Retrouvaille Opinions?

[Lord Grenville]

Today is the one-year anniversary of my confronting my wife about her affair. She moved in with her brother and SIL, and then got her own apartment where she continues to live.

I was posting on the "Retrouvaille vs Counseling" - Piecing thread back in August/September 2006 when I was hoping my W would agree to Retrouvaille. She declined to attend the September Boston area Retro because she said she "did not think it would be a positive experience for her".

In the 5 months since then, not much has changed. She is still saying she wants a divorce and we have met with a mediator on five occasions. I agreed to attend mediation initially so I could bring up Retrouvaille in mediation, and I have continued with mediation to remain cooperative, but since our mediator also works as a couples counselor, I have taken the opportunity to ask her some questions about our relationship (in following DB principles, these are the only times I talk about our R). In two different sessions, I have asked her what in our marriage does she feel is irreparable or irreconcilable? On both occasions, she was not able to give me a single reason. I am pretty sure she is in a MLC, and has convinced herself that she can find happiness with OM, but not me. It is the classic situation where she "is not in love" with me, but she does not see that love is a choice that comes out of commitment and that the "in love" feeling can be restored. I believe my W is still involved with the same OM, but since I stopped snooping 9 months ago, I cannot say for certain.

We have come to agreement on divisions of most of our assets including the valuation of our condo so that I can buy her half. We have one more mediation meeting scheduled for the third week of March, and there's not a lot left to discuss or to come to agreement on since we have no children.

Heartbroken's post above was an eye-opener for me. It gave me hope that even a spouse involved in an affair might have a change of heart at Retrouvaille. I realize the odds of reconciliation happening are much lower than if both spouses are attending with open minds, free of other attachments.

There is another Boston area Retrouvaille April 11 - 13. I am trying to figure out the best way to present this one to my wife. Prior to the September Retro, I was emphasizing the aspects of "improved communication that would help us in future relationships even if our marriage did not continue", but I think my wife was afraid she wouldn't be able to handle the feelings of guilt that would come up for her.

I don't want to be manipulative, but should I consider telling my W that if she agrees to attend the April Retrouvaille, I would respect her wishes to dissolve our marriage if she decides that is what she wants after attending Retrouvaille? (If Retrouvaille is a positive experience, I will try to get her to agree to attending the follow-up sessions prior to her making a final decision).

Does anyone have any suggestions?

Thank you,

LG