I kept thinking that perhaps I wouldn't have to explain all of this to her right now. But that doesn't seem to be the case. I hate that all of these kids have to learn such difficult leassons so early in life.
I am going to get ready to go to church. I could really use it today.
Thanks again.
Love, Shades
Shades, your STBX and this OW are going to be around just enough to be a pain in the ass. I am dealing with a similar sitch, because the children I have were my sister's and she has been dead for 4 years. Unfortunately for me, the bioligical father is still around, but only sees them occassionally at best. Just enough to fill thier heads with B.S. and just generally be a pain. Problem with all of this is the kids suffer, no one else, but in saying that, most people don't give a rat's rear end who they hurt as long as they get to do what they want to. Bottom line of all of this is, you either have to deal with it, or shoot them. LOL
Problem with all of this is the kids suffer, no one else, but in saying that, most people don't give a rat's rear end who they hurt as long as they get to do what they want to. Bottom line of all of this is, you either have to deal with it, or shoot them. LOL
Braveheart you kill me!!! LOL!!!
Yes I think they will continue to be a pain in the butt. Even when the D papes are signed I don't think it will change the dynamics unfortunately.
I have not heard from the kids. Granted, they were spending the day in the city so I don't really expect to hear from them until later. But I miss them and just wanted to hear the little voices this morning. At least they will be home tomorrow afternoon.
I do worry about what STBX and ow have said to them. I know they think I have been trying to sabotage their R with the kids, which is so far from the truth it is laughable. But they live in their little fantasy land and I'm sure are quite pleased with themselves this weekend.
At church today the priest was talking about how we should not blame God for our stuggles but that we need to embrace our struggles and transform ourselves into who God wants us to be. I went into church asking God to let the message reach my heart today, He did.
Not that I am going to roll over and be so forgiving that I don't stand up for myself. I am done making STBXs life easier. I am trying to forgive him for all he has done, I'm not there yet but I'm working on it.
Right now I just need to know when he gets a job and then I don't want to talk to him for a very long time.
I am still going to talk with D9 tomorrow evening. I will be honest and truthful. I can do no more than that.
Another perspective. The more you defend yourself/explain yourself, the temptation to let blame lie where it does is great.
Give your daughter an open forum of asking questions. Tell her you will tell her the truth. Answer her questions and do not elaborate. Let her ask the question to get the details. You will feel like you have not defended yourself and your choices, but you did what you have to do. Don't play his game and justify what you are doing. Your daughter will know when she has had enough information. Remember, this is about what she needs, not what you need. She asks, you answer with as much brevity as possible. Economy of language is going to get you farther in her eyes that someone volunteering the "truth". You are doing what your child needs. I know you know that your girls need to salvage some love for their dad. No, he does not deserve it, and I am glad you are not making life easier for him any longer. But you sound like you are going to volunteer TOO much. Does this make sense?
BTW, this advice was given to me in regards to my own daughters asking about sex! It works in all instances. You will win awards for being a good mommy, and adult woman.
Bomb 1/06 D dismissed 11/07, attempt reconciliation. Premature. Divorce final October 31, 2008. OW looks like bad history. Over. Still hopeful. Baby steps. In R with my X.
I had wondered how much was too much for her. After all she is only 9. I like the idea of her asking questions, although I think I will have to volunteer some info as she doesn't like to open up too much and assumes a lot.
I always thought that they would learn from my actions but in this instance I think answering her questions and being honest with her will go a long way to easing her mind.
I do find myself defensive about this situation and I need to just let the cards fall where they may sometimes instead of taking the offensive.
I'm glad I had last night and today to let this sink in before I talk with her. I feel I can approach it with a more level head and less hostility.
She will ask only as much as she is willing to hear. To get her to open up, tell her you know her well, and want her to be peaceful with the course her life is taking. You just heard in her voice that not everything is OK. I want you to ask me anything you want to know or need to know. I love you always. I want you to know that I will tell you the truth.
And then just answer her questions yes, or no if it is that type of question, and be very careful to answer only the question that she is asking. You want her to construct her own knowledge, based on what she has found out this weekend. Just tell the truth. She will figure it out and come back with more questions when the time is right for her.
Bomb 1/06 D dismissed 11/07, attempt reconciliation. Premature. Divorce final October 31, 2008. OW looks like bad history. Over. Still hopeful. Baby steps. In R with my X.
