Meredith - your 5 years..

[CMNM]

Before I head off to bed..
can I say this:
23? He's 41?
Yuck, yuck, and double yuck.

I am shaking my head in wonder here.

Hang in there,
Pam

P.S. Working, writing, walking? Got any GALs that start with any other letters? And involve other people?
No disrespect intended here. I just know that I can only stand myself so much, and other people help me to take my mind off of things.

[Meredith]

Look at all the progress here

You've covered the bases, so I won't reiterate what has already been said.

It IS hard to feel forgotten like an outgrown toy. It IS hard to see your life veering off down a different path from your husband's. It IS hard to know that your 41 year old husband is now dating a child. All of that is incredibly difficult.

So, what are we going to do about it?

I'm not sure if this a "dad" weekend for your D11, but if it is, where are you going to rush off tonight? Can you call a friend to set up a drink date? Can you buy a movie ticket online for a movie you've been wanting to see? Can you make an appointment to get your hair/nails/whatever done? What would you really look forward do doing?

What is something that you've wanted to learn or wanted to dedicate more time to? Google around and find a group to join. If there isn't one, you start one. Then you can pick Friday at 6pm to have the meetings

Work is good, and it can pass the time and push you to your challenge limits. HOWEVER, (and this is coming from someone who considers a 50 hour workweek 'slow') it cannot define who you are. You need to step outside of your comfort zone and try something new.

Hell woman, I played softball for a season! 'Played' is a term that I should use loosely, but I did meet some great people that I worked with. I also embarassed myself to new heights, but I learned to laugh instead of cry.

Reach out there and join something. A writing class, even. Just force yourself back out into the world.

Cagz, you are no looser. If there truly is one winner and one looser in every situation - look at it like this. If things remain as they are and you forge a new way for yourself into a life rich with writing, new activities, a new level of physical fitness, great friends, travel, etc... and he's sitting at home with a 23 year old child fawning over him ---- who is the looser here????

What you lost is a marriage that wasn't working. What you are going to gain is either a marriage that does work OR a life that does work. Either way, you're coming out ahead here. I know that is hard to see now, it was hard for me too. But then one day I heard "yes" to the divorce question in my calm and I knew, I had made it.

So what is it going to be? Your new personal challenge is _____. Your steps to make it yours are _______. It starts ______.

Fill in the blanks, baby! We're going on a wild ride!

[cagzmom]

i am on just quick tonight but DANG IT...i am realizing that i have to do things for just me and that is so stinkin' new to me.

i go see my c tomorrow---more then.

thank you
and if anyone else is reading this post...please here me

i have been searching this BB for ANSWERs. and i still love my h-still wish he woudl come home. BUT THIS is not about that..the entire journey I truly understand..it is about finding ME AGAIN. i hope you do to.

[CMNM]

have been searching this BB for ANSWERs. and i still love my h-still wish he woudl come home. BUT THIS is not about that..the entire journey I truly understand..it is about finding ME AGAIN. i hope you do to.

Amen.

C, I know too that I used to avoid anyone who wanted to tell me that there was happiness even when separated or (gasp) divorced. I was constantly looking for someone who "made" it and was reunited. But guess what? If the hard work (like you're doing now) wasn't done by those people, I sooner or later saw them right back here.

Work on loving yourself right now. The rest of your life will begin to fall in place after that.

Oh, and by the way, don't ever refer to yourself as a loser. Mer and I don't hang out with losers!
(Well, maybe Mer does....)

Here's to a fabulous Saturday.

Pam

[CMNM]

i am realizing that i have to do things for just me and that is so stinkin' new to me.

I hear ya. I have a real hard time with this, still. But, my sons seem to respect me more now that I am doing for me. They do give me a hard time when I buy myself flowers, but whatever...

[a new 2moro]

[color:#000099]this a great thread! wow what a great discussion going on! I just wanted to chime in!/color]

[cagzmom]

During counseling my C suggested I watch "Good Will Hunting". I have seen it before but he wanted me to..so being the good little student I did. =)

Both Will and Sean in the movie are at the SAME place in life. AND it is where I am..."life after" It is time for Cagzmom to build a life after. And I am. Neither one wanted to....but to sit by and not LET MYSELF go forward and check out this new phase...well that is just plain not a good idea. Baby steps...but I am ready.

So many fantastic "thoughts" this past week. So many...and the word try has begun to LEAVE my vocabulary. It is do or literally die inside. AND I AM TIRED of dieing inside. LIFE. It is time for life.

Love the idea of buying yourself flowers..I have thought of that too.

