WOW !!! So many things to say..Essie I feel so emotional for you, this is amazing news!! I dont blame you for sounding cautious, but really, it all sounds BRILLIANT !!! He is missing you !!! Thats incredible. Dont worry about being not so interesting, he wasnt calling for a low down of your life, he was calling as a first step toward you, I'm sure? I also didnt say stuff on the phone, but you told me to just leave the bike lying around I think..sure enough, when my BF came by, he saw it and I think that had more of a powerful effect on him than me just reeling off all the great new things I had been doing...as I bet it would have gone in one ear and out the other! I bet you will get chance to casually tell him stuff about your fab new life when you SEE HIM ! He said he was going to come round and get the photos - YAY! He hasnt fogotton the photos! I know you were upset about that stuff. Amaazing ! Also, you said..
Quote:
Now I know that that sounds good that he was worried about me, but at the time when he was saying that I was thinking that it sounded final. Like he's worried how I'm going to cope without him forever. He did say he wanted to stay in touch more. And he was hoping to come over in a few weeks time to copy some digital photos.
That really doesnt sound to me like the conversation of someone who is thinking of D (which is I guess what you meant), sounds like someone who wants to make a step toward you? Why would he say he wants to stay in touch more and misses you and your Dad and the dog even (!), if he was moving on with his life and wants a D??You will have to wait and see of course what happens next, but it sounds exactly what you were hoping for! I'M SO PLEASED FOR YOU!!! Sorry to shout, but I am. Anyway, how did you leave it with him at the end of the conversation? You didnt say - did he promise to call again?
I think you did a GOOD JOB!!! Don't worry about opportunities to show your changes. they will come. The most important thing is that you already made them, for yourself. You will know when the moment is right to slip in some kind of mention of them. I doubt this is the last time he will call you on the phone! I think even though your goal was to show changes and you're frustrated that you "didn't", you did a GREAT JOB of being a safe harbor. It sounds like he was really opening up to you. And also, you did a great job of letting HIM do the talking.
I actually printed this out from elsewhere in the site & keep it on my desk, even though I am so far away from having a converstaion with my b:
"Make sure you validate their feelings when they get into any kind of feelings talk, but do not offer solutions. The less you help the more they have to look at themselves. It is a big part of the whole process. Once you stop and back away from the sitch the less they can place blame on you.... if you are happy when they are around they need to find there own reason to leave. It makes them look at themselves and makes them start to think about what is going on in there head. It is very easy to put blame on someone else then take a look at yourself. Don't give them that."
Sounds like you are totally prepared to do this in person!!!!
Keep us posted, Essie, I am so proud of you and excited!!! (((HUGS))) TRANSFORMER
Fantastic news. Sounds like you DBed like a pro. It's fantastic to hear that H has been missing you and thinking about you- definitely an excellent baby step. I don't think you should worry about not smiling when you're trying to be sympathetic- I can imagine that would have been hard!
Originally Posted By: Essie
And he said he had had a weird few days and was missing my family and thinking about me (he saw my Dad yesterday) and even missing my sisters dog. I said that the dog probably missed him too.
A master stroke of genius. Love that the dog probably missed him too (but might not have?!). Brilliant!
Originally Posted By: Essie
Now I know that that sounds good that he was worried about me, but at the time when he was saying that I was thinking that it sounded final. Like he's worried how I'm going to cope without him forever.
I don't think this is necessarily something to worry about. He is worried about you, so he is thinking about you. In the Art of Seduction, it says that a common mistake people make is to assume that they are not affecting the other person, whereas what is actually needed is persistence and patience to have an effect. You are affecting your H without even speaking to him- that is an excellent result!!
Originally Posted By: Essie
I was trying to be a bit mysterious, but I dont think it worked, I think I just sounded boring... I need specific help on this.
I'm not sure I can provide very specific help on this, as I often think I sound boring when I'm talking to my H, but I wouldn't be so sure that your holding back a little didn't work- H might very well now be thinking 'Hmmmm, Essie didn't say much. I wonder what she's been up to? Maybe I should call and find out'. Would it be worth giving it some time before making a change? As someone who is excellent at talking about herself, my advice if you want to talk more and listen less would be to just jump in there and go for it! (Joking of course- 2 ears, 1 mouth= listen twice as much as speaking!!)
