How do you talk to the in-laws?

[fooled again]

I'm not sure if anyone has seen a thread on this subject, either current or archived, and if so, please let me know so I can read up.

My H is in MLC. I'm not quite sure what stage he is in (if you follow the Six Stages of MLC) - maybe withdrawal, or the tail end of replay (God I hope). It started about 3 years ago though I only figured it out in the past couple of months.

I won't go into the all of the details of H's MLC, but it's pretty textbook (see my signature below) - turned 40, lost someone close, job dissatisfaction, got a tattoo, PA (which I think/hope is over), spent his way into major debt, moved out, new life, fired from job, lost friends, disconnected from everything that used to be important to him. The full meal deal.

H appears to be in the process of reconnecting w/ D and w/ me, though he is definitely cycling still, reconnecting then moving away, then reconnecting, and so on, and so on. But he is not reconnecting w/ his parents & siblings - he had always been very close to them his entire life until MLC.

My in-laws are beside themselves with worry. H is out of work, has been for about 9 mos (he was fired), he is not returning their calls, emails, etc. Tonight I finally spoke to my FIL (after about 6 weeks of not being in touch). He is ready to jump on a plane and shake some sense into H.

I did everything I could to NOT mention MLC. I said H is lost, he has to figure this out for himself. I said this is not about them or about me or about anyone else - this is about H and no one can help him figure this out. I said they can't take it personally, that they just have to give him some time to do this.

It didn't work. He poured out about ten gallons of guilt on me about how this is affecting them and how could he do this, cut them off, not call, his mother is sick w/ worry, can't sleep, heart condition (all of this is very true, I have no doubt). What man does this to his family. But I couldn't bring myself to tell him that I think H is in MLC. I don't think FIL would have understood and I certainly did not want it to get back to H that I even mentioned MLC to FIL. I mentioned that H has been looking for work and is close. I mentioned that I see H regularly and he spends lots of time w/ D. I said he was okay physically, but what is going on in his head is something that only he can fix.

I think it was the right thing to do. I'm just worried that eventually FIL WILL get on that plane, and all hell will break loose. I don't know if H is ready to be confronted by FIL (then again, I don't know if this was just FIL blowing off steam b/c he can't talk to H about it).

Or maybe I need to just step back and let whatever happens b/w H and FIL happen. I certainly don't need the added pressure of having to play referee here. And maybe having FIL come all the way out here and telling H exactly what he thinks of what is going on will be the thing that shakes H out of it. Somehow in my heart I doubt it. Somehow I believe that H is processing a lifetime of trauma, guilt, pain, loss, disappointment - all of which I have seen with my own eyes and stood beside him while he lived through. I know the life H has had and maybe this is what makes me realize where the MLC comes from.

Has anyone out there had to deal w/ in-laws in MLC? I love my in-laws; they are very much like second parents to me. I know they are worried about me too, but they are mad as h*ll at H and very, very hurt. I also know now that I would have a very hard time convincing them to detach (h*ll I can barely convince myself), to let go, to let him do this on his own, sink to the bottom if need be before he can find his way up.

Help! I would appreciate any thoughts, ideas, suggestions on helping in-laws understand w/out using the words MLC.

FA