Some thing I have done for me in the past month.
1) Manicure with my daughter (girlz night)
2) Went to the mall and got our makeup done AND I SPLURGED on
new cleanser, eye makeup (i know I hadn't done this in at
least 5 years!)
3) Got tennis rackets at Play it again sports and played tennis
with my daughter
4) Made an offer on a house today (if it doesn't happen I am so
at peace - that means God wants me to stay here and I am ok
with that)(GOT MAJORLY PROUD after I told me son 19---- i
texted him and told him I made the offer...he texted back "I
am proud of you..." HAVING HIM SEE ME GROW (and my d11) has
been huge!

I have also noticed a little trap that happens when you are the LBS. THE GUILT factor of doing things JUST FOR YOU - is a terribly easy trap to fall into. This is yet another NEW thing I have to work on - the guilt of "being selfish for me" and not doing for d11 or s19. BUT it is loosing its hold cause I see it now!

Things I would like to do in the next month:

1) GET TO THE Y in the AM -- I like how I feel and it is a must (the divorce diet has been good to me and I would like to stay like this)

2) Learn to cook something new and cool once a week or even once a month.

That is all i have for now...

I do miss people and am praying about that. It is hard finding your fit in the misfit place. Even in church - which "groups" do you go to fit into? I can't do singles -- cause I am still married. I dont want to a do a divorced group (even my C said shouldn't) cause I am not officially D yet. That part of this is hard BUT ATTAINABLE.

Hmmm weekends are tough. Don't like um. But I have almost made it through another one....

[CMNM]

CZM, (There, that's an easier name!)

Ooh, I love Good Will Hunting. So, you're doing your own version of "going to see about a girl," huh? Good for you! (BTW, I totally understand that this means a change in lifestyle and a loosening of the death grip you had on the past, not in any ways indicative of finding a new person in your life. Just wanted to make that clear!) Don't be afraid of looking towards the future in a positive way. I know that I didn't want to do that for the longest time, as to me it meant admitting to myself that my R was really over.

So many fantastic "thoughts" this past week. So many...and the word try has begun to LEAVE my vocabulary. It is do or literally die inside. AND I AM TIRED of dieing inside. LIFE. It is time for life.

I hope this doesn't sound condescending, but I am so proud of you for this!!! Mer, Betsey, and I used to say "Go You!," so I'm giving you a big GO YOU here!!!

Your list over the past month is wonderful. Yes, it is important for your children to see you grow. I realized what damage I was doing to my own children by being so malleable in my own situation. No matter how my H treated me, I was always there for him, with a smile on my face, trying to make things better for him. Yeah, not for ME, but for him. How screwed up was that? And one day I realized that I was teaching my kids (all boys) that this is what a woman is...and in a roundabout way I was teaching them how not to respect one. I HATED that idea. So, I started to do more for myself, and more importantly, demand more from them, too. The level of respect rose around here exponentially. (Kinda like the Grinch's heart growing!)

I can't stress to you enough how much I love my gym time. I take classes, so I am surrounded by other people and challenged (I am not good at the alone thing).
As for cooking- great idea! Try allrecipes.com, all the recipes are rated on there and I have found some really good things.
When I am stressed I bake or cook. Last week I was bogged down in so much homework, yet there I was, in the kitchen trying my hand at homemade pierogies. (They were great, by the way!)

Have a fabulous Sunday! You're almost through another weekend!!!

Hugs,
Pam

[cagzmom]

[quote=CMNM]CZM, (There, that's an easier name!)

Ooh, I love Good Will Hunting. So, you're doing your own version of "going to see about a girl," huh? Good for you! (BTW, I totally understand that this means a change in lifestyle and a loosening of the death grip you had on the past, not in any ways indicative of finding a new person in your life. Just wanted to make that clear!) Don't be afraid of looking towards the future in a positive way. I know that I didn't want to do that for the longest time, as to me it meant admitting to myself that my R was really over.

Yep yep and uh huh! Admitting that what was is no more. Does it mean that I am not standing? HECK NO! But it is admitting that this journey is no longer about him but me. AND I LOVE him and the nature of love is to sacrifice...yet now he has left and because of that he doesn't get to have that side of me anymore.

I can't stress to you enough how much I love my gym time. I take classes, so I am surrounded by other people and challenged (I am not good at the alone thing).

My excercise journey -- you ready?
Started working out 11 years ago - ended up doing some 5K's-- a couple 20K's and then did a marathon in 2004. IT IS NOW 2008!! AHHHH!! How did time go so fast.

