All these things you mention as her rationalizations for giving up on your marriage are just that - rationalizations.
People who MEAN their marriage vows do not leave marriages because of difficult times. I would like to think that is one of the foundational ideas that all of us on this board share. Marriage, particularly long term marriage, will have frequent trying times. Real men and women cling to their vows all the more tightly during these times, finding a way to weather the current storms.
I think you question now whether your wife is MLC or not. One of the things I've picked up in my time here is that it's really kind of irrelevant. She HAS changed her mind in a fundamental way about something that she made a lifetime pledge to uphold.
You could have been a physically/emotionally abusive alchoholic who left her no choice. THAT we could understand and accept.
You could have been a chronic skirt chaser who bedded numerous women with no regard to your wife's feelings. THAT we could understand and accept.
Your failings instead were to be someone who felt things too deeply, worked so hard to fix things that you damaged yourself, and, when damaged, closed yourself off to those around you.
This is not the stuff of divorce.
So why do I say all these things that you already know?
Frank, your wife is emotionally wigged out. Call it MLC, WAS, or whatever other label you want to use. First soul, second soul, "releasing" energies, needing to let my strong self lead the way....these are all nutzo ideas given voice by someone who has no real clue what in the hell they are talking about.
Again, so what?
Well, it's my opinion Frank, that when our spouse wigs out, nothing that they say, particularly about long term plans, is necessarily based in reality. Her comments these days are coming from this confusion inside of her and her natural fear-based response to it of running away. It's her background apparently, and here she is avoiding difficulty in a search for something easier.
You asked me before why I seemed to feel that this was NOT over. Well, this is why Frank. As far as I'm concerned, the drivel coming out of your wife's mouth is no more real or rational than the spew that comes out of the worst of the MLC'ers on this site. She's spouting nonsense to support her cowardly decision to run away. And she's decided to run away because she's lost her faith in you, justifiable in part but NOT in whole.
So you let her go Frank. You do it kind of like you did it before. You love her and you let her go. And yes, I know it hurts like hell and tears you up inside. Which is why you need to get away for a bit and find a way to detach your feelings from her actions.
Just like every other MLC or wandering WAS on this board, you run a risk. She may take off and never come back. She may take off and find another. Then again, she may take off and, IN TIME, realize that she already had what she needed in you and your family. No one knows which one will take place.
Peace. Distance. Love. As much as possible, compassion for the mess that she is right now. Somehow severing the links between you that make her words and actions cut you to the bone.
I know, easier said than done. But it's the same kind of thing we tell EVERY OTHER person who comes here with a similar situation. Let go. Stop taking it so personally. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND YOUR KIDS. Make priorities concerning YOUR business. At the same time, lovingly allow her to do what it is that she thinks she needs to do. Tell her you understand, even if you don't agree with her.
It's basic DB'ing Frank. And that's ok (I know you said you're not DB'ing this time) because DB'ing is NOT just about saving your marriage. It's about saving YOU and in the process increasing the chances that the marriage might be saved.
I hope something that I've written makes sense. I do fear that I've rambled far too much.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
