Finding my way out of the dark

[mishka422]

This has been a strange day. H took S13 to a movie after we got home from church today. I wasn't feeling very well on the way home from church (nausea) but thought it would pass. I sat outside waiting for H to arrive to take our son. I hadn't seen him in 3 weeks (talked on the phone and texts only)and I just felt a need to get a visual. He arrived and our son came out to get in his car. I waved at him but didn't walk over to the car. He got out of the car and stood by the open door telling me he would pick up our son's meds after the movie and asked me if I needed anything from the store. I told him I didn't need anything and he asked if I was sure because he didn't mind. I again told him that I didn't need anything.

Shortly after that is when I got really sick. I haven't been able to even hold down water since then. Nasty! I decided I had to swallow my pride and ask him to pick up some 7-up and chicken broth while he was at the store. I needed it and knew I couldn't go get it myself. He didn't respond to the text so I had no idea if he was going to do it.

S13 came home and came in my room to tell me he had my 7-up and broth and did I want him to fix me a glass. I sent H a text saying thank you. He responded with "No Prob chica". He hasn't used that term since he left. It warmed my heart. Within a couple of minutes the doorbell rang and it was Pizza Hut delivering two pizza. My son told me that they had stopped by Pizza Hut and his dad had gone inside and ordered pizza to be delivered here and paid for it already. I sent H another message telling him thanks for the pizza and that I wish I weren't sick so I could enjoy it with my son and mom. He sent back "are you sick? I thought so with the 7-up". The only time I ever drink 7-up is when I'm sick to my stomach. I told him yes and I was sorry to have to ask but I knew I couldn't go get it on my own right now. He told me he didn't mind and I told him I knew he didn't but I also knew I was not supposed to ask him for anything unless it had to do with our son. He said well if you're sick and can do something with or for him then I don't mind helping.

That's when I think I blew it. I told him "thank you. hope you're doing ok. I miss you." Uh oh....I miss you. That was probably a BIG mistake wasn't it? I do miss him horribly but I don't want him to feel any pressure. I think it was the illness getting to me and making me really weak and just wanting him here to hold me.

I miss hugs the most. The rest of the physical contact is wonderful, don't get me wrong, but the comfort of his hugs is the hardest thing to do without.

I guess I just need to pull back again and not have any contact with him for a few days. Maybe that will clear my head. We'll see.

Going back to sleep now. This is really kicking my butt!