Have been feeling sort of queasy for three days (despite the muffin making) so I decided to take it a little easy today. But, good things are still happening:
-Went to counseling and talked about my conversation with my friend, where I attempted to re-open our connection. My C told me that I avoid conflict and that I also bottle up my emotions. It is really funny to me because I talk to people about how i am feeling all the time, but I am realizing those are more my thoughts about how I am feeling than actually sharing my feeling. My C asked me, if I called B today, and told him completely uncensored how I was feeling, what would I say? It was surprisingly hard to do this. When I started bringing up a concept instead of a feeling, my C would stop me. It did open up some sadness inside, but I was surprised. I think I've told you guys that I've been afraid to let myself feel the sadness because then I would lose my resolve to continue. But when I felt this sadness this morning, it was just sadness. Nothing discouraging about it.
At the end of the session he said, No homework this week! And then he told me that I've been working too hard???? Not sure what that means.
-Skipped a class to rest and go on a bike ride b/c I felt queasy
-Had a great orchestra rehearsal, with so much energy, because I hadn't already been at school all day long. We are doing "la mer" and it is SO BEAUTIFUL!!! For some reason the music makes more sense to me than anything else we've ever done, even though it is pretty wild and tumultuous.
(despite the muffin making) so I decided to take it a little easy today. But, good things are still happening:
