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H keeps telling me that I don't really love him, that I just want to hang onto the M because I'm scared of being on my own.


I pulled this out because yesterday, when I was talking to my H about my obsessive need to get every point possible in every class I take (too bad there is no nerd icon like in yahoo...), he stopped me and asked, in all seriousness..."Is this why you are trying so hard to save this marriage? Do you just want to be perfect at everything?" So, my job here is to let go of the idea of perfection and be ok with 'above average.' ;\) (I couldn't bring myself to type the word "average.")

So, your job is to show your H that you are not afraid to be alone. This is NOT going to push him away in the way you think! I know you are thinking what most people here do, "If I act self sufficient he will think that I am fine and move on."

Wrong, wrong. WRONG!!!

If he thinks you are in a marriage just out of neediness, that will send him away lots quicker.

One of the things that is drawing my H back to me is my newfound independence. With that comes improved decision making, which I sucked at before. And guess what? That used to drive him crazy. Now I know what I want, I go after it, and I am much more interesting. Who knew?

I used to do that "but I WAS happy" thing, too. I was pissed because I was home for my first 2 kids, but then had to work while the 3rd is still at home. But, what choice do I have? I had to do it regardless, so how I chose to handle it was a very important thing. I could have kept saying, "S #3 isn't having the life his brothers did," all the while still having to work, or I could suck it up, go to work, and do everything I could to have time with him in another way. The second way didn't add more guilt to my H, and it didn't push him farther away.

Look, everyone here can talk about what SOB's their spouses are. The truth of the matter is, it is far more common that WAS's actually really do care about their kids than don't. They may not seem like it, as they left the house. And, maybe they stay away from the kids longer than you think you could. But, they have lots of factors at play, too. And guilt does strange things to a person.

I could have fallen into the victim trap and decided that my H couldn't possibly love his kids if this is what he was doing to them. I didn't. (Ok, maybe there were moments of that, but I snapped out of it quickly.) I did everything I could to keep those relationships going. I didn't punish him by celebrating holidays or birthdays without him (believe me, many people told me to let him feel what it would be like without us). I had him here for EVERYTHING, even if at times it made me really uncomfortable. I am not saying that you are doing any of these things, I am just trying to illustrate that yeah, things can be difficult, but you'll be a lot better off if you just suck it up and keep moving forward.

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Giving up my old dreams, giving up my old happiness, and trying something new.

Did you ever let yourself entertain the thought that your NEW happiness might even be your new, IMPROVED happiness????

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What if I'm not good at it anymore? What if I don't like it anymore?


What if you're great at it? What if you LOVE it???
See, you won't know either way until you try.

And, if you hate it, well, then you will know to keep moving on to something new. This is about you and your happiness.

Sweetie, I need to tell you this...
regardless of your marriage working or not working, some day your kids will be out of the house. You need to have things for YOU and you alone, or you will be running into this same issue then. And God help us, we cannot be on here trying to keep you off of the pool boy because he 'fulfills' you. ;\)