Don't give up!!! I know you are going through a rough time. I am sorry that things are so hard right now.
I was thinking about your situation and this is what I see. Maybe I am wrong. Please tell me if I am. But maybe I am going to hit you with a 2 x 4 now!
What I see is:
you pull a little closer to H (sex calendar, etc)--> H pulls a little closer to you --> Kalni gets mad, frustrated and discouraged because H is not back yet
you pull a little farther away from H --> H pulls a little farther away from you --> Kalni gets mad, frustrated, and discouraged because H is not back yet
Does this make any sense??????
If you need to pull back because you are getting destabilized by the drama, then pull back to protect yourself. But if reaching out in small, friendly ways works, then DO MORE OF WHAT WORKS.
I can't believe that you were born in Kalamata! Does that mean you are made out of mostly olives? (You are what you eat?) Kalamata is where my favorite olives come from!!!
I am sending you LOTS OF MUFFINS are you still going to visit a friend in NYC soon, or did I just imagine that? I was thinking maybe I could ship your muffins to NYC instead of Greece, so they will be fresh and delicious, not moldy !!
Wow!! I didn't think any of you guys would know WHAT Kalamata is!! Yeah T, I eat a lot of olives but I don't look like one (although I have green eyes).
You are right with what you are saying. I have been thinking about this as well, the pattern you recognised is pretty much true. And now he is pulling back but at least he is wondering what's going on. But you know what T, I can't put up with any more of his little small talks over the phone, I can't be feeling I am giving-giving-giving to him and getting nothing back in return. And yes sure he never asked for it, I offered but I need a MAN by myside, to be able to speak out a whole sentence, express A feeling, one thought...(OK that sounds weird, it's the exact opposite of the defitinion of a man-with the excemption of some DBers here). All this time, he never, never told ME anything. He is been sharing his thoughts with others but not me. He hasn't initiated a meeting, a get together, nothing.
I don't know if I am doing the right thing. I have my friends telling me he is trying to find a way to get to me, in his own SLOW pace and facing himself and all the wrong doings he put us through. That's what they feel. I don't see that to be honest.
I backslided DB wise today and goals wise today. I gave him my help regarding Chelsey's soccer team arrival tonight in Athens. He didn't know if their plane is landing at the aiport (it's closed due to snowstorm). So I called my office and found out what he wanted. But I made him ask at least. I did not jump to offer my help as soon as he mentioned it casually. I let him talk, ask the question, say thanks afterwards...
Anyway, my trip to NY will have to wait, cause my friend was scheduled for S. Africa this month. Maybe next month. Your muffins will have to wait. BTW T, if you would like any Greek reciepes, let me know... I am a good cook, even H admitted he misses my cooking.
What would you suggest? I thought of asking him out, but I can't get over the wall we have between us. It feels akward. I don't want to initiate any talks, I don't want to be "available" for him.
I must sound very confused at the moment, because I am... Kalni
I know your H is being so frustrating right now. Can you adjust your expectations? It sounds like you are expecting him to act like he is your H. You are holding him to the standard of a mentally healthy, committed and emotionally available H. But we have to change our expectations when we are dealing with a WAH!! WAH is not mentally healthy. WAH is not committed. WAH is not emotionally available. We have to be so patient... and focus on our own mental health and GAL and have PMA to fuel our comittment. We cannot look to them to fuel our commitment. They are in the middle of a long, painful, confusing process. We cannot hold them to the normal H standard!!
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I can't put up with any more of his little small talks over the phone, I can't be feeling I am giving-giving-giving to him and getting nothing back in return. And yes sure he never asked for it, I offered but I need a MAN by myside, to be able to speak out a whole sentence, express A feeling, one thought... All this time, he never, never told ME anything. He is been sharing his thoughts with others but not me. He hasn't initiated a meeting, a get together, nothing.
Kalni!! You cannot expect him to be there for you right now!! This might come later, and when it does, it will be awesome. But don't be frustrated with him for not being by your side. He needs to go through his own crazy process. If he isn't sharing now that doesn't mean he won't, or even that he won't soon. If he's not initiating now, that doesn't mean he won't in the future. How long has he been gone? This is a process that takes a long time!! Time is on YOUR SIDE, Kalni. Let him figure out his Cr&p!! While you have the best barbeque in all of Greece!
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I thought of asking him out, but I can't get over the wall we have between us. It feels akward. I don't want to initiate any talks, I don't want to be "available" for him.
Wait... you don't want to be available, but you want to ask him out on a date????
Maybe dating is in your future, but you should let HIM initiate. Otherwise you will never get to see how he might return on his own.
Can you remind us, what is the goal of your goal to not help him? Is that for the R, or is that for you? Why is that your goal? I am confused....
Hang in there, Kalni!!!! You have so many good things going for you, don't sabotage your own success with impatience and frustration! Focus on making YOURSELF happy so you do not need HIM to make you happy.
One thing that has helped me is the a DB coach told me the last thing I should expect is rational behavior from my W. He said that WASs aren't in their right mind. They don't straight and aren't dealing with reality.
I know that it doesn't make it better, however for me it makes it easier to understand.
Hi Kalni...maybe you are tired of this battle, but you havent waved the white flag yet. But...your H complimented you! And you said he looked at you like a woman...maybe thats amazing progress? Maybe you are waiting for something huge that these little things dont impact you? But I still see hope for you. And he called several times on V day and wanted to get hold of you...maybe he is softening!?
Your H is a Gemini and you have the moon in Gemini, so yes you have the perfect Male-Female connection with your H. My BF is a Leo and I have the Moon in Leo. The Sun is the male principle and the Moon is the female, so to have them in the same sign that way round is very positive and means you connect on a soul level. So we both have that in our Rs ! I cant see that the eclipse is hitting any catastrophic point in your chart, so maybe it wont be anything significant on that day, but tell me how your week goes.
I have green eyes too!! We are true Pisceans.
I understand what you mean about wanting a man by your side who can express a thought, an emotion, with honesty and integrity. I just had the same conversation with my sister. I wear my heart on my sleeve and its so wierd to realise my BF is the opposite, he holds it all in. To think I just spent 4 wierd hours with him where he is coming to see ME, after dumping me without reason and yet he cant explain what his motivation is for doing that, or show me his real self. I agree with that DB coach, these WAS are not thinking or acting rationally! They are faraway...my BF looked it today.
About the date...if you are feeling a bit like you want to give up, maybe you think, so what, maybe I will chance an invitation? Can you try just something smaller, a lunch, or just stay for a coffee!!??? Instead of jumping straight to asking him on a date? I dont know, I guess it goes against DBing, but maybe you just want something to change, to shift gears. I still think though that he has shown some positive signs in the past week. And it sounds like your friends agree. I really think you sound like an amazing woman and your H is clearly a nut for walking out on you!! More patience, see what this week brings...? Hugs to you!
