So, tonight turned out not to be so good. I guess I forgot that R talks are bad. Actually the R talk was started by H...and I guess continued by me. I don't think he really meant to start it, that is just where the conversation went.
I brought up OW again. I asked again if it ever got physical, he said no. Then I asked him if he wanted it to...he said yes. I guess at least he was honest. Doesn't make it hurt any less. I guess I always knew that but he has always said no. He told me it was just nice to have attention from someone. H has very low self esteem. When he went to Iraq he lost some weight and got very muscular. He has always been very self concious about his teeth...so when he got back and we had some extra money I suggested that he get his teeth fixed. He did, and from what he says people started noticing him. He said OW just gave him attention and it felt good. I asked if I didn't give him attention and make him feel good. I have always thought my H was very hot and have let him know that very often. He said that yes I did pay attention to him but I HAD to. OW didn't HAVE to, that it just felt good that someone was attracted to him purley based on looks, which he said he had never had. IMO, my H is WAY out of OW's league and was probably surprised he would even give her the time of day. Anyway, I guess my point is that I couldn't win here. No matter what I did, H would have still maitained that I was just trying to make him feel good or saying things because I had to.
He talks about our M like it was no big deal to him. He says he just did it because it seemed like the logical next step. That is not true. He still says he isn't sure what he wants.
I feel like I am right back to that day he left me. I want to be done. I am seriously considering filing. I deserve way better than this. I really feel like I hate him right now. I hate him for causing all this pain just because some whore showed him attention...doesn't he have any self control or morals?? He is not the man I married and not the kind of person I want to be with.
I know there are people on here that have waited years for their spouses...but maybe I am just not that strong. I want a husband that loves me, I want a family, I want kids. I feel like I need to move on to have any chance of that. I wish I would have just let him go. I wish I wouldn't have let him back in my life. I was starting to feel happy again and now I am back at square one. I guess I am going to cry myself to sleep tonight...which I haven't done since probably August. Why did he say all those things about working it out???? Did he not hurt me enough the first time?
