mak0-man....I can only repeat some things that you have already heard (from Jack3beans) et al:
Quote:
Gotta be strong for my girls now, who knows what permanent damage has been done to them too, they are finally starting to talk about the string of men they have been seeing, their confusion, their fear, etc. God, what a mess.
Your number one priority right now are your girls. They will choose a man BASED ON YOU. They will also watch and see how YOU treat your wife/ a woman...and expect to be treated similarly. In spite of your W's recent death spiral, you can still handle this with strength, dignity and respect while at the same time maintaining your personal boundaries and safety boundaries for your children. YOU...are their rock and role model.
As for your W...you said it yourself...I'VE said it myself...she can NOT focus on YOU AND YOUR KIDS AND THE M until her issues and illness are treated.
Move forward to protect your children. Help your W get medical/psychological help. Take care of yourself emotionally.
If you recall the story on my thread about the Marine I took care of..well...I admire your strength and courage to not leave your W behind...just get her to safety first and heal yourself.
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
I want you to read what was posted to me as I agonized about my stich, as I saw my H destroying our M and himself after I had given him many chances and he'd just betray me each time. I see what you are saying, you don't want to feel you r abandoning someone in need, but in this case, that someone wont' be saved until she decides to set herself straight.
Start reading from the sixth post down and onto the next pg (in a weird twist of fate, my H was also trying to "save" ow to our/his detriment):
Mako, I feel for you and have similar situation. My H is bipolar with schizophrenic traits and self medicates his mood swings with prescription pain killers or crack cocaine. He's been running from an active arrest warrant for several months and 4 times now, I've received his desperate "I'm gonna die out here" 3am phone calls begging to let him come spend one night with me so he can turn himself in to the mental health unit at the jail with knowing I forgive him and won't abandon him. 4 times, I've picked him up the streets, reassured him of my love by letting him stay overnight and the next day (or while I'm sleeping) he bolts out the door back to the streets. When it happened again this morning, after I reiterated the consequences of another failure to keep his promise, I changed my numbers and locked the door. He had taken off while I was in the bathroom and called back to leave a message that he's just out getting some money from a friend to get his ring out of pawn, but I felt I had to show him even if his intentions were good, that deceptive behavior would not be tolerated at all. So now, of course I'm stuck in the "What if's..." of my decision to cut off his means of contacting me to protect my sanity and enforce consequences for his deceptive actions. I'm heartbroken after years of showing him total forgiveness each time he sobered up and restarted his bipolar medications. Worse than heartbroken I'm scared that I may never see him again and in Florida a wife cannot transact any credit or real estate transactions without signature from the husband even when he's never worked and mentally unstable. I lost my job last month due to extended sick leave as I acquired fibromyalgia and am unable to work any longer. As the sole bread winner, that means there is no income now and I just received a notice that I cannot withdraw from my 401K to get money to live on while I await disability insurance appeal of 6-9 months as any withdrawal from an employer sponsored 401K here requires husband's consent. Same with selling my home, purchased before the marriage and paid for by me, as husband's signature required. I feel like the laws here in Florida are forcing me to divorce him, but I love him unconditionally, just cannot live with the lies, theft and drug abuse. So, all this was to let you know, you are not alone in continuing to love someone who is ill and addicted.
How many times has he sobered up, then went back to using? This is the first time she has been in a rehab and the first time her alcohol/drug use has been truly brought out in the open like this in 12 years. Do you have any faith that these people can finally recover?
Me: 37, engineer, former Marine Her: 33, HS dropout, retail sales Kids: 3 Daughters 11,9,3 2 Dogs Seperated since Jun07
MM, I have been following your sitch but have not responded until today as this hits so close to home for me too. My H was/is (always will be) an addict but I can say that he has been clean and sober for over 10 years now. We went through A LOT during his active addiction and it was pure hell....for both of us. I can only say that they can overcome the addiction....only if/when THEY are ready. Really and truly ready.
My H 'tried' to hide his addiction for 7 years while we were dating. Of course we went through the whole lick....lying, stealing, jail, disappearing for weeks at a time...the whole nine. And all this while I was DATING him. I didn't marry him until he had at least 2 years clean time. I didn't HAVE to stick around for this mess! I had no obiligation to him...but I loved him. And I helped him through it, but there is only so much you can do.
Your W has to want this for herself. She is the only one who can determine when she is 'sick and tired of being sick and tired'. No matter how much you try to love her through it or help her through it she is not going to kick unless SHE is ready to do it.
All I can say is protect yourself and your kids. It is entirely your decision how much (or how little) you choose to help her. But remember, if she is not ready to let it go yet, there is nothing you can do to help her. That's why I say protect yourself, mentally, physically, financially, whatever. Pray for her that she is delivered from this substance abuse that seems to have a hold on her. It may be the best thing you can do for her right now.
How many times sobred up? About a dozen. He has never had long term inpatient treatment though which is what I think could make the difference. I've attended ALANON/NARANON for about 25 years and through that have meet many spouses of addicts/alcoholics that have changed their lives totally around, but even those sometimes have a relapse after 1,5,10 or even 20 years sober and with immediate inpatient treatment I've seen those later relapses be severe, but brief. I don't know that I've ever really seen trust totally rebuilt though. It seems the realtionships that seem to later thrive are those where the recovering addict can accept that their spouse doesn't have to trust them to love them.
Mako, I forgot to mention, I would highly reccomend you join a Celebrate Recovery group in your area. Google, Celebrate Recovery and you'll find their site with meeting locations and times. Also, ALANON can really help you. Neither of these are to help her, but to help you and through you getting help with dealing with loving an addict, you can better be available to support her in her recovery.
LJ, this is what I am told over and over, and have been told in the past. I know its true, I guess I feel like I have done more than enough to help her at the expense of my own well-being and the well-being of my kids. She is still in a great deal of denial when she does call from the facility. She recently told me "I dont know why I am here" and that tells me a lot. Doesnt sound like shes ready yet
Donette, Her sister attended her first Alanon meeting yesterday, I couldnt go because 2 of my girls had soccer. I have been making myself familiar with AA/Alanon through the web and plan to attend when I can get a free moment (which doesnt come easy anymore). She tells me she is struggling with the whole "higher power" thing, and having trouble getting past the 1st step. I dont know, I wish I could cut these emotional ties, for all practical purposes the rest of the ties have already been cut.
Me: 37, engineer, former Marine Her: 33, HS dropout, retail sales Kids: 3 Daughters 11,9,3 2 Dogs Seperated since Jun07
Mako - The ties have not been cut. You have 3 children that will bond you for life. Just take it a day at a time and do not be afraid to ask for help. Hopefully this program will work for your wife, try not to read too much into your convos. Leave it to the pros.
Have the counselors provided you and update on her situation?
I feel for you man. Your story is one of the worst.
