MLC is CRAZY!!! What a Roller Coaster!!!

[2ndnoah]

I just want to cry.

[Going Solo]

(((((2ndnoah)))))

[tpaschal]

2ndNoah,

Sorry I haven't replied sooner. I've had a busy couple of days and not on the board very much.

My friend (who filed for divorce but did not have her H served until he filed) lives in Texas, same as me.

I wish I could answer your questions about why they do what they do. How they think it's okay, and even more than just "okay," they think it is their "right" to walk out their wife, kids, friends, family, financial responsibilities.....the list goes on and on.

Yes, my H is still with the OW. She is a controlling, manipulative, selfish 22 year old child who wears the mask of the sweet little woman who just wants to be there to save him from his horrible, terrible life and show him how happy, happy, fun, fun life will be with her. Well, his life wasn't horrible and terrible until she came along to convince him it was.

The kids are having a very tough time. I had the two older ones in counseling for several months, as was I, but H has stopped giving us enough money to pay for it.

Yes, we are still in his dream house, though probably not for much longer. I have been a stay at home mom with no income for 14 years, and even if I do go back to teaching elem. school, I will not be able to afford this house. It sucks, because he LOVED this house and I went along with buying it because I knew how important it was to him even though I wasn't ready to move out of our old neighborhood. The two younger kids don't even remember living anywhere else, and now they're being uprooted from their home because of his selfishness. He has completely rewritten history to the point of him saying the only reason he wanted to buy this house was because it had a study where he could go to get away from me and be alone. How ridiculous!

His parents are still outraged by his behavior, but they blame me half the time because he's not back yet. (If I had only PROVED to him that I was making changes, he'd be back home already.) I know that their critical, controlling behavior, and their own marital problems and his dad's affairs are probably a huge part of why my H is handling his own mid-life crisis in the way that he is. The biggest difference with my in-laws was that my FIL never left his kids. (FIL is from a culture where having a fling on the side was expected, but family still came first.) They flip-flop back and forth on a regular basis on who they think is to blame at any particular moment. They say that their ultimate goal no matter what is for him to come back home and put his family back together, and they are a big help to me with the kids, and have very limited contact with my H, but I do need to be careful about depending on them too much.

I wish I knew the answers. I've been reading a thread started by cagzmom, where she is asking for advice and pointers from a poster named Meredith. I wish I knew how to put links in my post, but I don't. I recommend find that thread and reading all the great stuff in there.

What I'm struggling with right now, and it sounds like you may be, too, is completely detaching from H, from his relationship with the OW, and from any expectations of reconciliation. I don't think it means to give up hope, but it means we have to realize now that we are responsible for our own happiness.

I am not there yet, but I am trying hard.

{{hugs to 2ndNoah}}

[2ndnoah]

Thank You for these words. I too am not there yet. I am having a hard time detaching. I feel like this seperation and divorce is being shoved down my throat. I do not want this. I do not want to file but I think it may come and very, very soon not a choice but a necessity. Filing in my town gives me an advantage verses him filing in his town.

This weekend was very, very rough. Especially since he told me it was going to be his Valentine weekend. Rumor is he took her to the Daytona 500! Jerk!!! Thanks! Rip my heart out, Thank You!

I too am a teacher. 1st year teacher. I went back to school to complete my degree once my youngest was in Junior High. I certainly know about the little pay. It's great isn't!

We built our house. I am going to keep it, period!!! I do not care. It is my boys only place to ever live. It is in the country. My youngest son pole vaults and motocrosses. There is no way I am going to move him in town. Just make up your mind that H will have to figure something out for you to stay. It is not your fault he chose to walk out.

My H walked out and has never turned back. Funny thing is....no one including me knew he was going to. The DB book talks about those jerks that do just as my H has done....Walk out and never look back. I hope I am wrong. I know it is MLC plus a younger woman. I am thinking about hiring a PI. I would love to turn the tables and take control with sending photos to everyone of them. H denies OW and will to his grave unless I have pictures to prove him wrong.

Hang in there. Detach, Detach, Detach. If you learn how to, let me know.

[lad42]

Please teach me how to detach too!

I know the weekends are hard. Some days I just want to stay on the couch and cry. But, I gather my strength and do something, anything to get myself moving. I'm getting better than I used to be.

I wish I could afford to keep our home. We just built it not 2 years ago and there is no way that I can afford it. I love my neighbors and will hate to move from them. Another thing that ticks me off about H. But, I won't move until H makes me. He wants this D not me.