I don't even know what to say. I actually want to get in my car, grab Lis and we could practice our boxing skills on OW...and then we could go rescue your daughter.
It's going to be OK, she will be home with you soon and you can cuddle with her and make all the icky stuff go away.
Sending you love and prayers.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Ow is in the background saying that she is invovled in this that she is going to LOVE those girls like her own blah, blah, blah.
I don't think I'm calm about this one yet, but let me try.
I think you sitting down with D9 is not the best thing right now. Let her come to you.
She has a whirlwind of info in her head and her heart. It is very hard on them. Moises shuts down when he has heard to much.
I nipped all this crap in the bud with Susan very early on. I am the mother, you don't say [censored] to my kids. If you do and find out, I will come see you and see what you will tell me in my face about it
yup no Dbing involved there, They are my children, and they will not be put in this weird situation.
The OW in the case is a ballzy beootch. I think you will have to have some communication with her sooner or later. Will it bring, your H and her more together, i know at this point you don't give a [censored] about that. You only care about your D's.
I agree with Holly, let her tell you stuff, let her tell you things that go on.
She will get it
Jav told the kids we fought to much, that is why he left. And my son looked at his father and said, but i only remember all of us cuddling on the sofa.
The writing journal, has been my saving grace with the kids.
Maybe try it. Sometimes that can't tell me things face to face, so they write it for me.
I respond in the journal too. We put it under each other's pillows. When we want the other to read it.
I also have told the children on a need to know basis.
I don't dwell on speaking to the kids about the Divorce or the seperation, or Susan.
It is way to much for them
They feel like they need to protect us. I try not to put my kids in a parental role, where they feel they have to protect me.
Susan knows that I will not tolerate stuff when it comes to my kids. Javier knows it as well.
My mother has also told Javier um, she is not part of this family, therefore, she is not part of the kids lives, in anyway except for a person that may be them an icecream once in a while.
Other than that she will have no major importance. Javier said he would not disrespect her or me in that way.
Let your girls come to you with what they have to say.
It is not important right now as to WHY you are seperated.
It is important now, that they know, even if you are seperated they are the most important, and they are so very loved.
And I know you live your life doing that.
I do not say anything bad about javier to them, but If they ask me something, then I tell them the truth.
I also think that everytime you ask him about his job, he becomes more and more of an ass.
So maybe zip it when it comes to that. You will eventually know what is up.
For now focus on what you can only control.
Love you
and i could imagine how much this hurts
and I am very sorry.
and please hug those babies girls, so hard from titi lis
Last edited by Lissie; 02/17/0811:39 PM.
Live Simply Love Generously Care Deeply Speak Kindly Leave the rest to God
Tried to catch up on the sad things you and your girls are having to go through this weekend.
You have gotten great ideas from good friends that have been through or are going through similar situations. I just wanted to comment on OW. But since the moderators are more active these days, I would probably get censored outa here!
Seriously, you are going to benefit from getting a perspective on OW role here, and establishing some consistent ways of dealing with her. She is a cheater. She is a homewrecker. She is all those things, and maybe more. But she did none of this alone. Your STBX has been in lockstep with her all along. Maybe she is able to control him the way she is trying to control his R with the kids.
She is living her own fantasy as you say. She will completely do what she must and destroy all challengers in order to AVOID coming off as the whore that broke up the M. She will also absolutely refuse to accept any guilt in all this. The more she casts blame your way, the more she can distance herself from such blame.
She will look for every opening to sell her story to the kids. She is running a marketing campaign. And since she is such a control friek she believes she can tell your kids what kind of R they will have with their dad, and eventually with her. She wants to live the picket fence life she took from you.
As for as her story, I don't recall if her H left her for another ho, or if she dumped him to take up with your STBH. But she is going to make him miserable in time and it is the life he couldn't be without. In her mind she surely justifies her every word and deed. There will be NO rational adult dialog with her. To her, you are the defeated enemy and she will have no respect or regard for your concerns. She knows best.
She might explain why your STBX is being so controlling with you now. He doesn't get any say at all in his new life with Mommy Dearest. Ok, so back to your girls. I don't know what to add. Keep loving them. Listen, answer, be honest ... love unconditionally.
