You are not whining, my friend. You are grieving. One minute, one hour, one day at a time. You will not always feel this way.
...think I feel very frustrated too about myself and how well she ? seems ? to be doing in comparison. I feel really broken inside and like I am soooo far "behind" where I need to be...like somehow I need to race to catch up to where she is to be feeling okay, somehow having at least as good a life as she is.
She may look composed on the outside, but inside, she's experiencing an emotional tornado. Don't for a minute think she's feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. She's feeling confusion, guilt, and fear. You will learn to see it and hear it in her voice. Her time to collapse to the floor and sob will come later...when she hits the wall.
Baby steps. Hang tough, buddy.
Bomb
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
She may look composed on the outside, but inside, she's experiencing an emotional tornado. Don't for a minute think she's feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. She's feeling confusion, guilt, and fear. You will learn to see it and hear it in her voice. Her time to collapse to the floor and sob will come later...when she hits the wall.
Thanks, Bomb....can you expand on what you are saying above here? I'm really interested to know more of your thoughts about it.
p.s.Saw my friend today and it was really nice. Went out shopping for a few things this afternoon even though I didn't feel like it...but was better than sitting at home, bawling!
Purr, Good for you...getting out of the house and spending time with friends is a big step in the right direction. The fact that your are GALing and spending time with friends will also make you more interesting and attractive, and shows your W that you're not putting your life on hold for her.
If your spouse is truly experiencing a MLC, it is a gut-churning thing for her. As I understand it, the MLC spouse suddenly realizes that someday their life will end and that a big chunk of their life is behind them. They see themselves aging, which can be especially hard on women. So they panic. They wonder what life would have been like with a different job or a different spouse, and they have a sudden, intense urge to find out. So they do crazy things: quit their jobs, have affairs, spend money on plastic surgery, etc. All the while they know they are causing you hurt and pain, and deep down they feel enormous guilt, so to deal with that, they shut you out of their life. MLCers are full of fear, doubt, panic, and guilt. They are so wrapped up in their own drama that they cannot deal with your needs right now.
I'm certainly not a mental health professional, but I'm going to give you my opinion about MLC anyway. Hope some others can jump in here and tell me what they think...
I think of MLC as a grieving process...for both of you. Remember the five stages of grief that Kubler-Ross popularized (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance)? Kubler-Ross stated that you can experience these stages in response to any major life change. Although you'll see a lot of references on these boards to the stages of MLC (denial, replay, etc.), I tend to think you can apply Kubler-Ross' model just as easily. You are grieving the loss of your relationship. She is grieving the loss of her youth. Something happened that put her in a state of shock...some sort of trigger...could have been a death of someone close to her, or just the realization that she's getting older.
So she enters denial (This can't be happening!). She gets angry (I've wasted my life with this relationship/job/etc!) She starts her bargaining behavior (maybe I can cheat aging with a face lift, maybe another partner will make me feel younger and more vital...). When these behaviors fail to make her happy, as they almost always do, she will be depressed. And hopefully, at some point, when the depression lifts, she'll drift into acceptance.
You're going through these stages as well, albeit on a different timeline, and for different reasons.
If you haven't already, go check out pathpartners.com. Read some of the articles. Cruise the message boards, especially the one for women in MLC.
Hope this helps. Keep doing what works. Baby steps. It took a long time to arrive at this point. It will take a long time to work through it.
Bomb
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
Hi Purr and Bomb...thanks for your descriptions Bomb, its really helpful to me too. My BF is acting so...oddly! His Dad died a couple of years ago and it has taken a while to really hit him I think. So often its a trigger like that. Do you know what might have been a trigger for your W Purr?
I was sorry to hear that you were properly upset, I really felt it for you, I was the same after seeing him every week or so after he first moved out. You just feel so, bereft. Words cant really describe it, but its a physical pain. That went on for over 2 months for me. But after 3 it wasnt so bad! And now I dont cry every day anymore (amazing!).
I also relate to your assesment of yourself as lonely and pathetic (you're not, you're just not an extrovert! It takes all sorts to make a world :-) we cant all be centre of attention). I used to say to my BF, I'd be so lonely without you, you'd be fine as you have so many friends, but I would have a huge hole in my life. Well I was right. And that wasnt a good way to conduct my R I see now, I had relied on him a little too much. I realise I need to make friends and it is now happening for me, but I was always a little shy with new people. But gradually, you start to open up to people, becuase frankly, you have to! Your partner isnt there anymore to cushion you. Its great that you are going to try some clubs, although it takes time to push yourself out there. Its not something you've done or wanted to do in recent times, and now you're being forced to do it and under difficult circumstances - as Bomb says, you are basically bereaved right now and grieving. So I wish you luck, rome wasnt built in a day, but we will get there! I still do spend nearly every evening home alone (tied to this thing!!) but I get the odd invitation and I always accept now, no matter how rubbish I feel, as you feel fine once you are out.
