Meredith - your 5 years..

[tpaschal]

Cagzmom,

What CMNM said (about being afraid to look toward the future in a positive way because that would mean we were admitting that the relationship was over) really hit home with me.

I think that's EXACTLY where I am. Teetering on that fence.

Everyone keeps saying, "make your own happiness," and "you can't wait around on him, you have to do what makes YOU happy," etc., etc.

And I've been countering with, "But I WAS happy. What made me happy was being a stay-at-home mom with my kids. I could stay involved in their schools and in community activities and fundraisers while they were at school and then be completely THERE for them when they were home. But now that happiness is being taken away."

H keeps telling me that I don't really love him, that I just want to hang onto the M because I'm scared of being on my own. That's just stupid---who in their right mind would stand for their M through this crazy MLC crap if it wasn't for love?---but I think that I am scared. Not scared of being without him, though I do still MISS him so much, but scared of going on to something new.

Giving up my old dreams, giving up my old happiness, and trying something new.

It's been so long since I was in the classroom. I know teaching strategies have changed alot in the past 14 years. What if I'm not good at it anymore? What if I don't like it anymore? And the biggest fear---is it going to take me away from my kids? I know it will to some extent, and I am afraid of that. Afraid that I'll be tired and pulled in so many directions that I won't be able to be fully present for them.

I know that fear is not coming from God. I KNOW I need to turn it over to Him. I KNOW this. But I'm afraid to DO it. Still SO afraid of moving forward, because it would feel too much like "giving up."

I need to keep hearing the message that my journey has to be about ME, not about him. I need to hear it over and over and over again.