Confusion of a WAW (Thread 7)

Hi Sandi - Thanks for your input!

Sweetie, I hate to sound so harsh, but I don't think you have used the LRT at all. You certainly haven't detached. I say that with softness in my voice (even if you can't hear it). How can you with a W like yours? You are so in love with her that you would jump through fire hoops to please her, but right now, I think that is impossible.

You're right - Did LRT at first back in September when I first started to read DR. There have been a lot of ups and downs since then that have made LRT difficult to maintain. I probably need to get back on that bandwagon, as it's just getting too insane right now.

There are some options to look at here about your W's emotional rollercoaster (besides being a WAW), she posssibly could be bi-polar and should be tested.......I doubt it would be wise for you to mention that to her except if it was perfect timing, but maybe a good friend or relative could. She possibly could be starting menopause at an early age......and if she is, it's probably doing a number on her, but again, not for you to be the one to mention it. She could be having severe pms. But, more than likely, it is her ups and downs with the OM. You said yourself that when she was hurt at him or had had a fight with him she ran to you. Very obvious to me what she is doing there. She wants her ego petted and she knows you will do it. I'm concerned that those times she is spending with you (several days in a row)is when she is trying to make the OM jealous or she is ticked at him for some unknown reason. Maybe OM is not dancing to her tune or something so she plays her little games.
She knows where to go to get the petting she needs to feel better.

While she does have a mood cycle, she most likely isn't bi-polar - She lacks the majority of the traits of mania. She is already on medication for depression, but I don't think it is particularly effective. Of course, medication can't fix a behavioral problem, but I'd expect it to do more than it does right now. Maybe she has a personality disorder; Maybe it is just WAW mode.

The cycle with OM is pretty consistent - She'll want nothing to do with me, and either spend time with him or just hide in her house. Whenever she gets mad at him, she'll do stuff with me to vent and process her emotions, and she'll spend a week or so hanging out with me and D all the time. She really doesn't have any friends who she can talk to or spend time with outside of work - No one she'd open up to anyway. Of course, last time "wasn't there for her" when she needed me, she blew up on me and was very angry...

WAW's are so messed up in their head's that they are on a rollercoaster anyway, but I know with myself......I had no desire what-so-ever to be anywhere around my H when I was going through all of that. So, I find it kind of strange that she is doing this hugging/kissing routine and then backing off, etc. However, maybe some W's do. The only thing I know is, that she is just so screwed up that she honestly doesn't know what she wants. One day it is you, the next day it's the OM, and the next day she doesn't have a clue.

If I had my way, I'd ship her off somewhere for a month for intensive therapy, where she didn't have to deal with myself or OM. When she is OM mode, she certainly has blinders on and can't see anything else going on in her life at all - She often makes social and financial mistakes when she is in that place, or just disregards everything completely. You probably have a better idea than me, but when OM is still in the picture, I can't imagine her mind is going to clear soon.

I don't know that the age difference has ever bothered her or not, but if it has, she probably needs to be reassured that she looks great, is hot, etc. It may not be a problem at all for her.....just a thought. I knew a couple where she was ten years older than him and she said the older they got the more pressure it was for her to keep looking as young as him.

She has problems with her age, mostly because she is turning 36 in a week, but we've never had a problem related to our age difference - Has never even come up in conversations before. Most people think she is a lot younger than she really is, but she is very concerned with her appearance all of a sudden - Her weight, her hair, all of that stuff.

Anyway, I hope you will re-read the chapter on LRT and detaching. I think you really need to do that, sweetie. I also think you are going to have to really detach before she is going to see what it is she really wants. Otherwise, she is going to continue to do the same thing she has all along.

I realize now I really need to back off and leave her alone for a while - I don't think spending time together is helping either of us, and she obviously has a very long way to go before she's really herself again.

So, I take it you're suggesting just letting her do her thing for a while and trying to avoid getting overly involved in anything that is going on with her?