Meredith - your 5 years..

[tpaschal]

Cagzmom and Meredith,

Wow. Really good thread. And all of it stuff I NEED to hear. My timeline is very similar to cagzmom's.

H:40
M:39
Married: 18 yrs.
T:21 (except that he moved out a year ago this past weekend)
D:13
S:9
D:5

We WERE the couple that everyone thought would last forever. So many people have told me that when they heard about him leaving it was like a kick to their stomach. A few have told me that they got physically ill---actualy sick to their stomach. Kinda how I felt!

Got the "IDLYA and I'm thinking of leaving" speech on our 17th anniversary---Dec. 22, 06. Denied other woman but for the first time ever in our 20 year relationship I was suspicious and went through his email. Found evidence on Dec. 23, 06, he was having affair (first ever, and the first person he'd ever "been with" other than me because we got together at age 18) with a 21 year old file clerk/receptionist/college dropout in his office.

I confronted him, he ranted and raved and started all the typical MLC "alien" behaviors, affair went from EA to PA in January 07, he moved out February 16, 07. We live in Texas, so there is no legal separation. He filed end of April, she moved in with him in mid-May. She is now 22, and just like the young OW in cagzmom's situation, she is slathering him with praise, slandering me terribly (he's admitted that to me, and I've heard it from other sources), and even playing the card of pretending to want custody of the kids because I'm just such a terrible b***h and bad mom, though I know she's told others that she really doesn't want to have anything to do with his kids.

I know I focus WAY too much on what he's doing and how OW is affecting the whole situation, even though I KNOW it doesn't do any good. My trouble is, how do I detach from that when I know he's going to start bringing her around my kids? I know what kind of person she is, even if he refuses to see it, and it kills me that my kids are going to be exposed to that.

But, really, where does knowing all that get me? Stuck. Stuck in the PIT. (I recommend Beth Moore's book, Get Out of That Pit. It's helped, though I am obviously still stuck in the pit myself and still struggling to get out.)

Just like cagzmom, everyone tells me I'm the strong one. Strong for "keeping it together" for my kids (what choice do I have?), strong for committing to DB'ing, strong for being open to forgiveness and reconciliation.

But where is it getting me? Nowhere.

I've tried going dark, and have several times gone two and three weeks without any contact at all, but I always seem to get sucked back in. When you've got three school age kids, it's kind of hard. I've been told by my lawyer that I need to show good will by keeping him informed of the kids activities and schedules (to a certain extent) so that he can't argue later that I tried to keep the kids away from him or turn them against him. I think he's going to try to argue that anyway.

I know I need to GAL, make my own happiness, etc. And I am going to church, going out with friends, starting to exercise, trying to do fun things for myself occasionally (taking a hot bath with a good book, getting a pedicure, and best of all---some friends are treating me to a long weekend to London with them) but none of it is really giving me any joy.

How do I find that?

Is this the "Fake it 'til you make" part of Getting a Life?

I guess what I'm really struggling with right now are questions for the lawyers, except that lawyers don't really understand the concept of DB'ing.

Do I give in and give him the quick divorce he wants? (Well, quick in the sense that even though he filed way back in April 07 he's such a procrastinator and so passive/aggressive that he's just now forcing the issue of wanting it over with.) He wanted to meet last Wednesday, and basically told me that he'll make me a nice offer if I will settle and get it over with, but if I continue to take it through the courts he will "let his lawyer do her thing" which is to fight to get me as little as possible. I know he's playing Mr. Nice Guy to manipulate me into doing what he wants, and if I don't give in he'll turn right back into the hateful monster.

I feel like the kids and I have been living in limbo for so long, do I just give in? I am afraid that with the sucky divorce laws in Texas, I may NOT be able to get as good a settlement from the courts as what he will offer now.

I've been saying for a year that I don't want a divorce, that I don't believe in divorce, and that I have absolute faith that God can restore love to our marriage beyond all hope or expectation.

Do I go back on that now?

Ugh. This is so hard. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

(And sorry for the thread highjack! I did just start my own thread last week, but I'm not sure where it is now, and this one really spoke to me.)