OW and OW's H knew exactly how things stood. OW was willing to leave, (and did), her own children!!!!!!
Reasons not to contact OW - she doesn't give a fig about you - if she did she wouldn't be involved with your H. You contacting her will show her that you are feeling threatened and weak. It will probably leave you feeling bad. However much you want them to say "I'm sorry, I'll stop seeing your H straight away", the chances are she won't.
Reason for not contacting OW's H is that he already knows and won't do anything about it.
Personally, I go for truth and getting it out in the open and making sure all parties in the two couples involved know. I was the last one of the four to find out and I was the one who blew the whole thing out of the water and got my M back. However, as soon as you start contacting and involving more people you lose any sense of control and the fallout can be nasty. It's not something to be done lightly.
Like Sara, I had a child contact OW off their own back; that was more effective than when I contacted her. It shook her to the core and made her realise her fantasy of being a stepmom to my kids and living happily ever after was just pure rubbish. I was sorry my D was ever put in the position when she felt she had to make a call like that but boy was I proud of her.
Bottom line - you can't rely on goodwill of OW or OW's H - they will look out only for themselves.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
It has been really hard for me to let go of the fact that these two people continue on to play me for a fool and get away with it. It should be against the law for people to sleep with M spouses.
I have tried almost everything and the A continues...now I suspect it is failing.We'll see...
When I first found out I confronted OW immediately. Then H. Of course they both denied it. They both told me that I only knew half of what I think I know. To this day I don't know what that meant.
I told everyone!!
For months I tried everything to catch them and to expose and prove the A. I failed. She has done this before and is very good at what she does.
I have talked to OW a few times. She is very cruel and to this day claims to have not done anything wrong. That he came to her. That he told her that he was getting a D. That it's not her fault that I can't keep my H at home. That she is 42 yrs old and can do what she wants.
A few months ago H used me (i believe) to try and end things with her. He set it up for me to catch her at his house. He claimed that he was tired of hiding it and was going to tell his family and everyone. That if they couldn't accept her he was out of here, going to move away. Two days later he ended it with her. I pursued him and a month later they were back on.
Since then I have stopped trying to catch them. I have been trying to let it alone to work itself out. I have only called her a couple of times when I know that he has spent the night with her. (can't help myself) I guess I do this because I NEED to hear the truth, I never get it. I am so angry, I can't let it be. I figure if I can't stop them being together I can at least bother them and make there time together not so pleasant. It has gained me nothing...
Recently I have let them go...I do nothing. I haven't called her phone in quite awhil. I don't drive by her house. I don't drive by his. This week it sounds like he is trying to end it with her.
So when they say...There is NOTHING you can do...I believe it. Maybe you'll get lucky and what you do you get results. But I believe it is just that, LUCK.
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
I must apologize that I haven't had time to read the who thread, but this comes to mind...
From the way I read DB and Michele, there is only one rule…. If what you are doing is working, do more of it. If what you are not doing is not working, try something else.” Oh sure, there are variations of this, and I believe my favorite is “When you are contemplating doing something, first consider how it will serve your goals. If it will bring you closer to them, do it. If it will drive you further away, consider something else.”
Goals here are your long term goals, how you want this entire situation to be resolved, not your immediate sense of justice and vengance.
Think about it before you make any rash decisions.
When I realized what was going on it had been in progress about 9 months. I asked H first, he denied it. I called ow, she denied anything but admitted she had been a pest. I called ow's H and when he talked to her that night he found out she had rented an apartment and was moving out in a few days.
Mostly all it accomplished was giving H the reason he wanted to justify how bad I was and why he could hate me and why he should leave. That was May 2004, and he's not gone yet although there are times I wish he was and would be man enough to follow thru what he says he wanted. Of course the flip side of that is that I haven't been woman enough to make him follow thru either.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Much food for thought. I now know, for sure, that I have no interest in contacting OW. I don't want to waste a single breath on her. It's the reactions my H has had when I bring OW up (he gets nasty, and isn't a nasty guy, and continues to deny, deny, deny) that makes me think that he is scared of me in respect to hurting OW. That makes me want to do it. I'm not wanting to do it to hurt anyone. I just want the truth out. That's what makes me the most angry and disappointed...all the lying. I just want to shake up the fantasy world they're living in. I have had people around me, who are supporting me through this, who are likely thinking more clearly than I am who tell me to absolutely NOT contact anyone - that it would only do a disservice to me in the long run. That said, my own 70-year-old-37years-married-mother said today that I should get a divorce lawyer. At this point, I feel as though there is nothing to lose.