I agree with Bomb, appearances can be deceptive. My BF gave me such a resolute, determined stance the whole time to begin with but that is crumbling now. I think they built up a head of steam and confidene in order to actually make the break, but once the effort of carrying out the decision wears off, and things settle, and they are left to face their decision (left alone by us DB pros!), then the wind may drop out of her sails! I experienced my BF looking seriously deflated by end of Jan, after 3 months of appearing strong and getting on. But, we will see, I dont know what the next stage will bring yet!
Thinking of you, dont tell yourself off for crying and think you may be in danger of "whining", you are human and you love her and it hurts and you have every right to cry and wail !! Its normal, not whingeing :-)
The MLC info is helpful for me, and I appreciate the insights on what the experience of the MLCer may be. Thanks also for helping me distinguish between whining and grieving; guess I was being pretty hard on myself.
GAL: went to a running group tonight...just trying to be around people and it was a positive experience. Pushing myself to go to a language conversation group tomorrow night. Felt very lonely coming home after the running thing...house felt empty and so did I.
W. emailed me the day after we went out and said she had a really great time at the play and particularly enjoyed our experience and talk (non-R) at the restaurant. She said she laughed a lot and that she hoped I also enjoyed it. She wondered if something was wrong at the end when I dropped her off--if she had said/done something wrong or "if I was just sad". I responded that I had a really good time too and that I was okay at the end, but felt a little sad that the evening was at a close because I enjoyed talking with her and had a good time.
It was a brief email that she sent me, but it seemed quite warm. I feel positive about it and at the same time I get this pessimistic / protective thing going on of "it doesn't mean anything" "sure she had a good time--as a friend--it doesn't mean anything more than that" etc etc. But I am seeing that it is a positive experience...perhaps it in some way may make black/white thinking on her part turn a little more soft/gray. So hard to walk that line of PMA, some hope, without getting hopes up. In any case, I think it was a good message from her.
I'm so tired...my thinking really gets negative when I'm wiped out. Time for bed. Thanks for your support.
Wow, we seem to be in a similiar point in all this..the WAS is being "friendly" now and actually spending a bit of time with us...yet theres that nagging feeling, is this still "it" for them? Have they just shifted neatly into friendship and no more? Meanwhile, I am aware of hanging on his every word and pretending I am not! And drinking in the sight of him, whereas he was faraway... I cant believe what your W said...
Quote:
W. emailed me the day after we went out and said she had a really great time at the play and particularly enjoyed our experience and talk (non-R) at the restaurant. She said she laughed a lot and that she hoped I also enjoyed it. She wondered if something was wrong at the end when I dropped her off--if she had said/done something wrong or "if I was just sad".
What planet is your W on !?? Oh, yeah you made a remark that saddened me, but I'm not sad in myself at all, why would I be? I'm fine, chipper, never been better. You just walked out on me after years of a loving long term R, and I cry every day am bereft and lonely and miss you like hell, but me, sad? Noooo... :-)
Excuse the sarcasm, but really ! I guess she was trying to open up an R talk there though, surely she must realise how heartbroken you've been ??? Its very encouraging what she said to you, she enjoyed your company, your conversation and you made her laugh...and she hoped you enjoyed it too ! This doesnt sound to me like someone who is "done" with someone else. My sister said a good thing to me (she has been through all this and DBing worked for her)..she said for whatever reason, the WA needs werent being met within the R. That could be their own issues, or being a bad communicator, but it didnt feel safe for them to stay in the R. She said as they make baby steps toward you its like they are testing you, to see if things are different and if its not just all talk, but the changes are sticking. This can take weeks of checking. I have noticed my BF making a mental note of a couple of things I said, so although I think he also has depression, there were issues between us that he probs couldnt cope with anymore and he is no doubt looking for signs of real change.
I think your email back was great ! Well done. I dont know if our WAS are offering platonic friendship or if they still have feelings for us, secret, buried or otherwise. Its helpful that people say its like starting over..rediscovering what it was you had in common, or liked about one another, and humour is the BEST anecdote...well done for making her laugh!
Thanks everyone for the support--it's nice to feel cared about and to be able to talk about all this stuff.
Ali, I haven't figured out what planet she is on yet. But I will say that I think (not sure) she wasn't meaning to minimize my feelings about the sadness...I think it was in the context of wanting to make sure that there wasn't something from that night that she had said/done that was upsetting. But yeah, I get where you're coming from on this!!!
Journalling-- Well, I'm starting to swing my way around the neurotic jungle that I have created in my head, so I thought I would try to put it down here before it gets too far along.
I've been aware over the last week or two that even though there are a number of positive signs and there seems to be a greater sense of W being relaxed w/me, etc, that it actually makes me feel more discomfort. I think the reason for this is that as we start to connect more as ?friends, then I feel anxiety and fear come up re: maybe this is all there is--maybe this is exactly what she wants: to be friends without guilt. I also feel fear about her getting on with her life without me...that each day that passes in this separation becomes another day that she misses me less. Another day that I become less a part of her world and life, and therefore less and less of a loss for her.
