and where to move, what to do about after school care, etc., and it will be much easier for me.

But I do struggle with how to handle my part in his interactions with the kids. CMNM mentioned earlier about facilitating her H's relationship with their kids---where she allowed H to come ove for TV night with S. I'm trying to do the same thing. H picks up our 2 younger kids from school one day a week and brings them to the house. And sometimes when it's supposed to be his weekend but he refuses to take them for whatever reason he'll do the same thing---just come over here to see them. Sometimes he'll take them to the park, but usually he just hangs out with them here for an hour or two. I try to stay out of the way unless I'm asked by H or the kids to join in or contribute. Is that good for DB'ing? I think so, but don't really know. I want him to feel comfortable and welcome here (though I can tell by how he sometimes paces through the house that he is nervous and uncomfortable.)

But what about when it comes to some of the other stuff of daily life? I really struggle with this stuff. My lawyer says I need to show good will by keeping him informed, so...how far do I go?

For instance---S9 just started playing soccer. Do I send him the website and let him get the game and practice schedules himself, because, after all, he is a big boy and if he wants to find out what his kids are doing he's got the tools to do it. OR, do I go a step further and send him a copy of the game and practice schedules and leave it at that? OR, should I say, "Hey, I need help getting S9 to soccer practice this week because it conflicts with D13's activities. Please let me know when you can help." OR, should I be more assertive and say, "S9 has soccer tonight, I'm supposed to run D13's carpool which conflicts, please pick up S9 at 6pm for soccer."

Actually, I've used each one of these over the past year. Still not sure which approach is the right one. Sometimes he'll react positively to one approach, then the next time be a big jerk about it.

I usually do tend toward the more assertive approach, I guess because my thought has been that if we were still happily married and he was living at home, we would share responsibility for the kids as we always did. So what if he's made the choice to leave the marriage? Why should that affect the kids anymore that it already has? He's still their father, and needs to share responsibility just like we always did.

Is that completely wrong? I just don't know anything for sure anymore.

I really do appreciate you guys and your advice. I hope I'm not being too draining!!


On a positive note about things I'm doing for me---I started the Financial Peace University class at my church, I've started walking in the mornings, and my friend and I just decided to do a booth in our community wide garage sale this spring. It's a great incentive to clean out the closets and weed through all the kids old toys and clothes!