Won't Back Down

[Rob1231]

Hi Mark,

Just catching up here. I'm glad you are backing out of this, I think it is the right thing to do.

As I read the story of the car "swap", this is the line that jumped out at me:

4 - Call her father and explain why I made the switch (primary reason was to make it more difficult for her to visit her out-of-town boyfriend). Then hope that FIL stands up to her (remember, she told him about the affair, but lied and to him, telling him it was over).

So, you did this in order to make it harder for her to visit Shrek. Two possible rationales for this.

First, you think that if you can control her actions, you can get her to come around and start working on the M. That doesn't seem to be your plan, but even if it was - it wouldn't work. You absolutely can NOT control her actions - every time you attempt to do so, you drive the wedge between yourselves deeper.

Second, you've given up on saving the M and you are punishing her for seeing Shrek. That's how this really comes across. If that's really where you are, well - you are not standing up for your marriage. Instead, you're playing a game where you are the victim, any retaliatory things you do are "justified." She may be acting like an emotional teenager, but she's not the only one. And in that case, if I were her dad, I wouldn't be happy with either one of you - but I certainly wouldn't be impressed with your explanation which boils down to BUT, SHE STARTED IT!

You also said:

2 - Give her the newer car back, and resume driving the old car. This will take some major crow-eating. And backing down, which I swore I would not do.

I know you have the song "Won't Back Down" running through your head, Mark. In my mind, that song applies to your sitch as motivation for being a strong, solid person who stands up for yourself and your family. It doesn't mean refusing to admit to your mistakes.