I am going to let D9 ask me questions. I will let her know that she can ask when she is ready and I will answer her truthfully.
BND, I would dearly love to go to ow's house and smack the crap out of her. And STBX for that matter. I assume that she is the conductor of the Crazy Train but he is a willing rider at the very least.
Liss, yes I do feel better about myself after seeing a tiny glimpse of the ow's behaivor. I would NEVER conduct myself like that and I have NO desire to be like her, I don't care how pretty or successful she is.
W2S, I do feel that ow views me as the defeated enemy and has absolutely NO respect or regard for me. I really don't care what she thinks of me. I am concerned with what she says to my kids about me, it really pisses me off. I do need to figure out how to deal with her and right now I have NO idea how to do that.
I tried to call the kids again tonight to say goodnight, went to VM and told STBX that I would be on my cell please have the kids call. Nothing from them at all. I really hate having no contact with my girls. I do worry that whatever they told D9 she doesn't want to talk to me or call me back. I can't wait until they are home tomorrow and I can hug them again.
OMG. This OW is so Springer-trashy it makes Springer look like Oprah.
This is amazingly unbelievable. And YOU felt insecure, less-than, inadequate compared to this women who has the security and ego of a gnat? That she has to lie to a child, and give a grown man speaking points when he is talking about HIS life with a woman he has known for nearly 2 decades. That she has to assert that this involves her, too.....when she is clearly told from all sides that she is not wanted.
What kind of a person does that? Insists that this is your issue, that you will be a good mother to kids that hate you, that the ex-W, who is nothing but sweet, is self-centered?
I swear, this woman is so tightly wound, it scares me. It doesn't seem like it would take much to make her come apart. Not to mention that she has no issue letting her own children see her bed a married man in their own home.
She's scum. Forget comparing her to you, she's just plain scum. I would be horrified to even be in the same room as a woman such as her. She is the woman I cringe at that makes us all look like trashy, stupid, vapid, insecure, dim-wits. I fear for her kids, and all the men she has brought into their lives and how little she apparently cares for them. Do you not think they hear all that she says in the background? She's so controlling b/c she is so immature.
Trust that your kids love you, they trust you. They told you that. They live with you and see your every move each day. You shine your values and life through your actions. You don't run your life like a loud-mouthed, ill-mannered, crazy, over-controlling, tramp. You had a horrible conversation, and still went out, had fun, because you have nothing to hide, you are not insecure, you are amazing. You don't need to talk from the background, manipulate facts and assert yourself in meaningless ways. That is not the woman you are.
You tell your kids the truth as they can handle it. You show them what a strong woman is. That a strong woman holds true to her values, paves a healthy path for her kids, and does what she needs for the family. A strong woman has nothing to hide, gets a job, is a great mom, friend, daughter, woman. A strong woman finds all this within herself, and shines it daily through her actions.
I am proud to know you. If nothing else, these awful interactions with the ow should prove to you how worthless she really is, and how worthless she feels inside. I have no pity for that.
Talkin about Springer ... I can just hear her kids telling your kids "my mom can whip your mom, I've seen her do to others before!!!"
Of course they hear what she says. They hear her trash when your kids aren't around. That OW probably puts a lot of energy into keeping your STBH in line, lest he start thinking of trying to get out. Imagine the first time he makes the mistake of trying to tell her you are not such a bad person. Danger. Threat to her world. Attack.
Poor man. Poor poor weak little man. Trying to show how he can control everything, while she sits behind him listening to the call and telling him how high to jump. Poor poor little man.
He will so live to regret all this. He will have to deal with her accusations that he spends too much on his kids, not enough on hers ... his kids don't respect her ... he doesn't show her kids enough love ... time for Springer to go to commercial.
Shades, the one thing you need to realize is, this OW, according to your STBX, is going to "be great" in every way. Why would he say this? Does he really mean this? No matter what this person is in reality, he is going to build it up so much more. Why, you might ask, because he CANNOT BE WRONG!!! NO WAY, NO HOW!! No matter what it costs, to him, you, the kids, the Middle East, it will not matter! He must prove to everyone, but mostly himself, that what he did was right, you were the bad one, you didn't starch the shirts, B.S. B.S. B.S. This is why they have said what they did to your D. He has to justify his actions, again, what they don't realize is, first, no one believes them, and second, no one gives a rat's ass! Sad thing is, these people will live in utter misery, denying they ever did wrong, and putting up with crap to give the illusion that what they did was so right. This stich reminds me so much of a lady that I work with, she left her H, got a D, and met the most awesome guy ever! LOL They reality of the situation is, this guy is a total dweeb, everyone knows it, she and he fight so much that she is on medication for nerves and lack of sleep. She is in utter misery, but continues down this path, because in her words "I hate to admit that I am wrong" I told her she was a complete and total dumbass for living like that just to "prove" she wasn't wrong! She and I are good friends so I lay it on the line! Point is, under all that glitter and gold, I'll bet its so rusty one kick would cave it all in.
