Help Me Act AS IF, Part 3

[Grace_O]

lmg,

It's hard to go without the physical contact. More so the emotional connection. Sigh. All things in time.

I'm hopeful that all will prevail for you though

Hmmm Thai food.

So what's up for tomorrow?

[newnamenewlife]

lmg,

So what's up for tomorrow?

Well, so far the morning has been hard. My mom called and I got her to admit she is depressed. She has always had a drinking problem to put it mildly and lately she has just been holing up alone in her apt, cancels plans, just isn't functioning well. I am her only child and she is my only living parent. I have spent so much of my life trying to detach from her, and have succeeded pretty well. But today I am a mess. She is stubborn and avoids getting herself help.

So I told H and he was very sweet and supportive and offered to call her doctor next week about it. He knows how hard it is for me to deal with my mom and he said "Sweetie, we'll deal with this. It will be OK."

That's the nicest thing he has said to me in weeks--and while I know I should be happy, it makes me feel worse that he is clearly able to be present and supportive in every way, as long as he doesn't have to say he loves me or act like my husband.
That hurts, crazy as it sounds. I know it would be worse if he was MIA in all ways, but at least it would be a global problem if you know what I mean. When he's there for me and for the kids, it just makes the IDLYA thing stand out even more.

I hate the idea that he would be so comfortable just to be my friend/co-parent. I hate the thought of us being separated/divorced and him being my pal and seeing me through difficult things, but then giving his love to another woman. It sickens me.

Not trying to compare my sitch to anyone else's. They are all hard in their own specific ways because of our own specific Hs and histories.

Hugs to you, Treese. 29 years and NC from your H is totally awful and I'm so sorry you have to deal with that.

Grace and Ingrid and everyone else who keeps me afloat here--thank you. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your input and help.

[newnamenewlife]

bump ^

[Grace_O]

lmg,

How are you doing today? Sounds like you've had a tough few days.

I know that the "friends" thing they throw at you can be hard. I do think it's very kind of him to be supportive of you. If you had to choose between only being friends and not having him in your life at all any idea what you might choose? I've asked myself this and found it helpful.

Hang in there. HUGS

[newnamenewlife]

[quote=Grace_O If you had to choose between only being friends and not having him in your life at all any idea what you might choose? [/quote]

I'd like to think I'd choose friends--but truly, being friends with someone who you want as an H is in a way worse than having him out of my life as much as possible. He'll always know I wanted more and I'll wonder, if he ends up with another woman in the future, what she has that I don't.

I'm not very mature in this way, I guess. It's easy for the person who wants the R to be just friends to live like that, but for the one who wants more, not so easy. How do you get past that imbalance?

Furthermore, my real friends love to hang out with me; H seems to avoid spending time alone with me at all costs. What kind of friend is that?

Tonight, for example, our Ds will be at their g-parents' house overnight. H has not mentioned that we could do something together, nor have I. I almost did and then recalled how tense it makes him. Going out alone doesn't seem appealing either. I know this is my chance to GAL and make my own plans, but it never matters to him when I do that--and none of my friends (the real ones) are available tonight anyway.

[Grace_O]

I'd like to think I'd choose friends--but truly, being friends with someone who you want as an H is in a way worse than having him out of my life as much as possible. He'll always know I wanted more and I'll wonder, if he ends up with another woman in the future, what she has that I don't.

There is no right answer to this question (one of the reasons I didn't want to influence you with what I think for myself). It's something we all come to for ourselves. as far as the imbalance goes, I think time gives us perspective. I can tell you I see things differently now than I did a year ago. In reading different threads here I see the changes in others too so I know we all evolve to different places and at different times.

Going out alone may not seem apealing, but you want to stay home with him? Why? Is it b/c you're afraid of the limited time you'll have left to spend with him and you want to grab every second? Don't you think you telegraph to him whatever it is your thinking/feeling? I know it's hard, but you have to start somewhere.

Btw, you don't make plans so that he will notice. I know you know this. I also know you're in a place where you want him to notice and show he cares. Right now you have to care for you. He's doing his own thing. What types of things do you like to do? Movies, dinner, book store browsing? If you just do it, it'll be easier next time and before you know it you'll actually be enjoying yourself. What about a class? Something to get you out and occupy your mind.

