Back on the Roller Coaster - OW still around

[fooled again]

Mike,

Are you posting at all on your own thread? No matter, I appreciate your input here and you are helping me see things that I have been overlooking. It's so easy to concentrate on the negatives - and I always saw myself as an optimist. Lol.

It really does seem like my H is reconnecting, but sometimes I get frustrated b/c I want to ask him what is going on in his head, I want to have that big R talk and sometimes I feel like I'm going to BURST holding it back.

Yesterday, just as I was finishing my post, H and D came to pick me up to go to the beach. We took the dog and had a really fun day - dog was swimming, sun was shining, D was happy that we were all together. I think I laughed more than I had in months. On the drive home, H told me he had volunteered for a ski race this week, Wed/Thurs/Fri, which would mean he couldn't take D on his usual nights as he would be out of town. I was disappointed (a) b/c he would be away again, near where OW has a condo and (b) I would not be able to go out w/ my friends on Fri night. I was quiet for awhile and H asked me what was wrong - it was a good time to talk since D had her headphones on. I asked when we would get back on our schedule b/c I had plans for Fri night. He suggested I call our babysitter. I was pissed b/c I felt like he was assuming that I had no plans and he was still doing whatever he wanted w/o considering me.

I guess I had been hoping he was out of replay. Maybe the A is over, hopefully, as he said it was about a month ago when I last mentioned it to him. But oooohhhh, I wanted to ask him about R, about how he is feeling about us, about what is going on in his head, all those non-DB questions. I had to bite my tongue and put on my sunglasses and took them off about 5 times so he couldn't see my eyes. I said nothing at all. Finally I made some chit chat. When he dropped me off he asked if I would come w/ D to watch his game that evening. I said I don't want him to feel obligated to ask me to come - I can keep myself busy. I'm not sure if he actually wanted ME there, or if he wanted me there to watch D while he played (D was staying at his place last night). Then he called to ask me to bring my camera to take some pictures of him playing, but I didn't answer his call or text (I was in the shower but I didn't tell him that). I did bring my camera.

Now the significant thing here is that when we were in our late 20's & early 30's, I used to go to nearly every one of his games, hung out w/ him & the rest of the guys afterward - I was his biggest fan. Then when I had D, that stopped. When I finally was able to/interested in watching him play again (which I now know was during the A and MLC replay stage), he told me he didn't want me to come to his games b/c I was bad luck (he had gotten hurt a couple of times while I was watching a few years back) - that really hurt. BUT, in the last few weeks, he has allowed/asked me to watch him play twice, both times w/ D there too. Not sure what's going on there. I do know for sure that at least one (probably two) of his teammates has met OW, and one of them, who used to be his very good friend, now no longer speaks to H (except for during the games) partly b/c of his A (this ex-friend really liked me and I guess was really mad that H did that to me). He even came out to say hi to me when H was still changing and said to call him anytime I felt like talking. I don't think he was hitting on me, just being nice. We had all three of us had some really good times many years ago.

I was thinking last night about how it must look to those guys on his team, me being there, when a few of them know he had an A (but probably not all of them). I was trying to figure out if I felt degraded. I held my head high during the whole game, laughed w/ D, took some pics, cheered when they scored and looked like I was having a good time - I was! I also tried my best to look amazing & sexy, but in a wholesome sporty way. After the game, H took D back to his place. Then he text me to tell me that "3 of the guys wanted the hot milf's number". I asked what he told them. He text back that he said I was "as good as I looked in every way". I replied that I didn't believe he said that. Later I called to say goodnight, I asked if he did say that - he said no, he didn't say anything at all, just listened (I believe that). I asked how it made him feel - he said good. It was good to know that other people think I'm as beautiful as he does, and that he knows sometimes I don't believe that myself. We said goodnight & he said ILY, so I said it back.

Reading this, it looks so much like H is trying to reconnect, and I guess I have to admit that I think so too. The supremely frustrating thing is that these reconnections come interspersed with periods of withdrawal, and the withdrawal is the part that leaves me full of doubt if I'm doing the right things or not. I keep thinking that the withdrawal is significant, but maybe it's the reconnection that is the more significant.

There were two times my H told me it was over, that he didn't love me anymore and he was going to start a new life: (1) when I first ever discovered his A and (2) when he moved out. Nearly the rest of the past 1.5 yrs he has told me he loves me, always has, can't imagine his life w/o me, is afraid of losing me, is afraid I will find someone else, and so on. You would think this is a good thing - I should think it is. But it makes me wonder if he knows these things in his heart, WTF is going on that he can't be w/ me? I guess this is the point where I sign off and pick up my Conway book (which FINALLY came in the mail today) and read more about MLC.

Wow, I just realized how much I have written and I still haven't said anything about the in-laws, which will soon become my next biggest challenge and I really need some advice from any and everyone who has anything to say on the subject. I think I will start a new thread, as I don't recall seeing anything about it in the MLC forum. I guess this will be my segue into the MLC forum, since I think the time will soon be here for me to move my thread - with fingers and toes crossed that the A is indeed over, or if not, is quietly dying a painful death in a dark corner all alone.

"I'm melting, melting. Ohh what a world. What a world. Who would have thought that some little girl like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness."

FA