ok first and foremost - IF YOU READING THIS YOU ARE IN TROUBLE! Get back to work. AND YES you CAN write a term paper in 5 days. You have bore sons - been through hell in a marriage- a nonmarriage and a almost divorce so YES YOU CAN.
I am sorry for your rollercoaster and thank you for your honesty. I have to go be with d11 but thank you.
Thank you for sharing - thank you for your kudos. Thanks!!
More later Cagzmom...
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
First of all, I was kidding about taking up Meredith's time. I realized it didn't sound funny when I read it back.
If you haven't noticed, Meredith is one of the smartest people, ever. She can read something, process it, and have an answer off in less time than it takes me to sign in to the BB.
Secondly, I think my post sounded kind of negative. Not intended. There has been lots of good in my R, and it would not have been possible if I hadn't changed tremendously. No matter what happens, I came out of this as a better person~ one I can be proud of. I know I can be a better wife, better mom, better everything now.
I am just having problems taking it slow with the man that I have spent over 20 years with, you know? But, it is necessary and I need to learn to follow his cues on this.
I think if I wasn't so stressed about everything else that I would have handled today a lot better.
Tomorrow is another day. And I will do better.
I did call him and had a quick 2 minute talk in which I was happy and positive. I was "breezy." (Did you ever see that "Friends" episode? If not, that was a funny reference.... really)
Anyway, back to the paper. I am calmer. It can be a min. of 5 pages. And, I downloaded an APA formatter. SO, I have that going for me. Now, as for those 8 references...
I think my emotional outbursts will scare him off before I ever get the chance to make a decision anyway.
You are a making what will henceforth be known as a strawberry decision. (read a few posts back). It is a decision that might work fabulously for strawberries but does not pertain to marriage and divorce. I know that you're on a limited time frame, but I think I can attest to the fact that divorce doesn’t mean a thing.
What decision is there to be made? Whether or not to kick him in the...nose...? I'm not sure what that smiley is really doing, but to me it looked like he was getting punched in the...nose...!
Make your decisions as they come. You don't have to give him a definitive answer; there is no 'check yes or no' here. Your decisions should center on specific short-term events. That is, should I call H or do I want to go see this movie or am I capable of having him for dinner? Those decisions. The rest will come as it is. Do NOT NOT NOT be afraid to ask him the tough questions - just make sure the decision is centered on timing for the best results. (This was for CMNM. She is in a place where tough questions are cool. Not always the case. Disclaimer over).
Okay? So let's all pledge to not make a billion decisions into one supervaluemenu decision. Deal?
Oh, I have to do this... one big shout out to all of us with a GO YOU!!!!
Last edited by Meredith; 02/18/0801:11 PM.
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
Ahh, another new term to add to my handy dandy DB bag..."Strawberry decision." Not as good as "arfer" but I do like it.
Guess I must have been channeling you yesterday, my weekday pal. I did say that I was not capable of making a decision of that magnitude in 12 (now 11) days. So, he can do with that what he wants. I am tired of jumping to someone else's timeframe. Well, that sounded bad. Truly, if I had a decision I would make one. I don't, and I can't right now. So, I will have to be at peace with that instead of feeling like a...how do you say it? LOOOOOOSER.
As for this:
Quote:
am I capable of having him for dinner?
Capable, yes. But that would be the OLD me. Picturing certain body parts on a platter, if ya know what I mean....
Oh, did you mean having him over for dinner? My bad.
Wow. Really good thread. And all of it stuff I NEED to hear. My timeline is very similar to cagzmom's.
H:40 M:39 Married: 18 yrs. T:21 (except that he moved out a year ago this past weekend) D:13 S:9 D:5
We WERE the couple that everyone thought would last forever. So many people have told me that when they heard about him leaving it was like a kick to their stomach. A few have told me that they got physically ill---actualy sick to their stomach. Kinda how I felt!
Got the "IDLYA and I'm thinking of leaving" speech on our 17th anniversary---Dec. 22, 06. Denied other woman but for the first time ever in our 20 year relationship I was suspicious and went through his email. Found evidence on Dec. 23, 06, he was having affair (first ever, and the first person he'd ever "been with" other than me because we got together at age 18) with a 21 year old file clerk/receptionist/college dropout in his office.
I confronted him, he ranted and raved and started all the typical MLC "alien" behaviors, affair went from EA to PA in January 07, he moved out February 16, 07. We live in Texas, so there is no legal separation. He filed end of April, she moved in with him in mid-May. She is now 22, and just like the young OW in cagzmom's situation, she is slathering him with praise, slandering me terribly (he's admitted that to me, and I've heard it from other sources), and even playing the card of pretending to want custody of the kids because I'm just such a terrible b***h and bad mom, though I know she's told others that she really doesn't want to have anything to do with his kids.
