Dom, I see what you are saying, and I agree to an extent, but I have really tried not to feed the negativity. I know I do sometimes, but there is a lot more coming from her than from me.
you seem to be making excuses. "Well, she's worse than I am!" how bad she is, doesnt matter, in some sense. in my opinion, you should barely even mention her side of the negativity, until your side is zero.
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Last night I gave her a little "side" hug, and said "Happy Anniversary". She said, "Happy Anniversary to you to", in about the flattest, deadest, coldest, voice I could imagine. That was it. I know it took two of us to get to where we are, but for a long time there has only been one of us interested in any different.
Until you can drop pretty much EVERY type of objectionable behaviour to her... she's probably going to pick on even one thing you keep doing "wrong", as justification to not put effort into the marriage.
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DB things really haven't made much difference, she's a WAW except she still lives here.
See above.
From what i read, it takes a Very Long Time, of consistent effort. and while you've had a lackluster marriage for a long time... i dont think you've been "DBing" for that long, comparatively speaking.. right?
and... how long have you been doing it *well*?
maybe you shoudl start the clock, from when you start doing it consistently well, without slipups. that might change your frame of mind.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
I've been following along how you plan to change things and the possible outcomes. I wanted to offer another possibility - nothing will change. W won't budge. That's how it's been with my H. Nothing I do makes an impact and he does or doesn't do whatever he chooses.
DH, your W is comfortable where she is. I didn't say happy, I said comfortable. I think you'll have a hard time getting her to budge. I hope I am wrong and you won't be stuck like I am.
Research and check the laws in your state about custody issues for the spouse who leaves the house. Whether that ends up you or W, you need to know the legalities.
When you have your conversation, do have all the possibilities ready to choose from and make action follow the words. Don't put yourself into stronger and longer limbo.
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maybe you shoudl start the clock, from when you start doing it consistently well, without slipups. that might change your frame of mind.
Wow Dom R, DBing without slipups? that's a lofty goal! How do we do that?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Found you in my own mind- Brad Pitt in Meet Joe Black (in the tuxedo!)
So my next question, given that it seems as though W has always wanted to be right, is how did you used to handle conflict compared to how you do it now? I hope it's OK to ask .....as I wonder if there are extreme 180s that could be tried (even if it means you seranading W outside her window- have you given that a go? I'd love it!) before moving to something more serious.
Things are OK on this side of the pond. I went to my friends' house for Sunday lunch today. No contact from H and I'm a bit worried that he'll think I don't care about him because I didn't reply to his text on Thurs or ask how his other interview went on Friday. Then again, he didn't send me a VD card- I could easily imagine he doesn't care about me much myself! (Minor hijack there- sorry!)
Dom, I really appreciate what you are saying. I have been givig her space, and really, not being negative for a long time. To stop all of my objectionable behavior, I think I would have to stop breathing, and I am not prepared to go that far. If I get even an inkling that she is interested, I will go on, but things can't be like this.
Originally Posted By: WCW
Barging in with interest. bang clatter splat!
I've read your threads forever! (I guess that's not such a great thing, huh?) It's good to meet you!
Originally Posted By: WCW
DH, your W is comfortable where she is. I didn't say happy, I said comfortable. I think you'll have a hard time getting her to budge. I hope I am wrong and you won't be stuck like I am.
I fear you may be right here. With the exception of the lack of an OM, I think my W and you H are similar in that regard. Living this way just doesn't seem to bother them.
Originally Posted By: WCW
Research and check the laws in your state about custody issues for the spouse who leaves the house. Whether that ends up you or W, you need to know the legalities.
I need to do this, just to be sure.
Originally Posted By: WCW
When you have your conversation, do have all the possibilities ready to choose from and make action follow the words. Don't put yourself into stronger and longer limbo.
This is a good point, when I do this, I can't let the status quo be a acceptable outcome.
Thanks again for stopping by, I really appreciate it!
I've read your threads forever! (I guess that's not such a great thing, huh?) It's good to meet you!
Really? well great, and thanks for all your opinions too! Nah, I'm not really mad but if you've been reading 'forever' then you do know you don't want your sitch to go like my sitch.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Found you in my own mind- Brad Pitt in Meet Joe Black (in the tuxedo!)
So my next question, given that it seems as though W has always wanted to be right, is how did you used to handle conflict compared to how you do it now? I hope it's OK to ask .....as I wonder if there are extreme 180s that could be tried (even if it means you seranading W outside her window- have you given that a go? I'd love it!) before moving to something more serious.
Things are OK on this side of the pond. I went to my friends' house for Sunday lunch today. No contact from H and I'm a bit worried that he'll think I don't care about him because I didn't reply to his text on Thurs or ask how his other interview went on Friday. Then again, he didn't send me a VD card- I could easily imagine he doesn't care about me much myself! (Minor hijack there- sorry!)
L.xx
Oh, my.....you will be seriously disappointed if we ever meet! But, it will do for now!
I am a conflict avoider! I expect that in the past, I've swallowed stuff, and then done passive aggressive things to try to make a point. I really don't think I'm doing that any more, but it is her expectation, so it is hard to beat. I think we both could use some "lessons" in that! Hopefully she'll be interested. I really can't think of any extreme 180's I can do....though the seranading is an interesting one! I don't think she'd go for it though! I think the only way to figure out what he wants at this point is to ask her, which is more of less the plan. Maybe someone else could do differently, but it is the only idea I am left with, at this point.
If it helps, Lisa, I think you are doing the right thing! I think you've made it clear you care about him. Let him think on it a while!
I've read your threads forever! (I guess that's not such a great thing, huh?) It's good to meet you!
Really? well great, and thanks for all your opinions too! Nah, I'm not really mad but if you've been reading 'forever' then you do know you don't want your sitch to go like my sitch.
If I'd ever had any ideas, I'd have thrown them out! I don't know how you've been able to take what he dishes out! And I don't know what you could do differently. Though I guess you are getting tot he point of saying it has to change, too. I will pay more attention, and stick my nose in a bit!
(((((WCW))))) Forgot that last time, it's sort of a tradition around here!
I am going to go back and re-read your threads and see if I can think of any radical 180s (coming at it with a beginners mind and all that). Is that OK?
I think asking her how things can go forward actually sounds like a pretty good (and radical) 180. But as the others have posted, all ducks would need to be a row before doing that.....any ideas when you're going to do it?
L.xx
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart. And you'll never walk alone.
Maybe a touch of IC for you for the passive aggressive tendencies in the past might be a good place for you. That may help you to learn to handle things in a more reasonable way.
She won't have to hear about it from you, but she'll hear about it, almost guaranteed.
And even if you believe you no longer do that, then just a few meetings may help you be sure, and help you figure out what to do right, instead of being wrong....
(((((Lisa)))))(((((F1))))) I think you both have some good ideas there! I think I will see about getting some IC. That would be a 180, though I did go for a while to try to get some ADD tendencies under control. And I think I will open the book again, and see what I can see!
Thanks again!
And Lisa, YES, it is ok for you to help me think of ideas!
Nah, I'm not really mad but if you've been reading 'forever' then you do know you don't want your sitch to go like my sitch.