OW and OW's H knew exactly how things stood. OW was willing to leave, (and did), her own children!!!!!!
Reasons not to contact OW - she doesn't give a fig about you - if she did she wouldn't be involved with your H. You contacting her will show her that you are feeling threatened and weak. It will probably leave you feeling bad. However much you want them to say "I'm sorry, I'll stop seeing your H straight away", the chances are she won't.
Reason for not contacting OW's H is that he already knows and won't do anything about it.
Personally, I go for truth and getting it out in the open and making sure all parties in the two couples involved know. I was the last one of the four to find out and I was the one who blew the whole thing out of the water and got my M back. However, as soon as you start contacting and involving more people you lose any sense of control and the fallout can be nasty. It's not something to be done lightly.
Like Sara, I had a child contact OW off their own back; that was more effective than when I contacted her. It shook her to the core and made her realise her fantasy of being a stepmom to my kids and living happily ever after was just pure rubbish. I was sorry my D was ever put in the position when she felt she had to make a call like that but boy was I proud of her.
Bottom line - you can't rely on goodwill of OW or OW's H - they will look out only for themselves.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
