Help Me Act AS IF, Part 3

[newnamenewlife]

lmg,

So what's up for tomorrow?

Well, so far the morning has been hard. My mom called and I got her to admit she is depressed. She has always had a drinking problem to put it mildly and lately she has just been holing up alone in her apt, cancels plans, just isn't functioning well. I am her only child and she is my only living parent. I have spent so much of my life trying to detach from her, and have succeeded pretty well. But today I am a mess. She is stubborn and avoids getting herself help.

So I told H and he was very sweet and supportive and offered to call her doctor next week about it. He knows how hard it is for me to deal with my mom and he said "Sweetie, we'll deal with this. It will be OK."

That's the nicest thing he has said to me in weeks--and while I know I should be happy, it makes me feel worse that he is clearly able to be present and supportive in every way, as long as he doesn't have to say he loves me or act like my husband.
That hurts, crazy as it sounds. I know it would be worse if he was MIA in all ways, but at least it would be a global problem if you know what I mean. When he's there for me and for the kids, it just makes the IDLYA thing stand out even more.

I hate the idea that he would be so comfortable just to be my friend/co-parent. I hate the thought of us being separated/divorced and him being my pal and seeing me through difficult things, but then giving his love to another woman. It sickens me.

Not trying to compare my sitch to anyone else's. They are all hard in their own specific ways because of our own specific Hs and histories.

Hugs to you, Treese. 29 years and NC from your H is totally awful and I'm so sorry you have to deal with that.

Grace and Ingrid and everyone else who keeps me afloat here--thank you. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your input and help.