Worried I found DB too late

[cw68]

So I can't sleep and thought I'd use this site for a journal.

I'm so frustrated, a horrible day. Started with the conversation with my husband, which I thought was a good thing to do because I wasn't trying to pull information out. Yet I still think he ended up on the defensive. But really, the day was horrible because of the kids. My D6 told my neighbor, "My dad doesn't get to spend that much time with us because my mom has to be with us. My mom makes my dad unhappy." Then when my S5 was complaining, yet again, about dinner -- which he never used to do -- I jokingly said, "What, are you just unhappy all the time? Geez, lighten up." and he responded, "I'm happy when both my mom and dad are together." THEN my husband called to say goodnight and that just set my daughter off on a crying jag. She was saying that it's hard for me, but that it's harder for the kids and she just doesn't understand why dad doesn't love me like he loves her, why adults just can't decide to love each other and stay together. Then she says that this is so hard on me and what I should do is just tell dad that what he's doing is mean, that I shouldn't let him do this.

Also can't stop thinking about a not-so-subtle reminder that my MIL takes our separation as permanent and fact. Just days after our separation, I received a cookbook from her filled with family recipes and stories, the note said it was for me and the kids. When I shared it with my husband he said, "Yeah, I know about it. She sent me one too." So she sent him mail at the apartment for just him and sent stuff for me and the kids here. I don't know why I can't stop thinking about that right now, but it's just running and running through my mind.

Another thing I can't stop thinking about is the v-day card he gave me. In it he said he loved and respected me and feels I'm a wonderful person. Then WTH else do I need to be? What else does he need? If he feels that way and still can't find it in him to spend any time alone with me, then we're doomed. It's like he just wants to put on a show for the kids and who cares about me.

This whole thing is just so not fair. After our talk, I told him I was going to transfer some money from savings to consult with a lawyer. I thought it would be better for him to hear it from me and not just see it on the bank statement. Then in an email, he said that he didn't understand why when we get to this point (when he tells me he doesn't want to work on us and/or that he doesn't want to be married to me) that I feel I need to consult with an attorney, asked if I was trying to scare him or something. Then he proceeded to basically lay out what he thinks the terms of our divorce should be, including that he would contest any desire on my part to move back to Chicago. I've told him that if we divorce, I want to move back to my family since we have NO family out here.

I responded that, no, I wasn't trying to scare him, that he felt he needed to move out and leave his wife and kids, I felt that I needed to consult an attorney to cover my butt. This whole thing is just so unfair. He's going to get a divorce, get his freedom, get my kids half the time and I'm going to be stuck by myself in expensive California with a seven-year employment gap, preexisting conditions that prevent me from getting insurance on my own, and no job skills that will support me in a neighborhood where I can't afford the home. There's so much more, I just feel that I've written enough for now.

Now it's 4am and I've barely slept, my head kills and I'm drowning in my misery. I hate this!