Originally Posted By: Essie
Apart from having a hunky semi-naked guy answer the door next time H makes contact how can I make him feel like I'm moving on and happy so that he isnt worried about me and he has to start to chase me?
LOL! Give H some time- he will notice your changes slowly but surely, especially as it sounds like you've moved on already, and you were so positive in your DBing yesterday. Oh, but I would love to see the look on H's face if he did get greeted by a hunky semi-naked guy next time he visits!!
Brilliant news about the contact Essie- I can't wait for the next installment.
Thank you so much girls! I really appreciate your insight. Its funny how when its your own situation you just cant see it from a detached point of view.
T - you are amazing. You have a knack for finding the right resources for everyone. I read things and then forget where they are.... I really appreciate your quote on validating - very timely for me!
Next time I have contact I might try just talking about me and monitor the results. But you guys are right he probably is noticing changes without me doing or saying much. Definitely a 180 for me was not saying that I missed him - I used to say it all the time if we were apart for even a day. As we were breaking up I said that I was going to miss him several times. Anyway I think the dog may have moved on - he shows no signs of missing H! Ha ha!!
I got the job!!! Yay!!! Am quite proud of myself. It means tons more responsibility and I will be on a steep learning curve and working my butt off, but if I can do it it will be really exciting. If I was still with H I probably would not have gone for the job, and there is no way I could have dealt with him and his MLC stuff and the new job if we were together. I feel like I'm in a great space to have the time to invest in this new job, and to really accomplish some good things for me. I do know I'm going to be working very hard for the next 6 months.
Am lurking on all your pages even if I don't get a chance to post. I'm very grateful for your friendship and understanding.
HOORAY!! I'm so glad to hear you got the job!!! I am really glad you went for it! Congratulations on your SUCCESS!!
This might sound really weird, but sometimes I am grateful for the NC. I am not sure how I could be doing all this work on myself and dealing with the drama of the rollercoaster at the same time. I am glad you are putting this time to use for you. You will just be all the more stronger & growing for it!
I'm glad you found that quote helpful! Call me "librarian"!
yay! Well done! GOod for you! Its your Saturn Return you know.. 29. Its all about career, sounds like you capitalised on your SR and embraced the career thing...Saturn is all about hard lessons, knuckling down and working hard for returns later on, effort in now = rewards in spades later. This is definetly the path you should be on! I bet your H will be impressed when you get to speak to him?
Astal - Ali x ___________________ Me: 36 H: 34 LT: 9 years ILYBINILWY: 2 Nov 07 Own apartment: 26 Jan 08
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I am so happy you got the job. A new, interesting job can be very refreshing. Good for you. It's amazing what you said that you probably wouldn't have gone for the job if you were with your H. Lord woks in mysterious ways...
Thanks everyone for the support about the new job. I havent posted much lately because nothing is happening in my situation.... no word from H, sometimes I miss him, sometimes not at all. Sometimes I would like our marriage to reconcile, sometimes I'd rather meet someone new. But to be honest I'm really not thinking about it.
So apart from that I have been working - and loving the new responsibilities and how occupied work is keeping me. So many new challenges. I was never really focused on my career - but I'm seizing the opportunity now that its fallen in my lap.
Started my belly dancing class this week. And have the sore stomach muscles and hips to prove it! It was so much fun!
I've also started going to a church and I'm trying to connect in with single girls my age to make some close friends (I moved countries 2 years ago, and it takes a while to build close friends). So I feel like I'm achieving my goals of having fun and meeting new people.
The real difference that I'm noticing is that I've become more interested in housework and cooking. Honestly for about 5 months I had done no housework (my mum was a bit shocked and came and did some over Xmas!) - I just was too interested in doing fun things and not wanting to be home and reminded of H. But since I've packed up all his personal stuff, I actually want to keep the house looking nice for me. I'm working towards cooking healthy meals for myself too - it has seemed too hard and too much of an effort. (I'm only thinking about it, still not really putting it into action!! Ha ha!)
So that's me.... no juicy gossip of H (but also no pain and tension).
Sounds like you are doing great. How do you get him out of your mind? I sometimes have the same feeling like I want her in my life and sometime I don't. How do you deal with that?
(Joking of course- 2 ears, 1 mouth= listen twice as much as speaking!!)
