I do the same things. I always think of what I wanted to say 2 hours later. I always get frozen or ramble. I get caught up in everything emotionally. I don't have this problem with anyone else in any other situation...except my H. It's all so personal.
We all do it I guess. It's good to know we're normal, but it does suck.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
In my civilian job, I am a high school administrator. I have absolutely no issue taking on out of control parents, never lose my composure, never blink an eye, and can deliver "ornance on target" with EVERY encounter. ... Now, this is the same FLTC who does the avoidance technique not to discuss anything with W. Emotional involvment clouds everything, and I, like many of you need to apply my officer/administrator filter to talking with W. I have to stop believing that each encounter is the proverbial "STRAW"
WHY THE HEl* IS THIS??!?!?!?!?
wow.. well, you're lucky, then. at least you possess the verbal skills. now you just need to find out where your "gear shifter" is
Maybe it's an issue of context. parents talk about kids, and school. You probably have built up certain speech patterns that work, when talking about (other peoples') kids, and school.
YOU came up with those patterns. YOU can figure out things that work. So now all you need to do, is work out a new set of patterns that work, but in the context of [money/your kids/....]
LIke AG said... you have the additional issue, that what your W says, affects your life. If you could "detach" for a moment, and pretend that a conversation with your wife, was like a conversation with a parent -- that is, important, but if you screw it up, it wont be a total disaster for "your life" --- figure out what you might say differently then. That might help you think of different ways to talk to her, that are more useful.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
You're right. I do think detaching coupled with LOSS OF FEAR (not being irrational, but getting to the point where you really DON'T care) is important. Michelle, AG: I do think that the fear and the personal nature (or as you said INFRASTRUCTURE)being totally interconnected that make this so difficult. It's very easy when it's not personal. There has been an intersting chnage in her tone in emails since I TOLD her I was putting money away, instaed of asking. Probably means nada, but interseting. More civil, please, thank you....
AG you're an attorney, and Michelle, you WILL BE an attorney, and I'll bet that in your occupations or at law school YOUR deliveries are also FLAWLESS!
Well, whether or not it means anything positive for your R, it must be nice to have more civil e-mails from her. Enjoy the little things.
I like to think I make good points in class instead of rambling and my professors generally like my participation, so that's something. I haven't been at it long enough to get over the absolute terror of actually speaking in court to a judge though.
On the other hand, I have been in the military long enough to have no problem with getting up in front of a platoon full of people and talking. So it's all a matter of perspective. I guess I don't consider that "public speaking" in a way that makes me nervous anymore lol.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
FLTC Well Michelle's challenge is getting the other male lawyers to do pushups. I'm sure they would be scared she would beat them.
Well in the Rear area Hospital Unit we have some outstanding attractive nurses so for enlisted there is a keep of the grass sign. If the sign is put up by USMJ you keep off the grass. If the sign is put up by the bad guys then the USMC engineering unit blows up the sign, burns the grass, then scrapes the dirt with a dozer after clearing the fields of fire.
Can you send that Officer on patrol, have him walk point, so he may come closer to meeting Jesus than he originally planned? You just want him ahead of squared away Soldiers.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
You're right. I do think detaching coupled with LOSS OF FEAR (not being irrational, but getting to the point where you really DON'T care) is important.
weeel... not be afraid, and not caring, are two different things.
that's the difficult difference between "detachment", and "done".
or to put it another way: you can CARE about the result, without being devastated if it doesnt go the way that you would prefer. I personally think that is the more marriage-healthy way to go.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
weeel... not be afraid, and not caring, are two different things.
that's the difficult difference between "detachment", and "done".
or to put it another way: you can CARE about the result, without being devastated if it doesnt go the way that you would prefer. I personally think that is the more marriage-healthy way to go.
I like what Dom said.
Something that helped me detach was getting a life, actually figuring out how my life would be D, and getting comfortable with it. That helped me realize that I would not be devastated if I ended up D. Sure it would have been nice if the M had worked - but here I am D and better than fine!
Of course, I didn't have kids - so it was easier for me.
Quote:
There has been an intersting chnage in her tone in emails since I TOLD her I was putting money away, instaed of asking.
Perhaps the reality of getting a D is kicking in - since you are now acting "as if" you are on the same page with getting a D... And telling her what you are going to do (as opposed to asking) may be a 180 for you... Perhaps something she isn't use to...
Quote:
AG you're an attorney, and Michelle, you WILL BE an attorney, and I'll bet that in your occupations or at law school YOUR deliveries are also FLAWLESS!
I work out of my home and most of my deliveries are by phone or email - it is a lot easier that way! I have time to adjust my "tone." I feel like I am cheating b/c no one can see me when I get upset! Makes me look like a very calm and cool professional!
Yeah, on second look, I really didn't mean don't care in a reckless, sorched earth policy, I think I just meant the opposite of hanging on every word I write or say, or taking 25 minutes to write and rewrite an email, so it is vanilla and doesn't offend even in the slightest.
It's the difference of walking with confidence, and looking for the glint of the sun off of a command wire with every step you take, not wanting to set off the "Improvised Spouse Device" that the wire is attached to!
There has been an intersting chnage in her tone in emails since I TOLD her I was putting money away, instead of asking.
Maybe that is what she wanted. I do not know you folks and often we are tested and the obivious reason the grief is being thrown our way is not the real reason. It's a real balance in good fatherly/husbandly leadership and too much control. Everyone and every sitch is different.
One of the things I strived for and failed utterly at was the steady had at the till. In all honesty while attempting to steer the ship I felt someone pulled the plug but they might have just deceided to abandon ship. I guess my steering sucked.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
