I look at my M life for the past 2 yrs and i see it was comprised of one level of deception after the other, I'm on another level of the proverbial heck righ now. I had already made peace w/the fact that H would do whatever he wanted to do and i was powerless to do anything and to let him be. Lo and behold a coworker calls me looking for him, turns out they can't get a hold of him, the guy is part of H's grad group (along w/the guy who is "renting" him a room". He tells me H took emergency leave (H told me that work was fine during the weekend) and that they dont' have a # for him, supposedly his phone is still lost but now I highly doubt it, it's been over a week, no way he's without a phone this long. I ask if they have contacted Xxx (guy who "rented a room") and the coworker says yeas, Xx doens' know where H is. Well, that means he isn't living /w him, that the $ is prob going elsewhere (H never took any furniture saying his coworker had a sofa bed/dresser and was using 1 bowl). I already decided that if he goes back to ow and is living w/her then it'd be on him, that I'd let him go. But I will have to hold him accountable for the $ he took, I even borrowed from my sister for the so called rent money. There is a small snowball chance in hell he has a good explanation why his room mate hasnt' heard from him (they didnt' say how long they've been looking for him) but, SIGH who knows what's true anymore.
We met today for donuts w/the kids, it took me longer to drive there than for him to mingle w/kids, it must've been 15min tops, he hasnt' talked to kids since Wednesday, but he left immediatly. I know I can survive, my heart aches for my kids, he is loosing himself and doesn't realize he's also dragging the kids down with him, they will always look up to him as their father.
The Lord is holding me up, dont' know what I'll tomorrow but I pray for wisdom, I pray for God to keep sustaining me and I firmly belive he wont' let me faint and will strenghted me, apparently my trials are nowhere near calming down.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
cat - my heart goes out to you as well as my prayers. it is such a hard hard time you are going through right now.
when you said that the bricks keep falling, i had another image - it's like when a sculptor is creating, so much stone needs to be taken away to reveal what would be a masterpiece.
i wish, there would be a way for you to surround yourself with love and care, love for yourself, care for yourself. and, you know, if you are ok the kids will be ok.
((((((cat))))))
me, h - 40+ m-20+ s, d, ss - 20+ s, ow, pa since 04.2007 h back and forth 01.2008 - 05.2008 h decided to be w/ow 05.13.2008 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1415899&page=1&fpart=1
cat, i've just caught up with you again and don't have time to reply well. i'm so sorry for all of this but For the love of all that is holy, DO NOT give this man one more dime of your money. ZERO. I'm not even living your life, but off the top of my head isn't this the 3rd time, at least, he's lied about needing $ for something and it not going where it should have?
must run {{{cat}}}
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
hey guys, thanks for your words. I will never agree to him taking cash just like that anymore, it's either a check for the intended purpose or I'll go with him to make whatever purchased is needed. He says he told his room mate not to tell anyone he's been living there and that he had taken 2 days off 'cause he wasn't feeling well (and that it wasn't any of my business). His mom says he told he found his phone 3 days ago but he still says he hasn't and has no idea why she'd say such a thing, told coworker who called last night over the phone that he still doesnt' have a phone.
ANYWAYS, indeed, I told him it was none of my business where he stayed and what he did, that I had no wish of knowing and that he was free to make his own decisions, but that if it had to do with money I was contributing to that I needed to make sure it went where it was intended. He's very arrogant right now, raised his voice a few times, and I want nothing from him right now, I'll leave him to his craziness.
So that's the drama of the weekend, the bottom line is my kids had a good weekend, we have all our needs covered and we'll be fine thank God.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
It sounds like you're doing OK, Cat (at least you were when you wrote this!) A good thing, because it's early days yet. H is still in crisis (MLC). Still crazy. It will be awhile before he comes out of it, so it's good that you are learning to pace yourself. It's a marathon, not a sprint. And you are going to learn so much about yourself! So many good things about your character and your competence that you didn't know before.
About this latest twist in the story -- Cat, for me it's all about perception, it's all how you frame the story, that's how you keep up your strength for the long haul. The use of metaphor to explain your situation to yourself. Sometimes I like to use the metaphor of H being like a beloved dog who has come down with rabies. This may not be a perfect metaphor, I don't know if dogs recover from rabies with treatment or not, so maybe a better metaphor would be a dog who is subject to epileptic fits. But in any case, even though you love and care for your dog, and you know damn well he is devoted to you, you are not going to get close enough for him to be able to bite you while he's having symptoms. It's the same with H. Don't allow him to wound you with his craziness, don't set yourself up for that. You're doing everything just right. It's possible you might have to look at a financial separation as well as a physical separation before this is over, to protect yourself and your kids, to preserve the financial assets of the marriage. MLCers are notorious for being financially irresponsible. The craziness that H is suffering from is not peculiar to him.
for the past weeks I've been doing just that, setting myself up for disappointment each time I expected him to act normal or do things the way I thing they ought to. He actually called later this am and apologized for raising his voice (gasp! he hasn't done that in ...wow, dont' remember!) and we talked a bit. I think this friend thing is the right way to go, and it didnt' hurt that I didn't jump up and accused him as soon as he stepped into the door, I asked questions and watched my tone/speed of my voice, it would've been easy to start getting defensive the way he was talking to me, but in the end he actually realized he was wrong by yelling and said sorry.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Cat, Expect nothing from him. He is off his rocker right now. He can come back from this craziness, but for now you need to stay away. He is spinning out of control. Stay away from his cyclone.
He is lying to everyone around him. He is probably lying to himself. All you can do is let him spin. When he really hits bottom, he can start to work his way up. And even then, there will be backslides.
Your H is up to no good right now. I don't think he knows how to handle himself. Let him go emotionally.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
Gosh Cat. I keep hoping he's hit bottom and is ready to wake up and change. I know that's where your hopes and expectations come from too--you have such a big heart. You're doing the best you can, just keep at it and kick all those expectations to the curb.
Didn't know till I went through this whole thing how far down the bottom could be. Be a friend and stay clear of his craziness. Be there with the hand up, but don't get sucked in.
Like I always said, Cat, you're a quick study! This is 'detachment' played in a minor key. You were detached enough from your emotional response that you were able to watch your own performance when you talked with H. Gold star. Go to the head of the class.
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but in the end he actually realized he was wrong by yelling and said sorry.
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"he actually realized" is a projection on your part. You don't know what he is thinking (get over that, longtime wife!)
I think what happened is that he had no choice but to apologize. You didn't put up anything for him to fight against or to attack. Cat, you elicited this behavior in him with your own behavior. You gave him a lead. Keep it up. An accumulation of little interactions like this is your renewed relationship with H, and an anchor for him, as well as a strong rope which he can use to pull himself up from the bottom. (mixed metaphors are OK, whatever gets the job done)