You can do this.

HUGS

[Treese]

LMG;

I understand totally what you mean about the friends thing..My H told his mom that he hoped we could be friends some day. To me that is an indication that he does not ever plan on coming home..I really don't know if I can be his friend...I love him, and I want to love him as my H...it is very hard...

This NC stuff sucks, I won't lie but Im doing what I need to do for the BEST chance of reconnection...He appears to be happy as a lark, but that could be a front...

(((hugs))))

Treese

[newnamenewlife]

I am really upset right now, so venting/journaling here. Ds went to sleep over at my in-laws' house tonight and, while H & I made no plans to do anything together, I assumed he'd come home after dropping them off. Well, he called to say that he decided to stay over there tonight since D6 was upset and forgot her blankie. He told me that he'd probably go to a movie by himself and just sleep there--as if I need to know that.

Obviously, he wants to avoid the horror of having to be alone with me for a whole night. D6 being upset and forgetting her blankie is pretty typical. She will be FINE, she always is; this is the first time H has worried about something like that. Usually, I'm the one who worries about them and he tells me to relax and forget about it.

Anyway, D11--who is also staying at my in-laws tonight, and who has already expressed concern that things are not OK with us--just called me to ask why Daddy is sleeping there tonight. I said he thought D6 was upset, and she said "she's not, she's fine! This is freaking me out. I'm afraid you guys are getting a divorce." To which I said "I'm not getting a divorce. Don't worry about it."

UGHHHH. Then I had a glass of wine and my anger got the better of me. I left a message on Hs phone(he's at a movie) telling him what D11 said and that he wasn't fooling anyone--that it was clear he was staying there to avoid coming home to me. I said I was sorry that he was struggling and having a hard time with this, but that he better figure out what he's doing because he's not being fair to me and he certainly isn't being fair to D11 by playing these games.

And I feel better, actually, as non-DB as that was, because it is a 180 for me/us. H&I don't argue or fight, never have, and sometimes I think he needs me to get angry at him or put him on the spot because he is so removed, unaware, conflict-avoidant and numb. It hurts me the way he is behaving, yes, but what pisses me off is how he is in complete denial over what he's doing to our Ds by hurting me. He is a good dad to them, he really is, but D11 in particular notices what's going on and is scared. She is an anxious, sensitive child at a very difficult stage in her life and she should not have to deal with this limbo. I keep reassuring her things are OK, but she knows something is off and it's upsetting her.

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((((lmg)))))))
I'm sorry your H is being a ninny! I'm not sure that you did a bad thing leaving that message, but now that you have done it you should drop it, I think! You've put some things into his head, it will take a while for his remaining funtioning brain cell to digest.

You should go rent a Chick Flick, get some popcorn, and have a pary of one!

[cw68]

LMG, I totally understand how you feel. Last night my daughter cried and this morning my son did. I told my husband about both of them and told him that I wasn't telling him to make him feel guilt, but rather so that he'd know where they were mentally. Of course, I'd LIKE him to feel some guilt about it, though that really isn't the intent. We are trying really hard to co-parent well together.

Regarding the friends thing, I don't know if I could do that. Like you, I'd always want more. Yes, I want him to be happy, but I guess I'm not selfless enough to want that at my and my kids' expense.

After a bad day yesterday, and a sleepless night, I'm feeling a little bit better. We are having dinner here at the house together and watching a movie together after the kids go to bed.

Lately I've been thinking that starting a journal is a great idea. In fact, I think I'll stop by the store after I go to the gym tonight. Exercise does help.

I've been trying to do some 180 things, mostly successful, and I find that achieving the change makes me feel better regardless of him. One of my "issues" is procrastination; I'll start ten projects without finishing a single one. Recently I've been completing things every other day or so and it feels good. I think he's noticing, but at this point I don't even care.

Pick up gardening, read some classics, write some short stories, go to a movie by yourself, set up a regular volunteer gig, get your body doing something it's not used to doing. It refreshes. Go for a long walk, buy a yoga DVD, something, anything.