H and I mostly talked about his schedule, and it looks like he's going to be working nearly nonstop for the next two weeks. Doesn't give him much time for the boys. He said he'd like to maybe stop by and see them for an hour or two every now and then during the week. I agreed and said that would be fine, although I won't expect it to happen. H has often talked about visits during the week, but they have rarely taken place. Hope he proves me wrong though.
H seemed to be all over the place. At one time, he asked me, "What would you think about if we rented this place out and I bought us a bigger house?" I answered, "That's something we could definitely discuss. I think that would be really nice." (Discussed when and if the time is appropriate, naturally.)
Then at another time, he started going into the "what if's?" again. Sorry, but I'm getting very sick of the "what if's". What if this doesn't work? What if that doesn't happen? What if? What if? What if?????!!!!!!!!
I looked at H and said, "What if you moved in and everything was going to be just fine? What if you and I made the choice and the effort to make it work and we were both happy?" H said, "Yeah. That could happen, too."
I have plans coming up in a few weeks to go to a Ladies' Poker Night, and H was asking a few questions about it. Where was it going to be, who was going, how much was it to play. I told him we would be playing tournament style, and the buy-in would most likely be 10 or 20 bucks. H scoffed, "That's it? Why not make it 50? 50 would be worth it." I replied, "Sorry, I don't have $50 to play around with. I'm not allowed."
Well.... That quickly p*ssed him off. H said, "See, that's the kind of sh*t that's gonna keep me from coming back!" Loud enough for one of our older boys to look over at his dad. I whispered, "He didn't need to hear that." H said neither did he and mentioned how he hasn't been giving me a hard time about finances for a while now. Then he stormed out.
I put the boys to bed then called H's cellphone about 20 minutes after he left, but he didn't answer. Kind of thought he wouldn't. I left him a voicemail saying, "I would've rather talked to you, but I understand if you don't wish to talk to me right now. I wanted to say that I'm sorry if what I said was hurtful to you. It was not my intention. Whenever I spend money, whether it's on shoes for the kids, household necessities, a tube of lip gloss, or even to buy groceries, I can't help but feel guilty about it. Things have been done and said over the years to make me feel this way, and it is going to take me some time to realize that I shouldn't feel like that. Again, I am sorry if I hurt you. I didn't mean to. Bye."
Thought aloud, and that's what I got! Ugh.
Phone's ringing now.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Sorry, but I'm getting very sick of the "what if's". What if this doesn't work? What if that doesn't happen? What if? What if? What if?????!!!!!!!!
That quickly p*ssed him off. H said, "See, that's the kind of sh*t that's gonna keep me from coming back!" Loud enough for one of our older boys to look over at his dad. I whispered, "He didn't need to hear that." H said neither did he and mentioned how he hasn't been giving me a hard time about finances for a while now. Then he stormed out.
Thought aloud, and that's what I got! Ugh.