I was kinda worried if he was going to send them home or not since he wouldn't answer his phone so I could talk to them. I called once a day and TM once a day. Finally today I called 3 times and finally sent a TM asking where the kids were. He finally sent a text back saying they were at the airport. Thank God.
They had so much fun. I really am glad they did but it is like a great big party every time they see him now. At least he did do things with them. Things I always asked him to do with us and he wouldn't. Grrr.
I did sit down with D9 and told her she could ask me questions and that I would answer them honestly. She said she was mad at me because I lied to her. STBX told her that he and I came to a joint decision to D. And that we fought all the time and ow told her that I caused a lot of the fights. (nice) I told her that simply wasn't true. That the decision to D was solely her dad's, that I wanted to work on fixing our M and had stayed in NJ for a year waiting for him to change his mind, and he didn't/hasn't. I told her that we didn't fight very much, heck he would have to have been home to fight and he was never there until after everyone was asleep. She started crying and said she didn't know which one of us to believe or who's side to be on. I told her that she doesn't EVER need to choose sides, that we both love her and she loves both of us and that is all she needs to do. Nobody wants her to choose a side.
I told her that I heard ow tell her that I left her dad too. And that is not true. I did tell her that I don't know what STBX has told ow so perhaps she believes this all but that no, it is not true.
Then I asked her if I ever said anything to make her think her dad is a jerk. She said that me telling her that her dad left us did. I told her that I said her dad doesn't want to be M to ME that it had nothing to do with them. She said but he left us too. I told her that didn't mean that he doesn't love them.
I asked her if she told her dad that I talk bad about him, she said she couldn't remember. Later she said she did and that she told him I said mean things about him. I have to say I did get upset with her about this. I explained to her that when she does this it makes the R btwn STBX and me very difficult and that wouldn't it be nice if we could talk and be nice to each other? I also told her that she needs to straighten this out with her dad that I'm not going to allow her to let him think that he is being bad-mouthed here. She said she thought that to get a D the parents had to hate each other and that was just what happened. I explained that it doesn't have to be that way and that it would be nice to at least get along at birthday parties and special occassions. She was crying and saying she is really sorry and that she didn't mean to. But she refused to call him, she sent him an email. Then she siad she doesn't remember if she said these things or not that she has short-term memory loss. She was so upset. I told her that I still love her to death even if she did say this stuff but that it is completely unacceptable to do so.
I asked D5 if I have ever said anything bad about her dad. She said no, you only say he loves us and misses us. At least one of them knows.
Okay how Spingeresque is this????
D9 was in the kitchen with me getting lunch bags ready for school tomorrow.
She non-challantly asks "mom, what's a playmate?"
Um, excuse me?
What's a playmate?
Where did you hear that term?
Ow's D13 says that when she grows up she wants to be a Playmate. She has a mirror in her room that says Playmate on it and it has a little bunny in the corner. Dad has some cards that have girls in bunny outfits on them (and the girls have something else but I honestly can't remember my mind was spinning) D13 says that a Playmate is a model and they make lots of money and you get a free house in LA.
Well, a Playmate is a kind of model that poses without her clothes on for pictures in a magazine.
Ewwwww gross.
(Thank God!!)
That's all I've got today. I do feel bad for getting mad at D9 but I can't let her stir the pot just for the sake of doing so. I told her it's not fair to me, STBX or anyone else.
One thing I have learned through all of this is that kids are so much smarter than we give them credit for. Try not to overcomplicate it with the kids. Reality is that they see right and wrong from your current actions more so than from any talk that you have with them.
Your STBX can talk all he wants, the ow can spew her bullshit as well, in the long run your children will know right from wrong. Truth from lies. Fact from fiction. They will know this from your actions, they will also know this when they get older and understand the dynamics of relationships better.
Try as hard as you can to not really focus on such matters and instead steer the conversation towards how you will take care of them in the future.
Your kids are very bright, they may at times have their vision skewed, but in the end they will see very clearly. Have some faith in that.
