I've just read your stuff, and I see one really big thing I think you should consider changing. You REACT to her too much. She does something, you have to counter. Like the bank account thing. Just realize that it's ok for you to do NOTHING. Always do things that you think are the right thing to do because they are the best thing for you, not just to make any kind of an impression on her. She needs to see you strong and calm and self determined, not reactive. You need for her to see you strong and calm and self determined.
Just live your life to the best you can be, and don't react to her or let her push your buttons. If she talks about D, let her talk. You don't have to say or do anything. If you find another note, let it go. You don't have to do anything. By doing nothing you not only avoid annoying her, but you also avoid helping her to move anything along. You make her do all that work. Myself, I would not have moved out of the BR, but if it works for you and helps your peace of mind, that's great and is really what's important. Concentrate on noticing what things you do are that create positive results and do more of that. If you notice that your actions cause you or her to be uncomfortable, stop it! Do more of what is working and less of what isn't.
Learn and live the "serenity prayer". "God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference." There is a lot going on in HER life right now that you cannot change. Leave her alone to her own misery, and make yourself happy and content. You cannot change her mind or her feelings directly. You can only change how you allow yourself to be affected by her. You can change your outlook on everything.
The Serenity Prayer and a short book called "The Four Agreements" have gone a long way to helping me preserve my peace of mind. The Four Agreements are, briefly paraphrased: 1/ Be impeccable with your word. This means only say what you mean, means what you say, and never say or do anything other than exactly what you intend. 2/ Don't make assumptions. Ask questions. Work in facts and not presumptions or paranoid fantasies. If you don't know what's going on, understand that YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON. Always remember that. Ignorance can be bliss. 3/ Don't take anything personally. She is a mess emotionally. Think about how you are feeling, and know that she feels at least as mixed up, and probably more so. If she says something that causes you to think you should feel hurt, realize it is not about you, but about her pain. 4/ All ways do your best. Never do anything less than the best you can. Never do anything you don't intend to do (see number one). Always do the best you can with what you have, and know that you have done all you can.
Finally, another thing I have done preserve my sanity. A long time ago, when I was confronted with a raging PA, letters from divorce attorneys, refusal to see any MC, and simply a spouse who said she wanted out at all costs, I realized that what she did was NONE OF MY BUSINESS. If I chose to think it was, I only cause myself unbearable pain, and cause her to resent me more. I lowered my expectations of her to nothing, zip, nada. I expected absolutely nothing from her. What then happened was that everytime I got the slightest positive response from her, it was cause to celebrate, because it was so much more an nicer that anything I expected. Both of these are very hard, but they worked for me.
God bless you. You sound good, and you sound resolved to do all you can to make this work. Good for you. My prayers are with you.
wise words Z. Thanks. Just what I needed before I went to bed. Better than a Zanex. I just feel like I am all over the place. I am living with a 16 year old little girl in a 47 yr old body. Even tonight we peacefully watched On Golden Pond and she was texting the whole time just to get me to get pissed and ask whom she was texting. Not a chance man. I enjoyed the show, both the movie and her private little childish show. I really miss her but this is getting old. She thinks she is so important. Roller Coasted mean anything to you? Thanks man.
any thougths on the above about the note I found?. I try not to think about it but also think she may have planted the note so i would notice it. Another test. What puplexes me is what is taking her so long to talk to lawyer. Maybe she is scared or just delaying to see how we are getting along and how long that will last before next big arguement. she is acting like a child. Your thoughts.
There is no telling why she hasn't seen a L yet. You are going to drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out. They are not logical.
You are very new at this (reg date) and at this stage it is so hard not to focus on them. But you need to let her be and focus on YOU. She's going to do what she's going to do. She is like a train that is out of control, you can't stop the train wreck, you can only remove yourself from it.
Stop wondering if things she does are tests for you, or why she does what she does. You will drive yourself crazy.
Just be the best Broken Tree you can be. She will notice, she mat not seem like it or react to it but she will notice. Working on you will make you feel better about yourself and it will show in all you do.
First of all, you are taking the texting thing much too personally. She is likely not doing it simply to make you PO-ed. Even if she is, this is a perfect opportunity to "drop the rope". If you don't rise to her bait, she had no reason to try to provoke you. If you don't assume that she is acting the way she is only to make you angry or insecure, you will be more at peace.
Secondly, the note. It is likely that the note was not intended to be seen by you. If you assume otherwise, you are again taking it too personally. She is trying to understand what her options are and what the consequences of her actions are. In addition, reading such a note is a form of "snooping". Believe me, you don't want to go there. It is the surest way to destroy any PMA you may build. I know this from bitter experience, and it was years before I truly understood the damage I did to myself and to my relationship by snooping. Even if she left it in the open, no matter what, she will consider you bad for reading it. Let it go. Even it she truly did intend you to see it, you must let it go. Reacting to it will simply be doing more of what doesn't work. It would again be rising to her bait. So, drop the rope. But most importantly, she is not likely thinking about how to piss you off. From your description, she sounds like she is in real pain and she is not thinking about you, but instead only how to ease her pain. She will do what she will do when she does it. It's really, really none of your business what she does. From what's on that list, she is only asking questions at this point.
