Interesting take on karma. The thing is that I don't think of it as a negative thing. Is that wrong? I don't want to destroy lives. I live my life around the truth, to the extent that it has gotten me in trouble on occasion (read: no filter on my thoughts sometimes). All I want is for everyone to be truthful and to be aware of what is happening - likely behind their backs.
Me: 38 H: 41 D13 D10 S7 M: 15 years T: 17 years Discovery of EA: 10/07 Suspected PA Trial separation: 1/31/08
Interesting take on karma. The thing is that I don't think of it as a negative thing. Is that wrong? I don't want to destroy lives. I live my life around the truth, to the extent that it has gotten me in trouble on occasion (read: no filter on my thoughts sometimes). All I want is for everyone to be truthful and to be aware of what is happening - likely behind their backs.
So do I. One thing I have learned is that sometimes bringing certain 'truths' to light end up harming me more than I can absorb at the time. That's the only message I can add.
No, I didn't think of what I did as negative. Yes, it created drama and made the husband aware of a "possible" problem in his marriage (I say "possible" because I presented the information in a very factual manner. I said I "believed" there was an affair going on and presented the facts exactly as I knew them).
I feel I did this family a favor. They had a baby and I believe my husband was a threat to their marriage and in turn a threat to the well-being of this child. I let the husband know this so it would give him a chance to try and turn things around and possibly change the course that his marriage was headed.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I'm curious, where does everything stand now? I know that everyone is different and reacts differently to situations but I wonder if your H ever got angry about you confronting OW. Is this something that will hang over you for the rest of your lives? I am feeling very close to telling my H that he has got to make a decision. I cannot live with the disrespect he has shown me any longer.
Me: 38 H: 41 D13 D10 S7 M: 15 years T: 17 years Discovery of EA: 10/07 Suspected PA Trial separation: 1/31/08
I've actually done this and I won't say not to. It's just not realistic to expect someone to sit there when something... anything may work. I get it. Do prepare yourself for the storm afterwards though. I was and it wasn't that bad. Felt better to do something than nothing better to make a wrong decision than none at all. So I pressed.
But first determine what you think you will get out of contacting OW/OWH. This is the most important question and shouldn't be overlooked. If you just want revenge by contacting them you may get it. If you think it may be what's needed to stop the affair - it may. Just be sure to evaluate what you think will come out of it and whether it outweighs the pending storm. In my case it did, in yours it may not.
H 30 (me) W 28 Married 9 yrs 2 children EA found out on 7/5/07 ILYBNILWY 8/25/07 The unexamined life is not worth living -Socrates
I guess it's just a matter of time. After seeing H yesterday and being treated like a second class citizen, I have to confront him and tell him that unless I see that he is willing to work on our marriage - which to me means: actively persuing a plan to get our marriage on track, treating me with respect, living in the same home with me and the kids and of course cutting off all contact with OW - then I am done. One of my favourites is when he has said, "I'm still wearing a wedding ring. I still consider myself to be married.". I just have to laugh, since what it means to him to wear a ring and be married is something entirely different than what it means to me. I now have 2 people telling that I should see legal counsel. I know it's because they don't want me to be continually hurt but I'm starting to believe them. I have to take care of myself, my kids and of our future. I can't watch my H on this road to self-destruction any longer. I just can't take being hurt anymore.
Me: 38 H: 41 D13 D10 S7 M: 15 years T: 17 years Discovery of EA: 10/07 Suspected PA Trial separation: 1/31/08
kikidee, I would advise against laying down that ultimatum. If you don't want to continue doing what you can to save the M - that's your decision, and you do what you gotta do.
But to expect your H to drop the OW and recommit at this point? I'm sorry, that seems pretty unrealistic right now.
Remember, focus on the things you can control - your PMA, how you react, how you conduct yourself, your GALing - and let go of the things you can't control - such as your H's actions.
Your sitch seems to be hurtling along at a pretty fast pace. Do what you can to slow things down, rather than cranking them up another notch. Time and patience are two of your best friends as you DB.
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
unless I see that he is willing to work on our marriage
At this point, it sure looks like he's not really very interested. Anything on your part that demands he work on it is pursuit, and will likely drive him farther away. He is trying to sort how how he feels about being married, and he doesn't need to be reminded about why he has a need to question it.
Quote:
One of my favourites is when he has said, "I'm still wearing a wedding ring. I still consider myself to be married.". I just have to laugh,
Kiki, this is a HUGE statement that he makes. He still considers himself married, and you laugh at him? He is in pain, he is struggling with whether he wants to stay married. Believe what he says, and don't do anything that makes him question it.
Quote:
I now have 2 people telling that I should see legal counsel. I know it's because they don't want me to be continually hurt...
You have this right. They are pained by seeing you hurt. However, they are not even beginning to consider how hurt you and your kids will be by the process of going through a divorce. Your time and money may be better spend on therapy, hopefully with your H. [/quote]
Quote:
I have to take care of myself, my kids and of our future.
Yes, you do. Do that first before you do anything about your H. As long as you obsess about him, pursue him, make demands and ultimatum of him, you are not taking care of yourself or you kids. Leave him alone and take care of you. He cannot make you happy, and you cannot make him happy. You can only make yourself happy, so do that first. People are attracted to happy, loving people and are repelled by demanding, needy, miserable people. Do what works, avoid what doesn't.
