I think we are getting on the same page, and I’m REALLY REALLY glad to see it.
He might consider what his actions would be if he were single and met a woman who in every way met his mother's definition of high-status female except for the fact that she just happened to be a freak in bed. My supposition would be that instead of dumping her he would be popping Viagra like crazy in an effort to keep her.
Yes, that would very likely be the case, but what I was discussing was who that woman (you) would feel, not how I (your various boyfriends) would feel.
However, I do value Cobra's insight because his POV is different from other's on the BB.
Thank you. You are the main reason I decided to post again, after I had decided it was consuming way too much of my time to post here. I kept watching you go down your path over the past few months, saw where you were going, what you were feeling and I though I saw why you were still being hurt. Everyone else was being a good friend to you. They all have you in their best interests, but I think the feel good support was actually digging you deeper into your hole.
I realize that the reason that I am angry at my 2bx is that I am blaming him for the fact that I know that I haven't acted in a manner that my father would respect since my separation.
If you remember, Nop used to focus on guilt as a major driver of self-destructive actions by “the infidel.” More and more I see guilt pushing women to take action (either good or bad) than I see this in men. But that is part of what makes a woman a woman, isn’t it? It makes up part of the mix that helps to create different flavors of empathy. Its just that too much can be bad (like anything else in a relationship).
That's why I am so anxious. I feel like some punishment is going to fall down on me from above. It's kind of like I'm "allowed" to have sex like a boy but only if I follow the rules of honor that boys from my father's social class have to follow. The problem is that the message he also gave was "otherwise I'm kind of low-class like my mother". So, in a sense, I've been trying to f*ck my mother's value system by f*cking intelligent assertive upwardly-mobile men from impoverished backgrounds and thereby be better able to accept the part of me that is like my mother.
Yes, I can see that, and could that punishment be rejection? Now, if you were doing all those things to subconsciously gain approval from your parents (via the surrogate fathers who were your boyfriends), then maybe you can see why you were headed for trouble. Your recent real-world experience seems to bear that out, doesn’t it?
BUT, if you are having sex because that is central to your values and morality, then I can’t see how someone calling you a “freak” would bother you at all. IMO, you might see such a person not as someone looking down on you, but rather someone who is just not sufficiently enlightened or developed to understand you higher meaning of sex. You might feel sad for that person’s lack of understanding or appreciation of sex, but I would hope you would not see it as having anything to do with you being deficient or a moron. Does this make sense?
(For all the others reading this thread and trying to work on their relationships, just learn to read the signs and ask if they make sense. Do the reactions you see square with the claims the other person makes about him/herself. The patterns will always repeat.)
I loved my semi-bawdy cuddly Rosie the Riveter grandmother and I loved my nice guy cuddly gentleman father and everything my non-cuddly mother stood for operated in rejection or opposition to them and I found it difficult to love or respect her.
Isn’t that the truth, and isn’t that the irony of how this damn FOO works! How many people have you known that hate one of their parents, yet have either unknowingly grown up to be just like that person they hate or they have hooked up with a reincarnation of that person as a spouse. So your mother was non-cuddly. You do know how all this works, right? Even though you hated her non-cuddliness, that is all you knew. So no wonder your exH seemed familiar and comfortable enough for you to date and marry. Even though you may have hated that part of him, it was familiar. Even though you wanted cuddliness more than anything, you did not really know what that was like, you never grew up with it, so when you got it, you didn’t know what to do with it, just as Burgbud said. Damn FOO!
I also think there might be some feminism in the mix. Of the “feminists” I have known (and married), they all seem to focus their sense of self by defining what they are not, what they will not tolerated, or won’t do. Because they never defined what they are or what they do want, when it does come along they either don’t recognize it or don’t know what to do with it in order to keep it. I thank Corri for helping to better understand this dynamic.
However, when I operate in relation to an upwardly-mobile African-American man, I gain acceptance of my mother's value system because I can feel how important it is to him not to be viewed as "raggedy" and I can sense the struggle to achieve his current status against society's oppression.
OK, I can understand this, but that is HIS struggle and HIS issue, not yours. Don’t try to gain his acceptance by being so understanding of his struggles. Let him accept you for you, and don’t try to buy his indebtedness to you because you are a white woman who understands the black man’s struggle. That starts to drift into manipulation.
I understood that it was important that "we look good together" when I was dating GP and I tried not to let him down.
Uh huh… important to whom…. you or him??? And who was it that you didn’t want to be let down… you or him???
Also, it really is the case that I am more sexually attracted to men who are bold like my mother but I am more likely to love a man who is sweet like my father. That is why I want to find one who is both.
Good, then find one because that is what you want and not what you need.
