Meredith - your 5 years..

[cagzmom]

Weird thign. I too have been stuck in the rut of "I was so happy..." well that was then and this is now and I tell you what the NOW of living back then is not such a happy place.

One thing is happening. I think I am going through another stage of grieving. Man this sucks! A girlfriend of mine told me she has watched me and watched the onion peel. And as it has been time for another layer---- strip it goes (NOT THE CLOTHES PEOPLE!!) This stripping has been different. Saddness...not like the deep weepings or the curling up in fetal postion..just sad. Letting go...and I tell you what my heart is holding on for "Dear Life.." but it doesn't realize that in holding on I feel the death trap.

I think going dark - real real real dark is key for me. And this is funny. For such a long time (ok so a week can be a long time in this journey) but for awhile not calling,texting or emailng H was not hard. BUT NOW ---Now that I have made A CONSIOUS descion....oh yeah it has been REALLY HARD. looking for emails - hoping he will call etc etc and WANTING to touch base with him. I KNOW what it is I RECOGNIZE it. IT IS ME reaching again ---- and I AM NOT DOING it this time. It doesn't serve me well at all.

My mom gave me a good thing a little while back. I was telling her about the thoughts that "loom" you know them. "I will never love again.", "I only want to be with H" "I love H- why doesn't he come home.." You know them....What she said was so good. WE HAVE TO FIGHT THE BATTLE in OUR MIND....so what have I begun to do??? I LITERALLY SAY aloud (if possible) THOUGHT you have not served me well...I will say it over and over till it is gone.. It works. OF COURSE I have to fight again and again but I can tell you that since starting this it has helped.

Soooo "THOUGHT OF I only new happiness with H - you aren't serving me well you need to leave!"