2nd - the PI might be a good idea. It could possibly help you get more alimony/child support. Ask your lawyer.

I personally would love to take out an ad out in the paper where they are shaking up, our home town and where his companies headquarters are and have a pic of the 2 of them and their names that they've been having an affair for 2 yrs and that he walked out on his wife and kids on Thanksgiving day. I would never do it but the thought makes the little devil on my shoulder smile.

[tpaschal]

Thank You for these words. I too am not there yet. I am having a hard time detaching. I feel like this seperation and divorce is being shoved down my throat. I do not want this.

Yes, I think most of us here feel the same way. When my H first dropped the bomb, I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, and lost 15 pounds in 3 weeks. (And I wasn't more than 5 pounds overweight to start with.) Some days I could hardly move. I have gotten better over the past year, but I still cry often.

This weekend was very, very rough. Especially since he told me it was going to be his Valentine weekend. Rumor is he took her to the Daytona 500! Jerk!!! Thanks! Rip my heart out, Thank You!

Don't focus on him and what he's doing with his OW. I know, easier said than done. In fact, in telling you that I'm making a huge hypocrite out of myself since I haven't been able to do that yet myself. But I know it HAS to be done. I'm working on it.

I too am a teacher. 1st year teacher. I went back to school to complete my degree once my youngest was in Junior High. I certainly know about the little pay. It's great isn't!

We built our house. I am going to keep it, period!!! I do not care. It is my boys only place to ever live. It is in the country. My youngest son pole vaults and motocrosses. There is no way I am going to move him in town. Just make up your mind that H will have to figure something out for you to stay. It is not your fault he chose to walk out.

Well, as much as I hate to lose my home, and even more hate to take the kids out of their place of security, I have to be realistic. It is a huge house, over 5,000 sq. feet, and it has been killing me this past year trying to keep it up on my own---especially with my menagerie of 3 kids, 2 dogs, 4 cats, a backyard swimming pool, and a humongous and elaborately landscaped yard. Even if H was somehow made to pay off the house loan (which will never, ever happen) I couldn't afford the yearly property taxes and regular upkeep and maintenance on my teacher's salary.

I think that is one thing a lot of single moms have to be very careful about---not becoming "house poor." If you can easily afford it, then yes, it usually makes sense to keep the kids in their home. But if trying to keep the house causes any financial stress or worry, I think that can end up being worse for your kids in the long run.

My H walked out and has never turned back. Funny thing is....no one including me knew he was going to. The DB book talks about those jerks that do just as my H has done....Walk out and never look back. I hope I am wrong. I know it is MLC plus a younger woman. I am thinking about hiring a PI. I would love to turn the tables and take control with sending photos to everyone of them. H denies OW and will to his grave unless I have pictures to prove him wrong.

No one had any clue that my H was thinking of leaving, either. It was a kick in the gut to me, to our kids, to his parents, my parents, all our friends, his co-workers, and on and on.

My H denied the OW, too, but I right away found emails between them that proved it. Hiring a PI is something you should discuss with your lawyer, as you may need them to be able to prove "fault" in case of a divorce, but you need to look at it as simply business. You are doing what you have to do to take care of your kids financially, and that's it. I know how you feel about wanting to prove it to everyone, but that would be a HUGE step backward if you are serious about DB'ing. Another poster on here just recently reminded me that right now, I am the enemy. Any attack on the OW will just give the H more of a reason to bond together with the OW against their common enemy---the wife. You have to let the OW sink her own ship, which she will in time. Let HER do the pushing, let HER do the demanding, let HER become the naggy, b****y one.

Hang in there. Detach, Detach, Detach. If you learn how to, let me know.

Believe me, I'm trying! Haven't figured it out yet, but I am getting closer.

[2ndnoah]

Life is really stinking!!!!

[lad42]

2nd:

I know it is but we have to be strong. I'm truly proud of the DBers out there that have been able to withstand the hateful words and actions of their H/W's. I hope that I can be as strong as them!

Today, I feel like a whipped kitten. I just want to crawl under the covers! But, I can't. I need to be there for my S's and so do you.

Love & Strenght

[2ndnoah]

I hate your 20th is today (tomorrow). Hang in there!

[2ndnoah]

H file for D 3/5/08. Crushed my heart. I am so lost! I just cannot believe it. Until you see it written on paper it just does not register and now, reality is hitting home.