I know I focus WAY too much on what he's doing and how OW is affecting the whole situation, even though I KNOW it doesn't do any good. My trouble is, how do I detach from that when I know he's going to start bringing her around my kids? I know what kind of person she is, even if he refuses to see it, and it kills me that my kids are going to be exposed to that.
But, really, where does knowing all that get me? Stuck. Stuck in the PIT. (I recommend Beth Moore's book, Get Out of That Pit. It's helped, though I am obviously still stuck in the pit myself and still struggling to get out.)
Just like cagzmom, everyone tells me I'm the strong one. Strong for "keeping it together" for my kids (what choice do I have?), strong for committing to DB'ing, strong for being open to forgiveness and reconciliation.
But where is it getting me? Nowhere.
I've tried going dark, and have several times gone two and three weeks without any contact at all, but I always seem to get sucked back in. When you've got three school age kids, it's kind of hard. I've been told by my lawyer that I need to show good will by keeping him informed of the kids activities and schedules (to a certain extent) so that he can't argue later that I tried to keep the kids away from him or turn them against him. I think he's going to try to argue that anyway.
I know I need to GAL, make my own happiness, etc. And I am going to church, going out with friends, starting to exercise, trying to do fun things for myself occasionally (taking a hot bath with a good book, getting a pedicure, and best of all---some friends are treating me to a long weekend to London with them) but none of it is really giving me any joy.
How do I find that?
Is this the "Fake it 'til you make" part of Getting a Life?
I guess what I'm really struggling with right now are questions for the lawyers, except that lawyers don't really understand the concept of DB'ing.
Do I give in and give him the quick divorce he wants? (Well, quick in the sense that even though he filed way back in April 07 he's such a procrastinator and so passive/aggressive that he's just now forcing the issue of wanting it over with.) He wanted to meet last Wednesday, and basically told me that he'll make me a nice offer if I will settle and get it over with, but if I continue to take it through the courts he will "let his lawyer do her thing" which is to fight to get me as little as possible. I know he's playing Mr. Nice Guy to manipulate me into doing what he wants, and if I don't give in he'll turn right back into the hateful monster.
I feel like the kids and I have been living in limbo for so long, do I just give in? I am afraid that with the sucky divorce laws in Texas, I may NOT be able to get as good a settlement from the courts as what he will offer now.
I've been saying for a year that I don't want a divorce, that I don't believe in divorce, and that I have absolute faith that God can restore love to our marriage beyond all hope or expectation.
Do I go back on that now?
Ugh. This is so hard. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
(And sorry for the thread highjack! I did just start my own thread last week, but I'm not sure where it is now, and this one really spoke to me.)
Last edited by tpaschal; 02/18/0803:09 PM.
Me:40, xH:41 M:19 T:21 D14, S10, D6 IDLYA bomb:12/22/06 OW bomb (21 yr. old employee):12/23/06 H move out 2/07, OW move in 5/07 D papers served 6/07 D final Nov. 26, 08 :-(
Don't push the divorce let him do all the work, but protecting yourself financially comes first.
They will manipulate you big time during this period.
My ex tried to scare me, persuade me, intimidate me, bribe me, all for the almighty buck.
Be strong and take care of you.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
tpaschal ----No problem with the hyjack. MY ONLY DESIRE for this thread that it stays focused ON YOU AND ME and NOT THEM. It is HARD HARD HARD I know. BUT we have to do this FOR US!! Enough about them.
I understand your STAND and I feel every ounce of fear, anxiety and saddness you feel. BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY I think WE need to stop looking at the D word as the END and instead the BEGINNING.
I AM NOT saying we dont STAND. BUT I agree with trusting (and she is amazing) dont push the D but DO PROTECT YOU. I have said on many other threads that Jesus LET LAZURUS DIE. Think about it. He could have SAVED HIS LIFE...but instead he WAITED and let him die...and what happened? MORE GLORY! MORE TO GOD and less of us. Do you see?
Read earlier - read what CMNM wrote to me about letting go - about admitting the end to the R. NONE of us want that or we wouldnt be here.
Read and reread what has been posted on this thread...I agree it is GOOD. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO ABOUT THEM AND EVERYTHING ABOUT US!!
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
I'm not sure what that smiley is really doing, but to me it looked like he was getting punched in the...nose...!
