Last night I finally sent something that worked to my client, who has no faith in me. Haven't gotten any response today but I'm going to keep working on the project and adding features and send more to him later.
It was difficult to concentrate yesterday, I still get the anxiety that overwhelms me especially when I interact with W. Then I try to work on stuff but I feel overwhelmed and have to go for a fast walk or talk to someone to get the emotions sorted out.
But in the end I accomplished SOMETHING and I feel a little more empowered. Also, AmyC's post is on my bookmarks so I read it whenever I'm feeling 'hopeful' or 'hopeless'. Cut the cord. Let her run away.
Most interactions with W are pretty mundane. She shows me little more than 'politeness', maybe a smile. She just wants to get out.
Sometimes I feel like the 'I hate this' discussion a few weeks ago and not going to the 'Casino Night' with her hurt her a lot and pushed her away. I know I had to say how I was feeling at the time but was 'anti-db'. Then again everything I'm doing is more geared towards expressing MY feelings and not keeping it all inside.
I'm sure it didn't help. I know I wasn't trying to hurt her directly, I'm just tired of being the one who doesn't express his feelings, and his need for help from her. Help from ANYBODY. But I know that was probably part of what made her feel more and more that being 'away from me' felt better than being around me did.
I didn't beg or try to convince her to stay then, I just said how much was heaped onto me and how I hated it, and I wasn't going to be her friend. How can I be? Thinking of her gone, or worse with someone else, is a pain I can't endure any more. What else could I tell her? I know 'last time' I went out of my way to be her friend but then I knew she was really lost in the 'in love' endorphins. Now she's just running away because she is 'done'.
I'm different now. Even though it hurts I really want her to go so I can go through the hurt faster, and then move on. She doesn't want to stay and that in itself is hard enough.
While life with me wasn't 'hell', it had it's down times and she just couldn't take them any more as they were reaching the tipping point - for me and for her. Even though I got to that point, to where I knew nobody could help me but me, and I was finally desperate enough to do something, she was past the point of no return. Her heart is closed and she says she "Won't open it again because she has no faith any more".
I've made a lot of mistakes and I've taken responsibility. That's the best I can do. Right now a lot of things look pretty bleak and it's scary to think I may not be able to turn my financials and career around. I just need to have faith.
It hurts this morning. I feel the distance growing between us and it hurts. I know eventually it will hurt less, it really depends on how long I want to hang on to it.
I was reading a post some time ago, probably one saying things I would say to others, that said you should "Act Happy, Positive, when around your WAS". I don't want to do that because I'm stuck with all big the financial pressure and loss and abandonment. I can act 'ok', and I can act 'not depressed'. But I'm not happy. If that 'validates' her leaving in some way then she's a fool. anyone who can look at their husband struggling and not know or care what they failed to do to help is a fool.
W was telling me this morning about some more potential job opportunities she was looking into. I was upbeat for her and wished her luck. In the back of my mind I was thinking how it sure would have helped US if she had done something months ago, for US.
I just feel so abandoned right now. I know I just have to cry it out and then it will pass.
