I really need to work on GALing outside of the kids. I need to give her more space but she keeps planning these activities, Harlem GlobeTrotters tomorrow. I am doing great at detaching but need to GAL more without the kids. Need to find that time. Just planned a trip to Colorado with a buddy in March. I'm pumped but will be thinking about her the whole time and what she is doing.
I am a little crazy in the brain right now but i will be back on my feet someday.
Tree - this must be awful for you, bro. It sounds like you are playing it the best way you can...she is trying to get under your skin and make you crack. But you are being strong and steady...IF she wants to return to the marriage at some point, this is the man she will want to come back to. That's why it is so important that, as she continues to test you - you don't budge.
Say what I said - one hour, one day, one week at a time.
Me: 54 Her: 50 and sexy as hell M: 32yrs T: 34yrs Bomb: Sept 26-07 "lost our emotional connection" Bomb 2: Dec 25-07 she's "not feeling desire" She asked if she could come home Apr 26-08! Everything's GREAT!
Thanks Mink. I am really working hard. This is real important to me.
She is really angree and only has me to take it out on. Trying to get under my skin but really just today. Everything was going well. Even got a kiss (peck) today. Something is motivating her to move this S process along faster. Must be OM (BOZO). If she freezes the joint account that is going to throw a huge wedge in things.
She may burn out on OM. You need to be there if and when she does. If you are a rock through all of this, you will be the one she leans on. If not, she will go elsewhere. Really man, it's your only chance, you must do it.
Check my thread, things went very well for us this weekend. I am being cautious and doing what is working. Thanks for asking.
Just got back from the Harlem Globetrotters game. We had a great time with the kids. W was very nice we had some good laughs. I can tell her mind is elsewhere. Texting the whole time.
I wish I had a magic pill that would make her love me again. I dropped them off at the house and went back to work and got a thank you and hug and kiss from all except W. I was a little upset/disappointed but I am expecting nothing at all from her.
Funny story, i was talking to her best friend again today because W was upset that I spoke to her last week and was crying the blues with her. Had a 1 hr talk with her friend today which was really nice but kinda scary. She told me that W has not made up her mind either way but did say things were going better with her and I. She said wife was very confused and in a lot of pain. Then a funny thing happened, she told me she didn't love her husband anymore, LYBNILWY, and started talking about that. She said she was going to stick by him cause she felt bad and has young kids and he is a nice guy (Fat). They have not ML in a very long time. Then she asked me if I wanted to go out for a drink one night. Knocked my boots right off. We have always had a little attraction towards each other but I could never do that to her family nor mine. I think she just meant to talk further about our blues but still. Ego builder.
Since my BOMB in December and I have lost twenty pounds, started DBing in all aspects of my life, working hard at the gym, got new hair cut and have been dressing nice EVERYWHERE I go people have stopped me and said how great I look. One Very attractive lady that I have known for 20 years walked across the room at the Super Bowl Party just to tell me how great I look. I can't tell you how good that feels in this sitch because I am just a plain old ordinary boring 48 year old guy. I just wish the W would notice. Maybe she does but doesn't want to lead me on or give me faulse hope. That hurts. I really miss her touch.
There was another lady (D two years ago) at the soccer game from the other team that I have gotten to know thru the years because our boys are on the same team and she was in back of me talking very loud to a friend about how she has not been out on a date for a long time and where she was thinking about hanging out with some freinds on Thursday night a few towns away. She is a very attractive African lady who if this doesn't work out I am definatly going to call. I have a really bad atrraction to African woman. I think they are so bueatiful.
Well anyway I am dreaming again. It's good to dream, right? Takes the mind off the misery. I really think I am doing better everyday with a few minor set backs.
Just wanted to let you guys know that I got a kiss goodbye this morning. Nothing yet from her Lawyer on S. I have no idea what is going on. Last night she announced at 7PM that she had to go out and show some apartments to customers and was gone til 9:30. I didn't ask her where she was or what she was doing and i think she appriciated that. I don't ask for I don't believe anything she says. She may have gone to met OM but there is nothing i can do about that and really don't want to know. A little upsetting because our favorate show was on and I wanted to watch it as a family. She did come in to my room to say goodnight (twice), I am thinking about asking her if I can sleep in her room soon. Waht do you think?
I am thinking about asking her if I can sleep in her room soon. Waht do you think?
NO!!!! DON'T DO IT!!!
It is like "asking" for sex...one of the most needy things that we, as men, can do.
Continue to play it cool. Act as if you are fine with the way things are.
If you grasp onto the very first glimmer of hope, (which I think you are doing), you will hurt your chances incredibly.
Wait until you are SURE that the tide has turned, before doing anything like this. When she wants you in her bed, she will ask you or drop a hint.
Sorry to be so blunt.
Me: 54 Her: 50 and sexy as hell M: 32yrs T: 34yrs Bomb: Sept 26-07 "lost our emotional connection" Bomb 2: Dec 25-07 she's "not feeling desire" She asked if she could come home Apr 26-08! Everything's GREAT!
Every guy on this board is a successful ALPHA MALE. We are the winners in life - good careers, some money, the works. If we were not intelligent guys, we probably would not be fighting for our marriages, DBing, seeing shrinks and getting awesome advice on this website.
Our problem is giving up control. It's just not natural, it is not in our DNA. Our wives married us because we are men, not mice. We are take charge kind of guys and leaders of our families.
For some reason.. our wives have decided that they no longer want to co-habitate with alpha males. The want to exert their independence and be respected as equals. The problem is that we are fighting a couple thousand years of genetics (i.e CAVEMAN). Wife stayed home with kids, man went out to hunt for food.
Giving up control to the Mrs. is just not natural for us. It really is a lot of work. My parents have been married forever, they have a great life and a good marriage. My mom ignores a lot of my dad's sh*t. He is a bit demanding, but she accepts who he is and loves him for it. She looks for the good in him and understands that he is not perfect. She also accepts her role as mom/grandmom and absolutely loves it. She lives for her kids and grand-kids.
Do our wives fit this description - unfortunately for us no. So we have to work within the new system or get divorced and find someone more compatible for us.
It's funny that what attracted your wife to you in the first place is what she now despises.
But... that drive, leadership and desire for control has enabled you to build a great life for your family.
Does any of this make sense?
Ladies - am I off here? Am I being sexist? I hope not.
I've learned a lot from a book called "Compelled to Control" - fish, you have some valid points...but most guys need to learn that while it is OK to control our environment, and our children, and (if you are a leader) our employees but that controlling a spouse - even though it starts out as being seen as a "strong man" - will end up causing major problems....
The book is heavy on the basis for control and recommends a 12-step approach to changing. But its like so many have learned and said here on the board - the only thing you can control is you....
The Serenity prayer can be a lifesaver when Db'ing for me.
