Hello, everyone! I can use some good advice. I know we all are seeking that, that's why we're here, right? :O) Anyway, I am feeling pretty lost and need some words of wisdom. Here's the short summary:
M - 40 H - 39 1D - 7
He first said he wanted a D back in March 2007; came back in mid-May and said he felt he was making a mistake. Said a lot of things that made me believe we could make it work. June through Sept/Oct was great, then things started to slip a bit.
Our major issue is the fact that we have not had another child. I really do want one or maybe two - and I realize our time is running short - but I have struggled with my weight. I want to get back to a healthy weight for a stress-free pregnancy. I have done a good job so far (losing about 50 pounds) but there is still a little way to go (for me to feel really ready). I think my husband (who has hyper-metabolism and can eat anything) feels it should be happening faster.
Then there's the job issue. He has felt I had been too wrapped up in my work, more focused on that than on a baby. Bear in mind I was the sole source of consistent financial support over the last year and a half.
However, in this time frame my husband has dealt with job loss, difficulty at starting up a business, too much drinking, tobacco use. These are things that bother me a lot (the drinking and tobacco) because I feel like he has put pressure on me to get really healthy for the pregnancy, but he has not put himself under the same standards for health.
Now, I feel there is this wall up between us. We did talk last night but I feel like it's him talking at me and not really hearing anything. I get tongue-tied around him lately and I hate it. It feels very judgmental. He said he thought our marriage "sucked" - isn't that all warm and fuzzy? He said we lack closeness and that it's not how a marriage should be. I agree, but when I have asked him to do things lately, he's "too busy" with his work deadlines. The pot calling the kettle black, anyone?
I told him that his seeming coldness these last few months does not motivate me in the least to want to have another child with him. I feel like he is so resentful of the fact that we haven't had another baby yet, that he can't really forgive me (because he views this as primarily my fault since I didn't "get ready" the way we had planned to. There's a lot more to it, and I don't want to paint a picture like I'm perfect and he's an ass. He's not, and I'm not.
I am just frustrated and I need help. I feel like we got this second chance but we don't have the tools we need to move forward and get some good work done. He comes from that school of thought that says if you're with the right person, communication and closeness "just happen" - and that's such a crock, but I can't get him to see it.
Does anyone have anything that can help? We're supposed to be talking again later this week to kind of set a plan for where we're headed, you know, I want this, you want this, does it mesh? But beyond that, I really believe we need strategies for strengthening our marriage, even if he thinks it won't work. I need someone else's opinions to help me.
I believe there's still genuine love between us, and we're both so scared to trust each other (me, because he wanted to divorce me, and him, because he feels I let him down or changed the rules on him re: kids)... can we get past this? I don't want to be a statistic. I want to make our marriage stronger and be a couple that "gets it."
