Hi Betrayed....nice to meet you. Sorry about your sitch but glad you found your way here. This site and the information Michele provides has been more than helpful for me. It has literally transformed my life and my attitude towards my H and myself. I think I have finally found the REAL ME through all of this! Keep reading and following the DB principles....they work for real! It may/may not help in your marriage but they will DEF-IN-ITE-LY work in your life!
As far as your sitch...that is a damn mess! H had an affair for 3 years!!!! WTH????? Sounds to me like MLC, just like a teenager...they will get away with something for as long as you let them. I'm by far no expert, but from what I've read and listening to the advice given on this board, the best thing for you to do is keep doing what you are doing already...keeping conversations short and to the point.
First, don't give H anything else to read re: MLC or Michele's books. That info is for your eyes only. For one, he is not going to really care about what some 'expert' on relationships has to say. As far as he is concerned he probably feels he doesn't need any help. So stop helping him...it's only hurting you.
Second, like they say around here....act 'as if'. This is REALLY HARD....trust! But it gets easier...it does. I acted 'as if' so much that now I can't even tell the difference between the acting happy and actually being happy. When they say act 'as if' I think it means in all aspects of your life. Think about it this way...IF your business partner were a stranger or a friend, how would act towards them...like a loving wife or a business partner? Probably as a business partner...act the same way with your H right now. He is a business partner and we're trying to run a business and be profitable....done.
IF you were happy in your life and H was your friend, how would you act towards him? Probably like you were glad to see him but not gushing and 'lovey dovey' around him. Just cordial....that's how I was around H for a long, LONG, too long time. I didn't call him....he didn't call me....for months at a time. I went on with the program. And when I did speak to him, I was cordial, happy, smiling, all that. Cried a lot after I would speak to him but when I was talking to him....you would never know that anything was wrong with me. I stayed mysterious, busy and full of life....as far as he knew. I went so far with it that one time when he called me early on a Sunday morning and asked if I was at home I was like, "Uhhh no, I'm not." H was like, "Oh...you at your Mom's?"...I only said, "No...I'm not" and left it right there. Let him figure it out...ponder for a minute. Even though I was only at my girlfriend's house.....but I wasn't gonna let him know that!
But I think the most important thing I did with my H was that I did not condemn him for what happened. I really did take a long, hard look at myself to see what part I played in the breakdown of my marriage. It's a hard thing to do to look in the mirror and acknowledge that I may have been wrong or not as caring or not as loving as I should have been. Not to say that absolves him for ANYTHING cuz it didn't have to happen that way. But I had to come to terms with myself and see that I am not perfect either and there was probably some things that I could have done differently too.
Most of all, take care of yourself and your children. You have to eat well, sleep well, exercise and do things that make you happy. Do the things that you like genuinely like to do....not something that you think will impress H. Because if it turns out that your H does not come back, you can (and will) still be happy bcuz you are truly enjoying your life. This happiness will trickle down to your children and they will see their mom being happy even if Dad is not around. Might help them not be so sad or upset about things. I'm not an expert but it makes sense to me.
Take care of yourself and read some of the success stories here on the board. I would read them sometimes just to reassure myself that it can work out for the better. It helped me tremendously!!
