When I read your post dated 2/15/05 starting with "she was very negative tonight....." I thought to myself too much R talk with W. I didn't post to you because I thought that you wouldn't want to hear that. But now if look at W is saying to you, she's indicating that she doesn't like the R talk either, even if she's initiated it.
All that the R talk is doing is reminding her why she wants to leave. So I would say to you cut out all R talk, if she starts it, change the subject until you're at a point where you can see that the R talk will be beneficial.
Originally Posted By: steve477
She said her decision kind of rests with me. She says that when I am calm and nice to her, she is unsure about leaving but when we `talk` then she is sure about leaving.
But now if you also look again at W is telling you she is giving you now the blue print to you success. Less talk and more action. So read again what you just written and do more of what works and less of what doesn't. The talking isn't working in your favour, I can't say any more than that.
Dont know how to use a `determined font` for my post, but I have had a revelation.
I went to the cinema tonight to see National Treasure. Alone. Going alone sucks, I didnt mind in the past but I do now. Anyway the main character is Ben, but his Mother calls him Benjamin. That is our name for our son if it is a boy, Ben when he is good, and Benjamin when he is naughty! We decided that over a year ago. Amelia for a girl. Something in me fell into place.
I have been praying alot recently (as I mentioned) W was pleased about this but saddened I didnt start sooner. Me and my W met on the other side of the world, literally. We had to fight both sets of families to push our wedding forward. I believe with all my heart that we have a destiny together, and that destiny is not to have moved to a new country, fall pregnant and then get a divorce. As difficult as it is to see a happy future at the moment, I just know in my heart that we are meant to be together.
We are just fighting about the past, not about things that are happening now (not even OM, as I dont know what is happening to fight about it).... that is just stupid. My W has difficulty letting go of the past, but everyone does eventually. Noone really remembers what they were doing exactly 10 years ago.
My W needs time... plenty of time. She needs to do some things, maybe make mistakes, as do all of us. She needs to perhaps seperate with me... she needs to see where her and OM are going (nowhere really as he wont leave his family). I need to give her that time to do these things for herself, and she will become a better person for it, asI am becoming a better person for looking at my life.
I was (still am) worried about having pain. I didnt want to have this pain for another month or 6 months or a year or whatever... but I read some of these stories on here, and my god these people are so strong, stronger than I could ever imagine being. But we all can find these reserves in ourselves when we need to fight for what we believe in. My hat comes off to all the brave people fighting for what they believe in here on this board, you are all inspirational.
If I look at the bigger picture, then what is a year or so of pain compared to a possible 50 or 60 years of joy that could follow, together with our children, and then grandchildren. That thought will give me the strengh to do this.
Of course I am still going to mess up (probably more than I would like to). Its human nature. Its Steves nature to mess up! lol. But I know what I am fighting for now. I am fighting for Benjamin and Amelia and a happy family where they have parents who love them and each other. I have my baby steps and small goals I am looking for, but now I have the finish line too.
I need to trust in God and in myself and in my wife.
(I know I shouldnt) I told my wife this. She cried. Looks like she had been crying before I had come back too. I told her to take all the she needs and to do whatever it is she needs to do.
Good things are worth waiting for, and my wife is the best!
Cheers
Steve
Me 27 W 30 M 2yrs/ T 5yrs Expecting our first child Sept 08 warning bomb (has feelings for someone) 21/12/08 I found out about OM (by snooping) 14/1/08 Living together.
Good news today... W volunteered information as to why she was down yesterday. W is p****d off with OM. She has finally seen something I told her she would see. Whatever happens he is going to come out of this with no sacrifice. She overheard him saying to a friend that he had booked flights to go to florida in the summer with his family. She said she doesnt know if he will have fun or not, as it seems that he is not getting along with his W. My W seemed to think that OMs relationship wasnt going to last too long (her thoughts, not from him I gather). But these plans seems to indicate differently. A little bit of a sureal conversation (I was in the place of a girlfriend I think). I told her that I thought she had said he wanted to work on his M. She said yes, but he hadnt seemed happy about it, both he and his w earn a decent salary, so she thought he was staying becuase of the lifestyle (and the son). I told her that I could understand why she was down, as I was sure part of her had wanted to imagine a life with OM (am I ****ing understanding or what!) She said she had imagined that, IF he was `the one`, but seems he is not! I repeat...he is NOT! I asked her what she wanted from him now, and I didnt think she would be happy as the OW. She said she doesnt know. Now I know this is too early to be excited, as all he has to tell my W is that he had no choice and it was his Ws idea. BUT I knew my wife would get annoyed with him sooner or later... she gets annoyed with everyone LOL. It is uncanny that this is actually just about 6 months after they started to get a bit more serious in their A. The 6 month mark! Now my W is still talking about S but I think this is a big point here. Now she has had the seeds of doubt placed in her mind about OM, I think she may be able to `see` me more.
Told my folks today, not any details, just that we are having problems. Dont want to S to be a big surprise when/ if it appears.
Still feeling good after my revelational yesterday. Took W out for a pub lunch today. Then we went shopping. I flirted a little bit because she was trying on sweat pants, which were very figure hugging. She smiled and rolled her eyes when I made comments... dont think she minded! I tried to touch her hand, but she told me not to `be cheeky`, but not in a bad way.
Cheers
Steve
PS we will be watching desparate housewives again tonight, got the new box set... dont know about desparate housewives, I am becoming a desperate househusband!!!
