Last thread locked. Here's the last couple of posts.
I LOVE YOU GUYS!! Well the kiddos are back!
I was kinda worried if he was going to send them home or not since he wouldn't answer his phone so I could talk to them. I called once a day and TM once a day. Finally today I called 3 times and finally sent a TM asking where the kids were. He finally sent a text back saying they were at the airport. Thank God.
They had so much fun. I really am glad they did but it is like a great big party every time they see him now. At least he did do things with them. Things I always asked him to do with us and he wouldn't. Grrr.
I did sit down with D9 and told her she could ask me questions and that I would answer them honestly. She said she was mad at me because I lied to her. STBX told her that he and I came to a joint decision to D. And that we fought all the time and ow told her that I caused a lot of the fights. (nice) I told her that simply wasn't true. That the decision to D was solely her dad's, that I wanted to work on fixing our M and had stayed in NJ for a year waiting for him to change his mind, and he didn't/hasn't. I told her that we didn't fight very much, heck he would have to have been home to fight and he was never there until after everyone was asleep. She started crying and said she didn't know which one of us to believe or who's side to be on. I told her that she doesn't EVER need to choose sides, that we both love her and she loves both of us and that is all she needs to do. Nobody wants her to choose a side.
I told her that I heard ow tell her that I left her dad too. And that is not true. I did tell her that I don't know what STBX has told ow so perhaps she believes this all but that no, it is not true.
Then I asked her if I ever said anything to make her think her dad is a jerk. She said that me telling her that her dad left us did. I told her that I said her dad doesn't want to be M to ME that it had nothing to do with them. She said but he left us too. I told her that didn't mean that he doesn't love them.
I asked her if she told her dad that I talk bad about him, she said she couldn't remember. Later she said she did and that she told him I said mean things about him. I have to say I did get upset with her about this. I explained to her that when she does this it makes the R btwn STBX and me very difficult and that wouldn't it be nice if we could talk and be nice to each other? I also told her that she needs to straighten this out with her dad that I'm not going to allow her to let him think that he is being bad-mouthed here. She said she thought that to get a D the parents had to hate each other and that was just what happened. I explained that it doesn't have to be that way and that it would be nice to at least get along at birthday parties and special occassions. She was crying and saying she is really sorry and that she didn't mean to. But she refused to call him, she sent him an email. Then she siad she doesn't remember if she said these things or not that she has short-term memory loss. She was so upset. I told her that I still love her to death even if she did say this stuff but that it is completely unacceptable to do so.
I asked D5 if I have ever said anything bad about her dad. She said no, you only say he loves us and misses us. At least one of them knows.
Okay how Spingeresque is this????
D9 was in the kitchen with me getting lunch bags ready for school tomorrow.
She non-challantly asks "mom, what's a playmate?"
Um, excuse me?
What's a playmate?
Where did you hear that term?
Ow's D13 says that when she grows up she wants to be a Playmate. She has a mirror in her room that says Playmate on it and it has a little bunny in the corner. Dad has some cards that have girls in bunny outfits on them (and the girls have something else but I honestly can't remember my mind was spinning) D13 says that a Playmate is a model and they make lots of money and you get a free house in LA.
Well, a Playmate is a kind of model that poses without her clothes on for pictures in a magazine.
Ewwwww gross.
(Thank God!!)
That's all I've got today. I do feel bad for getting mad at D9 but I can't let her stir the pot just for the sake of doing so. I told her it's not fair to me, STBX or anyone else.
Blech.
Love, Shades
Posted by Sofaraway...
(((((SHADES)))))
One thing I have learned through all of this is that kids are so much smarter than we give them credit for. Try not to overcomplicate it with the kids. Reality is that they see right and wrong from your current actions more so than from any talk that you have with them.
Your STBX can talk all he wants, the ow can spew her bullshit as well, in the long run your children will know right from wrong. Truth from lies. Fact from fiction. They will know this from your actions, they will also know this when they get older and understand the dynamics of relationships better.
Try as hard as you can to not really focus on such matters and instead steer the conversation towards how you will take care of them in the future.
Your kids are very bright, they may at times have their vision skewed, but in the end they will see very clearly. Have some faith in that.
Ian
Thank you Ian. I do have faith that they will eventually figure it out, but sometimes I still worry about it. And I do think not understanding the dynamics of a M R confuses the heck out of the little ones. D9 says that her dad loves ow more than he loves her. I tried to explain that it is a different type of love and that ow would never replace her in her dad's heart. I explained to her that I love to be outside, I love our cat, I love reading books and I love her and that they are all different types of love.
I feel bad for getting upset with her last night. I know she felt really bad about it too. And I don't know if telling her to send her dad an email was the right thing or not since it might just come across as me forcing her to do it. But I am trying to teach her that if she does something that's not right she needs to at least try to set it straight.
Why is life so complicated??
Heading off to work. I'll check in tonight when I get home.
I found pictures of ow on Facebook again...she is so very outgoing and young. I can't imagine her taking care of my kids and being a 'responsible' adult...but she will certainly try it...just to please my H. Oh well, nothing can be done about it. I am hoping H has balls enough to intervene if all goes sour...
By the way, seeing the pictures, did not have the same effect on me as it did last time...weird...but very nice. I feel so much more detached !
Take care Shades xxx
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
I found pictures of ow on Facebook again...she is so very outgoing and young. I can't imagine her taking care of my kids and being a 'responsible' adult...but she will certainly try it...just to please my H. Oh well, nothing can be done about it. I am hoping H has balls enough to intervene if all goes sour...
By the way, seeing the pictures, did not have the same effect on me as it did last time...weird...but very nice. I feel so much more detached !
Take care Shades xxx
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
She started crying and said she didn't know which one of us to believe or who's side to be on. I told her that she doesn't EVER need to choose sides, that we both love her and she loves both of us and that is all she needs to do. Nobody wants her to choose a side.
Excellent answer.
Quote:
I told her that I heard ow tell her that I left her dad too. And that is not true. I did tell her that I don't know what STBX has told ow so perhaps she believes this all but that no, it is not true.
Again excellent answer. She need sto hear your side. it would be nice if both parents could sit down and explain to the children the TRUTH. But you know that is hard to do for MLCers.
Poor D9 -she is confused. I wish he would not allow OW to talk to her about anything.
I think there should be a boundary there. I think you need to tell H that you would appreciate it if only you and him should talk to Ds about your situation. It is inappropiate.
Quote:
They had so much fun. I really am glad they did but it is like a great big party every time they see him now. At least he did do things with them. Things I always asked him to do with us and he wouldn't. Grrr.
That is his guilt .let him. It will wear off. One day h left a tv for D7 at the doorstep. HELLLOOOOOO!!!!!!
I am pretty sure it will al backfire on them . Don't you worry. you are doing good. Just love your kids and let OW and H dig their own holes..as they are.
I am happy, BEYOND happy, that Shades gets to hear this filth (sad that it's through her precious daughter, though).
So, once and for all, she can put to rest any outlandish and ridiculous notion that this ow is in any way on the same planet as her. WHAT????
Please.
My parents would have sent me to boarding school on Mars if they thought I wanted to be a Playmate, much less a model. I could not even seriously think of it without making myself barf and feel so ashamed for wanting to do that.
It's one thing to want to be pretty, and recognized. It's another altogether, at the age of 13, to want to be a Playmate and to have a mirror that says so.
I am so glad that you're setting a wonderful role for your kids. You are a strong, honest, woman of inspiration and integrity.
you are soooo dramatic. Always, (sigh) that is why we are sisters.