Getting stronger everyday!

[kissak]

Thanks Guys....Sometimes I have a hard time figuring out things with him.....he seems so pitiful most of the time. I almost feel sorry for him most times....although he brings it all on himself. I know living in a world of indecision just keeps him cycling. I hate it and i wish he could figure things out. I know he seems like a cold jerk to all of you, but he really isnt....

I just keep praying for him. But sometimes I do see the man all of you see. It is really been circling through my mind lately of the fact that being single really isnt so bad. I hope things will work out for us in the end....but I dont see that happening anytime soon....It is a scary thought sometimes though.

[SirPrizeMe]

Kissak, funny,
as I was reading your report of the midnight drunken phone call, I was thinking - what a great opportunity to be his friend. Then I read what others wrote, what a surprise!

Here you are accepting him for who he is, not reprimanding him, not accusing him, correcting him, judging him. I thought that was friendship. at the time he was hurting and you were there for him and I thought that was great.

At the same time, you recognized within yourself that "what goes around comes around". You felt the feeling, you recognized and acknowledged the hurt, but you owned it, controlled it, and did not let it control you.

I thought you did great, and I aspire to be able to be that strong if a similar situation ever presents itself to me.

A bunch of people have said "you've gone too far" and "that wouldn't fly with me" or whatever. I feel their hurt reading their posts. I know they don't want to see you get "walked on." They want to defend you. They are outraged on your behalf.

But they don't need to be outraged for you. you don't need defending. You are a strong adult, and you can handle it.

What you wrote about "I wish he could figure things out." i feel exactly that with my wife. I like what you said ;

It is really been circling through my mind lately of the fact that being single really isnt so bad.

Good for you! Good for you. Things will work out for you, one way or the other.

[kissak]

Thank You sirprizeme....thank you. I do feel like I am in control of my emotions....lately all I want to do is just roll my eyes at my H and at the things he says, but I care about him and I see him struggling. He actually asked me again about the therapist. Of course I told him that he could call and he just asked me "you cant do it for me?"....of course I was thinking he should do the work himself, but if it is the only way to get him to go, I will call and have the therapist call him. There is no pressure here from me for him to go. I did ask him if he was getting to the point he could see he needed help and he said yes. So, tomorrow, I will call for him and get things started. Today he is at home sick....I wonder if he had a hangover but I dont know. I do know he stayed Home last night and all day today. The OW was not around at all or ex OW I should say. Im praying her new man will sweep her off her feet.


AND when I said that being single isnt so bad....I meant that I dont care if I ever get married again....Relationships are full of problems and I would rather work on the problem I have than go and find a new one....and I think that being single is what would be best for me right now.

I did tell my kids that their dad had broke up with his GF....only because they were going on about not wanting him to marry her and stuff...so I told them they were no longer together.....then they wanted to know why he werent here....they see that he jumps back and forth and its sad.

Im praying for him hard tonight....I see him struggling so much and it hurts me, but really I feel stronger than ever. I feel like I have my head on straight and its a good place to be.

[kissak]

Hellooo??? Where is everybody?? All my friends have left me?? I am still here you know!! Guess they are all busy GAL!

Anyway...this morning I was called to jury duty....but we were all dismissed! So, Im good for a couple of years!! BIG relief.

H is off today....havent really heard from him...he sent me a text saying good morning earlier....dont know what is going on with him today. Last night he called me and wanted to ask me a question. He said I was the only one he could get a hold of to ask, and he werent trying to be mean or hurt me or anything....blah blah blah, he wanted to know If I knew if he and the OW were dating on the 15 of January...I told him how was I supposed to know. As far as I was concerned they were dating the whole month of January. I did want to know why and all he could say was he was just wondering about something. Im sure it is about her new "love" interest. She has been gone all weekend and even today she had taken off. See, my H and her were supposed to go off this previous weekend before she ended things with him. Now she is off with another man and I guess my H is hurt over it....I may only be assuming that, but he definitly has slacked off on the calling and texting me over the last few days.