W. emailed me today a msg. that shouldn't really upset me, but it did. She said she thought we might go ahead with booking a couple of MC sessions in advance to ensure that we have regular meetings over the next while. We already have one coming up next week, but she wanted to see what I think about booking a couple more now. She noted that she's going to be away on two business trips in March/April. I think it is this last part that gave me the shudders.
I'm thinking that she'll be away on these trips enjoying herself, meeting new people (men), noticing how much she loves her freedom and "new life" without me. I also feel kind of lame that I rarely have business trips and don't "measure up" in some way on this. Maybe it's that it feels like she's "leaving" again, however stupid that is.
This is classic Purr thinking, to take an email which appears to say that she is wanting to book more counselling and turn it into "it's all over". But my mind and heart are completely at odds, it seems. I feel like she is slipping away, even though there isn't anything from the messages to confirm this. There is a great deal of hopelessness I suddenly feel about any possibility of reconciling.
I've been feeling this great sense of unease and restlessness over the last few days...on the one hand thinking I should be feeling / allowing myself to feel a little more optimistic/hopeful. On the other hand, I feel great unease and restlessness about the situation. It's ridiculous to me that we still mainly connect only via email, and never use the phone. And when I think about her reasons for leaving, they (still) seem to just not be that severe as to merit moving out. I was just feeling so frustrated today...that this doesn't seem to make sense!! Why the heck are we apart, when we get along so well??????
I feel so frustrated with not knowing what is going on for her inside, the sustained ambiguity about the relationship. I was thinking about the basics like having tea or a visit at her place or mine(ours)--this seems so far away at this time. It also freaked me out to imagine seeing her place (which ironically I think is nicer than where our place is). I don't want to see how great her apartment, view, life is without me!!
This all feels like crazy talk...I don't even know if it makes sense, but I'm really feeling anxious/restless/frustrated/SCARED. I don't know if things are better or worse; my compass is shot and emotionally I feel really triggered. Can anyone help make sense of this emotional spaghetti that I am experiencing? I feel lost and shaky.
I think the reason for this is that as we start to connect more as friends, then I feel anxiety and fear come up re: maybe this is all there is...
Gotta be friends before lovers, right?
I also feel fear about her getting on with her life without me...
You should be getting on with your life, without her.
She said she thought we might go ahead with booking a couple of MC sessions in advance to ensure that we have regular meetings over the next while.
How could you interpret this as anything but a step in the right direction?
I'm thinking that she'll be away on these trips enjoying herself...
Would you rather she be miserable? No, of course not. She's gone on business trips before, right? And before the MLC, were you this anxious before her business trips? I certainly hope not. So what's different now? Well, your relationship is weakened, and now, when she meets new people, you feel threatened. Perfectly normal. Accept the fact that you feel threatened. Then, accept the fact that you have absolutely no control over anything that happens on her trips, and let go of it.
I also feel kind of lame that I rarely have business trips and don't "measure up" in some way...
Hmmmm...sounds like a self-esteem issue here. It is normal to feel inadequate when your relationship is suffering. We all do. It's normal. Try to remember that this isn't about you. You are not responsible for her actions. Shift the focus from what she is doing to what YOU are doing.
A wonderful friend on this board really boosted my self-esteem one day. She told me I was a good man. If I wasn't a good man, I wouldn't be trying to save the relationship. Because I am a good man, if she decides to leave me, there are plenty of good women out there who will scoop me up. The same goes for you.
I was just feeling so frustrated today...that this doesn't seem to make sense!!
It doesn't make sense. She is not thinking logically or rationally right now. Nothing will make sense.
I feel lost and shaky.
Of course you do. Hang in there buddy. Wish I was there to give you a man-hug and take you out for hot wings at Hooters. You will not always feel this way. Gradually, you will start to feel confident in your own skin again
My C gave me an interesting little exercise that helped. It might sound a bit morbid at first, but I found it worked and helped reset my brain when I was at my worst.
Imagine she is dead and gone. What would you be doing and thinking right now? Would you be wondering what she was thinking and doing? Wouldn't you be trying to move on? This helped me GAL. It helped me "de-focus" on her. Maybe it will help you.
I also expressed my fear of living/dying alone to my C. He had me do a little exercise. He had me go to Yahoo personals. I typed in "man seeking woman" within 50 miles of my home. Age group...45-50.
I got 2800 hits. I hadn't even worked through the first 50 returns before I found a half dozen intelligent, educated, attractive woman. And keep in mind...I live kinda out in the sticks.
Be patient with yourself. I felt what you're feeling. For awhile, I sincerely thought I was going to need to be hospitalized...thought I was falling apart. But you won't feel like that forever. You will learn to detach and focus on yourself.
Hang in there.
Bomb
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
