Each time we bring up the past we wish things were different. We attempt to change what cannot be changed. We suffer and we make her suffer. Every time you try to explain or justify, everyone loses.
I don't completely agree with Jeff here, though in general I do agree that continually bringing up past hurts is counterproductive.
In this case, I took FIB to be trying to explain to his wife why he did not get her anything for V-Day. He compared HIS feelings this year to HER expressed feelings last year. I don't think his intent was to throw anything in her face. I think he was trying to make sure that she understood where HE was right now. And I think he did it by trying to speak HER language.
And while I don't agree with beating people up for past mistakes, ONCE THEY'VE BEEN PUT TO REST, I do think that MANY of us on this board wait WAY too long before we ever speak the TRUTH to our spouses about how much what they do hurts us. Truth, as long as it's not motivated by the desire to bring pain, can not be a bad thing in my opinion.
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You left the door open? By setting impossible expectations? By insisting that she knows?
Is it not better to wait and see without requiring they please us?
I do tend to agree with Jeff's comments here. I'm not sure what would possess you to tell XXX explicitly that reconciliation was basically impossible at this point. Unless of course that's how you feel. But then that could have been accomplished much more directly than by what you said.
Later in your post however, you admit to there still being an opening for her. And this is consistent with how I perceive you to feel about things. We know that there is still love for her in your heart, and we know that a divorce is not what you ever wanted for the two of you.
That being said, I think these words are more on the mark..
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It isn't huge. It isn't total submission.
It's something very small...something that ALL OF US..by now...would recognize.
Yes, we all know what that "thing" would be for each of us. And yet we may not be able to be more specific than that. And perhaps that's the problem with trying to share this on this forum. If she would do something that was not motivated by outer appearances and instead showed her inner commitment to trying to rebuild things, I do believe you would know. And I do believe that it would catch your attention.
Finally..
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..YOU are so caught up in the anger that you won't at least see that the more you keep beating her up when she tries to treat YOU decently, because you see it as her manipulating you, ...
When we get burned on fidelity issues to the extent that FIB has been burned, it becomes INCREDIBLY difficult to trust again. More than that, it becomes a real challenge to not become cynical in response to just about everything that person does.
I do think this is a problem for you right now FIB. You have not let go of her offenses against you. You still feel them every bit as vividly today as you did when they occured. So how are you working to put those hurts to rest? Are you aware that they are having this significant impact in your dealings with your wife?
So move forward FIB, as you feel you need to. But if you're really allowing that "back door" to remain ajar, you're going to have to clean up some things in your heart. If you really ARE willing to acknowledge an honest effort on her part, you can't be in a state that causes you to see everything she does as manipulative. In the end, any effort she makes must be manipulative in some way, at least to the extent that she would be trying to convince you that she wanted to try to work things out.
What a struggle. I'm sorry it's this hard. But men of integrity will not ease up on holding themselves to the highest standards even as the final acts of the drama unfold. Men of honor, from beginning to end.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
