The other thing I am upset about is that it has become apparent to me that my insecurities have caused me to behave in ways that the men I've dated have probably read as rejection. I'm such a nutcase that I thought men were propositioning me just to be nice and I was actually thinking that a man who is practically a robber baron might sexually reject me because I currently have a bad credit rating. Well, I hope you guys are fond of me 'cause clearly I need many more years of therapy and I can't afford the real thing (sigh).
Hmmm. It is interesting to me to see you outline where your insecurities lie... not so much different from my own... yet when I chose to 'self-soothe' I did it with alcohol. You seem to be doing it with men.
The varying responses you get from these men can send you into a tailspin... the varying responses I was getting from people who were picking up on how much I was drinking sent me into tailspins... because I, as an otherwise intelligent woman, felt a great deal of shame in the fact that I was having a hard time holding it together, and using drink to self-sooth. Then I would completely abstain. Go the other way... but in any event... I was operating in extremes. I can STILL do this.
Some people have lots of sex. Other people spend way too much money. Some people get excessively depressed... but in any event, no matter what your 'poison,' it seems to be a binge/purge type of behavior... LFL referred to it as manic... I refer to it as bouncing...
And I think, no matter what your FOO... this tends to be a... uh... typical reaction to major upheaval in someone's life. Long way of saying... honey... you are STRESSED. Stress is nothing to screw around with... especially high levels of stress, experienced over long periods (you qualify).
I'm not so sure you need excessive therapy as you do a rigid and sure fire plan to get yourself into some realm of normalcy. I personally think you'd benefit tremendously by reading that book on the 7 stages of grieving (you know... on death and dying...).
You have experienced a death-like experience, Mo. Nothing short of it. You WILL go through each stage... it helps if you know what you face, so you can figure out what to do, or who to contact when you feel yourself getting stuck.
But no matter how nutty you feel, or how 'insane or erratic' you think your posts might be coming across... keep posting. You can go back and see yourself, your behaviors, your patterns... for YOURSELF... people, knowing you... can bring attention to certain behaviors... people here... care about you... and if you can't help yourself... are willing to help. You just have to be honest enough... brave(?) enough... to kinda... crash in public. You kinda let everyone know what's going on in a time when you don't necessarily trust yourself all that much. A safeguard against yourself, if you will.
It can be really embarrassing... but... it somehow keeps you in the game.