I have worked out off and on since living here - and it has been hard to find my nitch here. All the other places we lived I taught aerobics and kickboxing and did my running thing. Here it has been a challenge...but it has been there. I AM READY to regain that side of me 100%. Really want my runnning back. I WAS GOOD at it. NOT FAST at all but consistant. Getting up at 4:45am to go workout alone is hard...but good grief this past year ALONE was hard so I really need to just suck it up and get there!

You haven't told me your "Short version" of your story. Whats yours? Where is your H today?

[CMNM]

Oh my, you're a runner? Oh, I respect that! Can't do it, but I can respect it from afar!!! Like I said, I have to be in a class..it keeps me honest. If I were out on my own for a run, well...I'd shave off lots of distance and call it "good enough."

My "short" story? BWAAAAHAHA (that was intended to be one of those ridiculous types of laughs)
Is there such a thing here?

I will make it as concise as possible:

Married 20+ years (I was kinda young when I got married)
Ups and downs like all relationships, but further down for him, I guess than I ever imagined. He never told me, he says he tried but if he mentioned the slightest issue to me I would act like it was over between us. So, he stopped mentioning and ate lots of resentment over the years.

I won't go into the various people that have come and gone within this relationship as to make this story shorter.

He moved out with a friend (male) in Oct. 2004. He was gone a couple of weeks. He called me and wanted to come home, and did. We went to counseling and it somehow ended up that the counselor thought he had way more things to discuss than I did, so she told me to stop going for a bit. I realize now I should have never gone along with that. He went to C alone for quite awhile, then quit saying that he didn't think it was going anywhere. In the meantime, we were trudging along.

In the fall of '05, he told me he wanted to go back to the C. I was happy, as I though that meant that we were on the healing track. Wrong. He finally 'fessed up and said that it was because he found himself looking at apartments and it scared him.

Oct. '05 he moved into his own place. He wanted to get himself together. He signed a 6 month lease as if to prove this were the truth.

We had pretty much constant contact, I thought. I mean, we never really went more than a couple of days without him being here.

In Jan of last year we really got close to reconciling. He had me over to his apartment for the first time ever, and it seemed that we were really moving in the right direction.
In Feb I got a little over anxious and started questioning "where are we? What are we doing? Where is this going?" and he got angry and said that I could never just let things happen, that I always had to push. So, he said he was done.

It took a long time to recover from that.

Eventually we started moving in the right direction, again, but each time we got close he would back away. I think I gave him an ultimatum in the summer, so he filed. He says now that he didn't know what else to do; that something needed to change and he didn't know how else to change it.

We were the weirdest almost divorced couple you would ever see. Somehow those papers changed a lot and we were able to become friends again...not that we weren't before, but somehow better.

Still though, we would get so close then he would back away again.

All the time we were going to all of our meetings for the D.

In Jan. we went to mediation. We hashed everythng out and it was all done except for the court date. Court was scheduled for this Tues., as a matter of fact.

On Monday of last week he was supposed to go to his L's for the paperwork and I guess instructions for court. I opted out of court. No thanks!
He called me and said he had the stuff, could we talk about it. I really didn't want to look at all those papers again, but I agreed.

On Wed. he came over and said that he asked for a delay. He could only get 10 days, so now the D is scheduled for the 29th of this month.

He also took this opportunity to lay a BUNCH of stuff on me that I am not sure I wanted to know. Just things about the last couple of years that he had been lying about. He said it was why we would get so close and then he would bail; It was because he knew he had to tell me the truth about some things.

He said he wanted to "try again," but could make no promises. He was hoping for a fresh start.

It's been quite a week for me, as you can see.

Today we went out for lunch and a movie. We had to stop by his place for a bit before he brought me home, and unfortunately I lost it once again. I don't know if I have it in me to keep doing this. He can only offer me so much at this time, and I am scared that it just isn't enough. Plus, I need time to process all of the stuff he laid in my lap last week. I am not doing well at it.

He wants all to be well and good and happy, and I think my emotional outbursts will scare him off before I ever get the chance to make a decision anyway.

I cried all the way home, and that was about an hour ago. SO that is the up to the minute synopsis for you.

Ugh. Now, I have a term paper due on Friday that I have not even begun. So, if you find me making any more long posts like this, please be kind enough to say, "get back to work!"

And, don't keep Mer too tied up. She is kindly helping me sort through all of this mess! She is about the only person who can have me in tears one moment then laughing hysterically the next.

Off to figure out this term paper mess. I really just want to crawl under a blanket and cry for the next week instead, though.

Please tell me it is possible to pump out a paper in 5 days. Please, please, please. I need to believe it is possible!