PPS, I am being realistic, and am bracing myself for another dip on this rollercoaster!!
Me 27 W 30 M 2yrs/ T 5yrs Expecting our first child Sept 08 warning bomb (has feelings for someone) 21/12/08 I found out about OM (by snooping) 14/1/08 Living together.
I told her that I could understand why she was down, as I was sure part of her had wanted to imagine a life with OM (am I ****ing understanding or what!)
careful - this smacks a little of mind reading .. of making assumptions. I may be wrong here but for me a little red falg went up. I hate it when my H "knows" what I think. it could be particular to me, during our bad times my H would assume he knew what i wanted, what I was thinking etc ... but ingeneral a lot of women don't want a man who mind reads them but a man who will REALLY listen to them.
Just a little warning flag.
But I agree, it seems you two are having way too many R talks. I could be wrong, it could just be my perception, but it may help just to back off a little, let her be, enjoy being you and give it time.
This is a tough situation for BOTH of you and you are BOTH hurting. Go slow and take it easy
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Not so much mind reading on my part, as she had told me as much in a previous conversation. My W only wants mind reading when she it comes to her feelings, or if she wants me to tidy up lol! She has said that I should try to read her mind sometimes.
I whole heartedly agree that there has been to many R talks and I am more able to avert these with every passing day. I have kind of lost interest in them. I havent brought one up for over week now (seems short, but long for me). When she brings something up, I listen to what is on her mind and then let it be. I dont try to ignore the fact that she has something to say. I just try to not let it turn into a conversation, just leave it as a chat. She just said to me that she is sorry, so I said what for? She said just generally. I said that she didnt need to worry, as this has actually been a hidden opportunity for me. To use my pain in a constructive way. I feel better now than I actually did this time 6 months ago. She said that she didnt think she has the strengh to do that with her pain. I just said that I didnt think I could either, but we can sometimes surprise ourselves. I left it at that and left the room. Too many R talks I agree, but our talks at the moment are not unproductive and circling downward as the others have. They either bring to light small positives, or I nip them in the bud.
Praying has really helped to give me perspective. Buddism is a pleasant surprise more me.
Cheers
Steve
God I need hugs sometimes. A kiss wouldnt go amiss either lol!
Me 27 W 30 M 2yrs/ T 5yrs Expecting our first child Sept 08 warning bomb (has feelings for someone) 21/12/08 I found out about OM (by snooping) 14/1/08 Living together.
Hi all, Went in to her room with her morning coffee this morning before work. She said she had been up a couple of hours. She said she had been thinking, about me. She can see that I have made a lot of changes, but is not sure that I am still the same man she fell in love with. So I joked, you loved the `lazy steve` more than you love the `new steve`. She said that she really enjoyed taking care of me, and now she sees I dont need taking care of. I told her that wasnt exactly true, I thought she would be able to see I still need her, even though my actions show different. She said that her job took her away from me so she couldnt take care of me. I told her I had always secretly wanted her to quit her job and go for a parttime job. She said that she didnt think she could fall in love with the same man again, so I excused myself at this point. As I was walking out the door she stopped me and told me to forget what she had just said about falling for the same guy, she doesnt know what the future holds.
Why dont women know what they want??? I get into trouble because I was too needy, now she thinks I am not needy enough!!
Any insight into this? Or previously mentioned things about OM.
Cheers
Steve
PS yes I know.... too many R talks!
Last edited by steve477; 02/18/0807:16 AM.
Me 27 W 30 M 2yrs/ T 5yrs Expecting our first child Sept 08 warning bomb (has feelings for someone) 21/12/08 I found out about OM (by snooping) 14/1/08 Living together.
One of the reasons why DB suggest no R talk is that the WAS will come out with all sorts of crazy things which are only a small part of their thought process. Talk to her tomorrow she'll come out with somthing different. If you latch on to a somthing small and think it's the way forward you could end up disappointed.
Originally Posted By: steve477
PS yes I know.... too many R talks!
I would add to this don't believe anything they say and only 50% of what you see. OK there are some positives in what she's thinking about, and if you hadn't had so many R talks previously I'd say that she was testing the waters to see if you are really gaining independance and are a difffent person and if theres a way back for her without her feeling dishonoured. Yes, if you hadn't had so much R talk I'd say your DB'ing was working and making progress.
I will try. I have about a month before we start the S ball rolling. I really want to avoid this. Stop the R talks!
Cheers
Steve
Me 27 W 30 M 2yrs/ T 5yrs Expecting our first child Sept 08 warning bomb (has feelings for someone) 21/12/08 I found out about OM (by snooping) 14/1/08 Living together.
Why dont women know what they want??? I get into trouble because I was too needy, now she thinks I am not needy enough!!
Because she is conflicted - She has OM on her mind, and you are there too. A big part of OM is that you get shoved out of that part of her mind, so you end up getting the brunt of the majority of her problems.
Until OM is out of the picture, you're not going to see much progress - She is going to be up, down, up down. You're going to get dragged over the coals and you just have to try to tolerate it in the most healthy way possible.
You all know me, you know what I do. I am getting better little by little at no R talks, but I really need to get alot better quickly.
Cheers
Steve
Me 27 W 30 M 2yrs/ T 5yrs Expecting our first child Sept 08 warning bomb (has feelings for someone) 21/12/08 I found out about OM (by snooping) 14/1/08 Living together.