He is still not over her at all. I can just see him pinning away over her still! AND HE wanted me to help him end things with HER!! AND now I guess that she ended things on her own...he is miffed! He sits around trying to figure out why she dumped him, when that is what he wanted her to do....

Oh my.

[a new 2moro]

DONT EGG HIM ON BY ASKING WHY! i DONT KNOW AND HANG UP

[Cinderellaman]

Hi Kissak !

Just checking in with you...I think An2m is right, whenever he calls you to talk about ow stuff just tell him you're not interested and have to go. Do not get sucked in !

I'm praying for you ! You sound stronger ! It all happens in God's time !

Take care,

[Bworl]

Kissak,

This is a tough tight rope for us to walk in these ridiculous circumstances our wandering spouses put us in.

On one hand we are advised to "keep smooth the path home." On the other hand we are told to set and enforce boundaries. One person tells us to be their friend and the other tells us to go dark. It can be very confusing to know what to do and what not to do, particularly when we tend to think that every little action on our part can be the straw that broke the camels back in the relationship.


I told my now ex-wife, way back when she left us, that I could and would not be her friend as long as she was involved with another man. Especially when we were still legally married. I could not be friends with someone who could so easily bring the ultimate hurt to me and our children.

Not being her friend did not mean that I could not be friendly towards her. As a general rule, I was friendly towards her as long as she was not being hateful towards me. When she was, either through words or actions, I simply refused to interact with her. No phone, no text, no email, nothing.

Now this part is just for me, maybe you don't feel this way. Friendly interaction with a WAS does NOT include having them blather on about problems with their adulterous partner. Period. I didn't want to know a damned thing about her other men, and I sure as heck did not want to hear how heartbroken she was over one of them doing the same thing to her that she did to me! What absolute arrogance and insensitivity.

This is NOT the first time your husband has treated you with such disrespect. I clearly recall him asking you to text message his adulterous partner to let her know that the two of you had not slept together. Huh!? I know you told him no, but the fact that he asked, the fact that he called you Valentines Day night to tell you what he told you? That is incredibly hurtful, rude, and insensitive towards you. I don't care if you wanted to be kind or not.


One final word. I don't know about your children and what kind of dynamic you all have going about your husband and his illicit affairs, but I can't imagine why you would feel the need to inform your children that Daddy has broken up with his adultery partner. Why in the world do they even have to made part of this mess, anymore than they already are? And yes, I know you said they were concerned about him and her, but so what? Tell them that this woman does not even get discussed in your house. Tell them to ask their father about his illicit sex partner the next time they are with him.


I'm sorry Kissak, I've been rather blunt with some of my words.


Your husband is incredibly rude to say and do these things to you. It is unthinkable to me to cheat on my wife and then ask for her advice on what to do when my adulterous relationship begins to fall apart. But then so much of what your husband has done is unthinkable to me.


I think it's time you shut THAT end of his interactions with you DOWN, for good.


Blessings,

Bill

[kissak]

Your Right on so many levels Bill. This is all so confusing. Go dark or be a friend. My H has never been mean to me or talked ugly to me really. Of course he has done a lot of insensitive things, but I dont think he intends to hurt me. He is definintly a man who only thinks about how he feels in that moment. He doesnt really think about consequences.

I have to say that when he called on Vday night, he was drunk. I dont care how big of a jerk thing it was for him to do, I was concerned for him. He had driven to the store after drinking. He could lose alot and even take a life. He has turned to alcohol when he is down and stressed this year and I wasnt about to hang up on him. He needed me right then and I wasnt going to give up on him. I know how much I can handle of him talking about the OW with me and when I am uncomfortable with things I will hang up or change conversation or just tell him.

The reason the kids were told about this is because HE has involved them everytime he goes back. Maybe I shouldnt have said anything to them, but shamefully they know more than they should about him and her. My children were the ones to tell me they were moving intogether. Why, because My H doesnt think about what the kids see and hear. But thats all they know...that their dad and OW arent dating each other right now, but that it doesnt mean he is coming home either.

Im not perfect and dont always say or do the right things, but my kids were still thinking they were going to move intogether and all that....so I did what I thought would be ok.