Your job in this is to keep as peaceful and calm as you can and to be the best man you can be. Not matter what happens, you need this to get on with your life, whatever that will be. And, it is the only way to make yourself more attractive to her and to show her the mistake she could be making by ending her marriage to you. You will not attract her by being frantic and needy and controlling. Do your best, and be the best man you can be. Do what you know is right, what you know is the best thing for you and your kids and leave her alone. Since she is being a child, you need to be an adult. Do not reduce yourself to her level.
Good luck. You are really doing fine. I don't mean to beat you up, and if I thought you were too fragile to take it, I wouldn't be so tough. You can do this, and most importantly, you have the desire to make this all work. No matter what, you need to be the best you can be for yourself and for your kids. And by the way, that can actually make you appear quite attractive.
Of course she is going to make notes, etc. In her head she wants to be done with the Marriage. This shouldn't come as a surprise to you, she has been telling you this for ages.
And if you have been reading the other threads here you will see that this is all par for the course.
I know seeing it is black and white makes it real, but nothing has happened yet, she is venting on a piece of paper.
My Husband did the same thing, and I was also devastated when I saw that he was being dead serious about ending our Marriage.
BT, I made every mistake in the book, and I am telling you from experience to please let her be.
She needs to figure it all out for herself, even if it means wasting time and money with an attorney.
Now keep working on your own junk and let her twirl in the wind.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Imagine your 16 year old leaving a note out for you to see. The note outlines her plans to run away from home. What does a smart dad do? Beg her to stay? Try to "reason" with her? Lock her in her room? Nope. All those things will just make her want to leave all the more.
Years ago, one of my sons decided he wanted to run away. We'd grounded him for his grades. So he left a note outlining his plan on his desk for us to find.
Having been through this before with the older son, we knew what to do. We helped him pack a bag. Asked him what he wanted us to do with his stuff after he left. Then, the wife and I talked about how we were going to turn his room into a guest room. The next morning, we held the door open for him and wished him luck. The look on his face was priceless. He ended up walking a few blocks up the street to his friend's house, stayed the night, and begged us to let him come home the next day.
Your sitch is very similar. So don't freak out over the note. Hold the door open for her. Let her know that your life will go on.
One thing I've noticed after reading about a dozen other sitches on this board: when the LBS really detaches and starts to GAL, it exerts a really powerful pull on the MLC spouse.
Enjoy your Sunday, my good friend.
Bomb
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
You are all great, I feel like we are tight friends. I enjoy and respect your thoughts.
There are so many up and downs.
Well I got back from my son's soccer practice at noon (after being gone since 8am) and she bought up all the subjects on the note as soon as I walked in the door, which makes me feel she wanted me to see the note last eve and bring them up myself so I could be the bad guy. She left the note right in the middle of her bed last night hanging out of a book that we were both reading. She explianed the things she was most purturbed with was that I was paying our bills out of the joint account (savings) and not my account. The second thing was my grandmothers ring which is very important to me, I failed to see her point that I gave that to her and it was hers. I just wanted her to know that it was very important to me I wanted to know that it was safe and I wanted to keep it in my room. Nothing else. She did not understand this. Only that I gave it to her and it was her's. After I thought about it she was right.
She also bought up the separation agreement and I simple listened, said nothing and told her I was not there yet and not ready to give up on our M. I had to remind her to calm down about 5 time. I asked for a time out so we could come back to this later but she kept going on. She was acting like a child.
She continued to say she called her lawyer 3 times last week but could not get thru to her. That is pure BS. I called a very well known lawyer ($400HR)last week and she picked up the phone and talked to me for an hr for free last week. She gave me great advise. I don't think she is calling her lawyer, either that or she is to cheap you use the retainer $$ hrs. She is acting like a 16 year old again.
I am trying so hard to leave her be and I am doing a good job at detaching but am having a hard time GALing unless you include my kids activities (soccer) and stuff GAL. Up until today we were doing great. She really is in great pain and i wish I could help her but I know I can not. Space, Space, Space this is hard to cause I just want to be around her. After our discussion she gave me a kiss and I put her to bed for a nappy for she was not feeling well. Pray for me, I think I am doing well but I am getting worn down.
Doing stuff with the kids is great and while I would include it in GAL, I think you need you time too. she's there with the kids and you can go do something. Something different and new perhaps? Just something you like. Hell, for that matter go people watching at a shopiing center or tourist site.
My take on her going on about the separation agreement is that even if you aren't ready to discuss it, LISTEN to her. you can acknowledge what she saying without agreeing and let her know you'll think about it, but that you aren't ready to discuss it yet.
So get out and away from her at least for awhile today. Got any hobbies you've always wanted to try?
BT, Grace has been in MLC hell for a long time. Follow her lead.
She's right, time with the kids could be considered GAL, but you need some time for yourself.
Yes, she might be dragging her feet with the whole divorce thing. I think you handled things very well. She will continue to confront you. Remember, it's a test. What comes out of her mouth doesn't necessarily reflect what's in her head. Don't argue. Validate her feelings. If things get heated, try to withdraw.
You got a kiss? Damn, man. You're doing allright!
Bomb
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