Me: 38 H: 41 D13 D10 S7 M: 15 years T: 17 years Discovery of EA: 10/07 Suspected PA Trial separation: 1/31/08
Much food for thought. I now know, for sure, that I have no interest in contacting OW. I don't want to waste a single breath on her. It's the reactions my H has had when I bring OW up (he gets nasty, and isn't a nasty guy, and continues to deny, deny, deny) that makes me think that he is scared of me in respect to hurting OW. That makes me want to do it. I'm not wanting to do it to hurt anyone. I just want the truth out. That's what makes me the most angry and disappointed...all the lying. I just want to shake up the fantasy world they're living in. I have had people around me, who are supporting me through this, who are likely thinking more clearly than I am who tell me to absolutely NOT contact anyone - that it would only do a disservice to me in the long run. That said, my own 70-year-old-37years-married-mother said today that I should get a divorce lawyer. At this point, I feel as though there is nothing to lose.
Me: 38 H: 41 D13 D10 S7 M: 15 years T: 17 years Discovery of EA: 10/07 Suspected PA Trial separation: 1/31/08
Much food for thought. I now know, for sure, that I have no interest in contacting OW. I don't want to waste a single breath on her. It's the reactions my H has had when I bring OW up (he gets nasty, and isn't a nasty guy, and continues to deny, deny, deny) that makes me think that he is scared of me in respect to hurting OW. That makes me want to do it. I'm not wanting to do it to hurt anyone. I just want the truth out. That's what makes me the most angry and disappointed...all the lying. I just want to shake up the fantasy world they're living in. I have had people around me, who are supporting me through this, who are likely thinking more clearly than I am who tell me to absolutely NOT contact anyone - that it would only do a disservice to me in the long run. That said, my own 70-year-old-37years-married-mother said today that I should get a divorce lawyer. At this point, I feel as though there is nothing to lose.
Me: 38 H: 41 D13 D10 S7 M: 15 years T: 17 years Discovery of EA: 10/07 Suspected PA Trial separation: 1/31/08
Much food for thought. I now know, for sure, that I have no interest in contacting OW. I don't want to waste a single breath on her. It's the reactions my H has had when I bring OW up (he gets nasty, and isn't a nasty guy, and continues to deny, deny, deny) that makes me think that he is scared of me in respect to hurting OW. That makes me want to do it. I'm not wanting to do it to hurt anyone. I just want the truth out. That's what makes me the most angry and disappointed...all the lying. I just want to shake up the fantasy world they're living in. I have had people around me, who are supporting me through this, who are likely thinking more clearly than I am who tell me to absolutely NOT contact anyone - that it would only do a disservice to me in the long run. That said, my own 70-year-old-37years-married-mother said today that I should get a divorce lawyer. At this point, I feel as though there is nothing to lose.
Me: 38 H: 41 D13 D10 S7 M: 15 years T: 17 years Discovery of EA: 10/07 Suspected PA Trial separation: 1/31/08
Much food for thought. I now know, for sure, that I have no interest in contacting OW. I don't want to waste a single breath on her. It's the reactions my H has had when I bring OW up (he gets nasty, and isn't a nasty guy, and continues to deny, deny, deny) that makes me think that he is scared of me in respect to hurting OW. That makes me want to do it. I'm not wanting to do it to hurt anyone. I just want the truth out. That's what makes me the most angry and disappointed...all the lying. I just want to shake up the fantasy world they're living in. I have had people around me, who are supporting me through this, who are likely thinking more clearly than I am who tell me to absolutely NOT contact anyone - that it would only do a disservice to me in the long run. That said, my own 70-year-old-37years-married-mother said today that I should get a divorce lawyer. At this point, I feel as though there is nothing to lose.
Me: 38 H: 41 D13 D10 S7 M: 15 years T: 17 years Discovery of EA: 10/07 Suspected PA Trial separation: 1/31/08