I just have to think back about my H's upbringing really....raised by a step mom that didnt really care about him...having a drunk for a mom who he only saw during the summers, and a dad who would beat his tail if he did wrong. And actually, so many have said that he was the good one out of his brothers and sisters...I guess he was just tired of living up to the "good" label that he has decided to make a change!!

I have to say that the reason he gave for wanting the OW to dump him was because if HE did the dumping, he would lose alot of friends and respect at the ems/fire! Like he hadnt already.

I really believe my H has developed a brain tumor from being around all the chemicals at his job! That is all I can say. He definitly was not this rude, insensitive man that I have made him seem like to you, before the bomb.

Im just trying to understand the pain of his heartbreak. I dont like it at all and of course he deserves all the pain he gets after treating me the same way...but at least I can understand his pain and hurt.

Im just rambling folks....sorry.

Im not taking up for his stupidity, I just want him to get some help.

[mishka422]

Kissak - You're letting him suck you in to too much of his drama. I know you love him and want him to be the man you fell in love with but that is NOT going to happen right now. He's in a deep dark place that your love can not penetrate.

He is being disrespectful to you every time he even begins to mention his OW. DON'T LET HIM SAY ANYTHING AT ALL ABOUT HER! If he needs to talk about her he can do that with a therapist or a male friend, not the woman he has tried to destroy!

I know he won't look at it that way, he didn't want to destroy anything, he just wanted to find happiness...blah blah blah. He will NEVER be happy until he figures out that happiness can not be found in other people, only within himself and through God. You can not bring him to that realization and I know that you know that in your head, but your heart will not give it up.

Kissak - I only say these things because I care about you and I see you spinning in circles as well because he does that to you. You have grown so much! Be very careful that you don't lose the person you are becoming - she's a strong, beautiful, caring person but is still extremely vulnerable. Take care of you first, kids second (yes, second!), leave your H to God.

My therapist told me something in my last session that I hadn't thought about. My H is a narcissictic, pathological liar. I have caught him in so many lies over the years that I didn't confront him about because they were not life changing or threatening in any way. His biggest lie though was his A with this crazy BI%@H and even when I found out about it I did not immediately confront him, I let him figure out that I knew. It was because I was raised to be a people pleaser. Don't rock the boat and just be nice no matter what someone is doing to hurt you. I sense you are the same way Kissak. Men like this seek out women who they can push around emotionally even though it doesn't seem like they are doing that. They don't do it intentionally, they do this by instinct. DON'T BE A PEOPLE PLEASER ANYMORE! BE A KISSAK PLEASER!!!!!

What specifically have you done to GAL? New activities? New interests? Revived an old interest? What? I'd be interested to hear.

[kissak]

It was because I was raised to be a people pleaser. Don't rock the boat and just be nice no matter what someone is doing to hurt you. I sense you are the same way Kissak. Men like this seek out women who they can push around emotionally even though it doesn't seem like they are doing that. They don't do it intentionally, they do this by instinct. DON'T BE A PEOPLE PLEASER ANYMORE! BE A KISSAK PLEASER!!!!!

Thanks Mishka....I needed to hear that. I am a people pleaser and I HATE conflict.....Time to be a kissak pleaser!!

What have I been doing to GAL....Working...going out with friends....took my kids to the movies yesterday....hosted a slumber party at my house on saturday night for my neices, they had a few friends stay the night, it was a blast. I felt like a kid again. Laughed so hard I peeeeeeed my pants!!! Yes, I am getting a life...much more than I had before. I dont think constantly about my H and his xOW as much as I use to. I dont get on here and stay as much as I use to either. So, Iknow I am getting stonger and yes I do get sucked back in little by little with my H. I should probably stand up and tell him that I dont want to talk about his problems with his adulterous affairs, but sometimes I am just too nice. But I think I have good control over it.

Im really doing ok. He is the one who is not doing ok. I have seen him go so down hill that it is scary. He has gotten in debt. Had to sell off some of his retirement, carpool to work, lost friends and respect of people, hurt his kids. I dont believe he has had a moment of peace in over a year. You would think some people would see that God is trying to tell them something....but you are right, I should leave this to God.